Different parenting styles - will this be an issue?

[Amadeaa]

I'm interested to hear some experiences....

My partner and I have quite different ideas about parenting (I'm not pregnant yet but we seriously talk about starting a family soon). This is also due to the fact that we had completely different upbringings, socioeconomically as well as culturally.

I'm thinking of things like how many/which activities a parent should do with their children, at what age to start nursery, whether or not to sleep train, if a small child can have a sweet treat every now and then....the kind of things everyone might have a strong opinion on, but not necessarily the same one.

I assume that different opinions when it comes to parenting are normal in relationships, but in how far do you need to be on the same wave length to avoid conflict and successfully parent together?
Did you discuss parenting in detail before considering to start a family, or work it out as you go along?

I'll get shouted at here, but as i was doing most of the parenting i got to say how it would be done really. He was working, i was a SAHM and so my parenting was what we went with - to make my life easier more than anything else.

It really depends whether you both are able to compromise or not. Somebody can have strong opinions in theory, but meet in the middle in reality, or they can be oppositional and hold opposite opinions and then that creates a lot of conflict. I think it depends if you're both reasonable and accept that there will be compromises made. Eg. If he thinks you shouldn't have a Tv and you think Tv should be unlimited, there is plenty of ground in the middle to find a compromise so long as you are both willing to do that. But no point bringing a child in to environment where their parents can't agree or compromise on anything and their whole life is being pulled in different directions, and this inability to compromise is also likely to become an issue anyway down the line for any relationship.

Have you disagreed on other things? Where you able to come to a compromise? Or was it a matter of one or other of you 'winning' an argument?

We discussed in some detail as we adopted. (Not so much when we were ttc).
I think it is worth hashing it out beforehand because if you have very different approaches its not going to work.

Would you care to expand more? e.g. Starting nursery Is this about whether or not to have a SAHP? Or is this about 'a child needs to socialise at 6mnths v actually don't need much before 2.5/3'?

How do you handle differences in other ways? If you're used to working together and compromising well, then I think if you're both aware of the need to meet in the middle it might work.

If that's not how it's going to work then I imagine it would be frustrating for the parents and confusing for the children, and that extreme differences wouldn't be sustainable.

We didn't discuss much because we both know each other well, and knew we would agree on most things. And something we disagreed along the way, we could compromise.

In your case, if you already have totally different opinion even before having a child, I would talk properly. It's not great environment to bring a child in, where parents are disagreeing in normal everyday stuff. Definitely better to sort that out. Otherwise the life of the child will be very confusing. One minute mummy says it's ok, next minute daddy say no etc, and they start arguing, that's not great.

It depends quite how different these views are. Is one parent saying that there’s no nursery and one parent should be a SAHP, that sweet treats are never allowed, and the children should be taking several after school activities from the moment they turn 5?

Little differences are always workable. Ones that insist one parent gives up work are probably less so…

I do think it's worth as a PP posted trying to hash these ideas out before hand, but also a lot of these issues work themselves out, for example you disagree on extra curricular activities, but then have a child who hates getting muddy so end up having to do indoor activities. Or you disagree on whether to sleep train or not, but sleepless nights and going back to work make it a necessity. I don't think many people parent the way they thought they would. Before having an ASD child I would not have said that 99% of meals out would be in McDonald's, and before becoming a single parent and covid I would never have imagined spending so much time on screens (while I was WFH and homeschooling during lockdowns, especially). The car seat I liked? Too expensive. The buggy I liked? Dreadful to push, so bought a different one. The beautiful sling I had? Gave me neck pain and then I couldn't baby wear at all for 6 months and spent all the money I'd planned to spend on baby swimming on the chiropractor instead. These things have a funny way of working themselves out. But starting on a good footing is really important. Just know that Years from now you will probably look back at your pre child selves and laugh at yourselves a bit.

The two things I would say are not negotiable are the ability to compromise and to be flexible/adaptable. Two rigid and opposed viewpoints causes too much friction in a relationship on an issue as important as parenting, which is something you share. It's not like political views, I know some couples who vote differently from each other, but they agree on the fundamentals of family life and what that means for them and their kids. The most successful couples I know the big thing that they have in common is their strong work ethic, in and outside the home, that they prioritise both their kids and their marriages, and that they work together to solve problems as they arise. I think if you have that you will be alright.

