Would you TTC in these circumstances?

[ttcdecisionhelp]

We're both about to hit 40, and we're diagnosed with autism late in life.

We always wanted a family and tried for years in our early 30s. I had several early "chemical" miscarriages which all happened before six weeks. We had tests and nothing was found; we had to stop TTC as it was making me suicidal.

Since then we've got into health and fitness and improved diets and better-paying jobs, and life is better. We'd like to try again one last time, but at our age and with our diagnoses, I think that a child is likely to be autistic and I don't know how we'd cope with high needs.

Please can I ask what you'd do (or have done) in this situation? You can be as blunt and brutal as you want in your replies.

Anyone?

I would. It might not work anyway, but being autistic doesn't preclude you being a good parent. In fact, the autistic people I know are great parents as they are incredibly dedicated. I would recommend lots of plans in place for how you'd deal with sleep deprivation, noise etc.

No, I wouldn't want to deal with a high needs child in my 40's.

Yes I would, although I’d try to work out what sort of MH support might help you get through the process as it was obviously very stressful
last time.

I’d also spend some time talking about both of your expectations- if it hasn’t happened within a certain time, do you stop? Try ivf? Etc etc. It can be helpful to have an idea of how you both feel before you start the process (bearing in mind of course that you may feel differently as things progress).

The autistic parents I know are loving and dedicated parents with happy children.

I'm maybe not the right person to ask because I've never been sold on the idea of kids but since being diagnosed as autistic, I've decided I definitely don't want any. Personally, I find it hard enough to regulate myself and my emotions without adding a likely-autistic kid into the mix.

Plus a couple of people I know who had children and later found out they are autistic (usually through their child being diagnosed) have admitted to me that they find it all really overwhelming and relentless. They are overstimulated and touched-out, which leads to them being shouty.

Add in your ages and the increased likelihood of intellectual disability that brings - it's a no from me. However, have a look into what services are available locally so you know if there will be practical or emotional support there if you do go ahead.

No way. Dealing with a high needs child is relentless, exhausting and can be soul-destroying. Add age to that and the greater possibility of ill health and I think you would be bonkers to have a baby. Your marriage would also need to be absolutely rock solid.

I also think you have a responsibility to your future child to not bring them into the world if their life is going to be a massive struggle to access any kind of social care/specialist teaching. I feel guilty about bringing my daughter into the shitty world we're in now and she is NT with every advantage.