It's amazing how quick the ick can develop with a dad who can't push the hoover around once in a while and thinks changing nappies is women's work though!

I had parenting ideas before I had children. 🤭

In reality you will likely make very different decisions once you have children.

I prefer responsive parenting, DH likes discipline and for the children to follow instructions without explanation.

We compromise, but if I feel he is too harsh, or has unrealistic expectations of young children, I tell him so.

It's worth considering that our own parenting ideas often differ before we actually have children. There is so much I thought before mine were born but actually living it is very different.

I think if you can form a basis rather then specific things but agree that you won't argue in front of them if there is something you don't agree on and agree that what you say not is always subject to change then you have a good foundation.

We don't really have issues with disagreements or compromises, but I would say that we haven't really been tested yet. We are both quite independent people and never saw the need to agree on everything, or do everything together. Of course this will change when we have a child, so I'm trying to assess whether we can make this change. My partner isn't concerned and doesn't see any reason why we shouldn't be able to discuss and agree on things, but he is not one to overly think and plan such things in advance (whereas I am an overthinker).

What I mentioned re starting nursery where just examples....but we disagree on how long one of us needs to stay at home with the baby. We are both self employed so no paid maternity leave for me, and no time off for him either after birth. He thinks he should take max 1 week off after birth, and after 2-3 months we should work with a nanny so that I can return to work as well. I think we should take the financial hit and stay longer with the baby.
That's probably the biggest thing (and I guess we need to have this sorted before going forward). The others are not so significant. I would probably be the parent who does more activities with the child/toddler, takes them to the zoo, baby classes, etc because I think this is important for their development, whereas he finds that we are making too much fuss in Europe, and that he developed just fine (in a country outside of Europe, under difficult circumstances) without any of these early-year activities.

Some very good points made here, thank you! Yes, probably many things will change anyway and go differently to what I've been planning. I'm just such a prepper 😅

Ah. You have cultural differences as well.

Can you both start a maternity/paternity leave savings account (as well as a baby savings)? That might help with money worries re time off.

Given you are both self employed it strikes me that part time for one/both of you might work.

I wouldn't want to be with someone who would begrudge any money spent on taking our child out. But maybe it isn't the money? But why wouldn't you want to take a young child to the zoo or wherever? Just because he didn't doesn't mean it isn't a fun/enriching thing to do. What does he think you'll do with a 2 year old?

2-3mo olds are still so dependent on their mothers especially if breastfeeding.
Objectively it’s better for babies to be with their mothers if financially possible.

That said, if you can WFH, having a nanny in part-time, you can probably do half-days from 6mo old, and breastfeed in your breaks etc.

Activities are nice - obviously not mandatory for raising happy, healthy children, but why wouldn’t you give yours a better childhood than your own 🤷‍♀️

Has he spent much time around babies or have any friends with young children? Does he realise how hard it would be to return to work so soon?

Obviously some people do it out of necessity but the vast majority of people would prefer a longer maternity leave.

I think it would be sensible for you both to start contributing to save up a maternity leave fund before you get pregnant and for him to speak to friends / relatives with young children who are still in the thick of it to get some perspective.

Mmm, overall, I'm a big believer in the fact that how you THINK you will parent vs how you actually parent are quite different. Especially for women. I certainly thought I'd be a much more authoritarian parent than I am.

However, I would be concerned about him being resistant to either of you having a decent amount of time off when the baby is born. For a lot of men, it's very easy to go back to work asap, carry on with life and then be confused about why their partners are struggling etc. It does rather sound like he is prepared to tae that approach and if you don't fall into line, you're going to find yourself not only worrying about how to manage, but feeling unsupported. Having a plan for maternity leave that works for both of you upfront (while accepting it might change due to circumstances) is important and sets the tone for the rest going forward.

He doesn't sound like he has a very realistic understanding of the physical demands of having a baby, and of the nature of parenting a newborn. That would worry me.

Also, difference of opinion over hobbies is one thing but it sounds like you're heading towards being Parent A and him Parent B. If you're both going to work, he needs to understand that needs to be doing his share of pick ups and drop offs, school runs, admin, sick days etc.

I'd be worried he expects life to continue as normal - which it does for many men, but the life of the mother in that scenario wouldn't be for me.

Myself and my partner are very much on the same page about everything and it makes life so much easier! It was something we'd already discussed a lot before we had children, and we've pretty much stuck to what we always said we would do (bar a short period of co-sleeping which we'd been "against" before having children)

I know a few couples who have very different approaches and, honestly, it's really really strained the relationship especially as they've got older. You've also got to remember that you'll have input from other people 😂 whether that's in laws and parents, your siblings and friends etc, and you really need to be able to back each other up and defend each other when people criticise.

I do think it's really important to be on the same page in terms of family life. What you are describing doesn't sound like different 'parenting styles'. It sounds like you both have unrealistic expectations of what parenting will be like.

Yes, being self-employed and taking time off for a baby is tricky. Dh and I were both self-employed when we had our first. I still took a full year off on maternity allowance/savings because having a small baby is exhausting. I needed that time and I wanted to be home with them when they were small because I knew I would be going back to work after a year. Has he explored the cost of a nanny?! If you have enough money to afford a nanny (!!), you certainly have enough money to save up for a year of maternity leave.

In terms of activities, well, honestly I don't think baby classes and the zoo and all that stuff actually really matter. I didn't do much of that with either of mine and they turned out perfectly fine. But if you are having a baby, you need to both be on board for what it's going to involve. Yes, it will take up all your free time. No, you won't have evenings and weekends to yourself anymore. No, you won't feel happy being the one who does it all without much involvement from him. Yes, he will need to be equally involved if your relationship is going to work. Does he, by chance, have quite a traditional view of relationships and parenting? With the expectation that you will do more of it and he will carry on mostly as before?

But to answer your question, yes, dh and I did discuss how we would parent before we got married actually. We discussed the things that mattered to us about family life, what we would prioritise and what we wouldn't, and then things like nationality (I'm a dual national) and cultural differences (for example, I come from a culture that is very pro-circumcision and dh is from the UK, we talked about how we felt about it if we were to have a boy and decided that we both felt strongly about not circumcising).

Also, difference of opinion over hobbies is one thing but it sounds like you're heading towards being Parent A and him Parent B. If you're both going to work, he needs to understand that needs to be doing his share of pick ups and drop offs, school runs, admin, sick days etc.

Yes, this is a good point. If he wants you both to go back to work so early and have this mythical nanny, does he understand that doesn't remove his responsibility completely? Or does he think he will just carry on with his life and the nanny and you will manage everything else?

I also agree with PP that this isn't so much about parenting styles. It's far more about what your expectations are of yourselves and each other in terms of time/effort/requirements and that IS something you need to agree up front. I am the main breadwinner and had good maternity benefits - we knew from the start I'd take 6 months off and then DH would become a SAHD. That was clearly agreed between us before we even started TTC. Neither of us wanted to go straight to nursery at that young age and neither of us had the kind of jobs where rushing home at 6pm was doable. So this is what we decided together.

Gosh - you are getting head of the game!

The most important thing is that parents back each other up in front of the child over decisions, even when they do not agree. Children are acutely aware of a chink in the amrmour and will use that to get their own way!

Not at all - it's refreshing to see someone seriously considering these kinds of things before they're pregnant.

He does need to understand that it's not as straightforward to waltz back to work at 3 months, childcare costs a bomb and his life needs to change significantly. If he doesn't see the value in trips to the zoo, family time etc then what exactly does he expect from family life? A kid to ship off to nursery/school that allows him to tick off wife/house/family/new car list, whilst he carries on as before? And I say that as someone who works full time and went back to work when DC2 was 3 months or thereabouts. Family life is compatible with working full time, but it's not the same as life before whilst working full time.

At least you will go into motherhood with your eyes wide open -if you go part time, right now it sounds like you will be the default parent.

I think discussing things is good; but it might change when the baby is here. How much time you take off is a big one to negotiate beforehand - and he should be aware that pregnancy can have complications that affect you (so you may need to have more time off than you planned - eg C section complications; PND). He should be aware that he may need to ease off on his work to do some night-wakings in addition to you taking time off (and certainly will as the child gets older and wants to do more things or has days he/she is ill). It’s important that you discuss expectations of how you will both work together (it’s going to be a big change). If and how long you wish to breastfeed for may also impact who does what tasks each of you does and how long you wish to take as maternity leave. Being prepared, setting expectations (of how life will change) and saving up etc may help ease the transition - good luck!