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Original poster

Need someone to talk to please...

24 replies

RanhaThePiranha · 08/01/2023 19:06

I don't know what I'm wanting to type. I just want someone to talk to me.

I am so full of self loathing. I had my beautiful baby a year ago who I love so much. I am married and whilst my husband does so much for the house and kids (he has an older child), I feel a bit meh about us in a way. Not his fault.

My self confidence is rock bottom. No motivation to change it. Seek comfort in food. Have a good secure job which I hate. Too much office politics and staff causing issues which makes me so anxious. If I talk normally, im being fake, if im quiet, im in a mood. Can't win. Hate the place but don't want to leave due to job security, pension etc (NHS). No other jobs up just now I can apply for. Other jobs I've matched the criteria for, unsuccessful. So feel stuck. I know something will come up.

Literally went for a nap when baby was sleeping. Managed 30 minutes before husband was up telling me to get up as won't sleep tonight etc, yet every night after work he falls asleep on the couch and I just leave him to it. Last week I did all the dinner feeds for baby (normally his thing) as he was sleeping.

I got so upset at dinner I just binned the lot and said I shouldn't be eating it as I'm so fat.

OP posts:
Original poster
RanhaThePiranha · 08/01/2023 19:09

I hate every inch about me. I hate my body how it's changed and I hate how im such an anxious mess now. I just want to be at home all day with my baby.
I don't want to interact with people. I just want to be alone.
I know im ok when im in my routine but days like this are hard for me. Husband keeps checking on me and I keep telling him to leave me alone. I don't know why. He hasn't done anything wrong.

I can't have sex due to no libido and no body confidence. Tried last night and ended up with me in tears cause I was so paranoid

OP posts:
Original poster
RanhaThePiranha · 08/01/2023 19:12

Husband tells me not to leave the nhs as it's secure, my job pays well and it's a short commute. Told him I'm happy to commute and rather be happy.
Need to be careful with money as now paying childcare

OP posts:
Original poster
RanhaThePiranha · 08/01/2023 19:15

I've tried speaking to HV before about my feelings. They are very short staffed so not been much help. Everything they've said they would do (E.g. referring baby to a weaning support group) is never done. No follow up etc

OP posts:
Mybonnielad · 08/01/2023 19:19

To me, this sounds like depression. I would book an appointment with your GP.

Original poster
RanhaThePiranha · 08/01/2023 19:20

Also forgot to add about all the gaslighting from members of my team who are on a higher band than me. They are seen as gods and no one believes that at times, they are nasty pieces of work. Funny how it's turned to be that in the problem if I ever dare stand up for myself.

OP posts:
Original poster
RanhaThePiranha · 08/01/2023 19:21

Mybonnielad · 08/01/2023 19:19

To me, this sounds like depression. I would book an appointment with your GP.

Can't get near a GP...

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 08/01/2023 19:22

And me. I’m really sorry you’re feeling so low, have a hand hold 💐

It’s not up to your husband to decide when your nap is over, if you can’t sleep tonight that’s your business! I’m not depressed but I’d be incredibly fucked off if DH tried to treat me like that.

Original poster
RanhaThePiranha · 08/01/2023 19:23

AnneLovesGilbert · 08/01/2023 19:22

And me. I’m really sorry you’re feeling so low, have a hand hold 💐

It’s not up to your husband to decide when your nap is over, if you can’t sleep tonight that’s your business! I’m not depressed but I’d be incredibly fucked off if DH tried to treat me like that.

I just don't know what's wrong with me, I think my overall lack of confidence and self loathing is the main cause. It's spilling into all avenues of my life.

I just wish I could be me again :(

OP posts:
Cakeandcoffee93 · 08/01/2023 19:26

Op I would get to your local gym- you will feel good working out in how you feel about your body. I felt like this and it was best decision ever

BCBird · 08/01/2023 19:27

I think u need to cut yourself some slack. I.know it might sound cheesy but we need to have an inner cheerleader and not an inner critic. It is easy to take refuge in food,believe me I know,as I am.still doing it. Can you make kne small change,e.g preparing in advance, and make sure you are eating breakfas if you don't already. As for the job,if you have recently had s baby.my guess is you still have a fair few years before retirement so staying put for the sake of a pension is probably not a good idea. Kerp actively looking. As for being off sex,I have read this regularly hsppens. If you want to start being intimate then remember you are still u ,ur body might have changed some but so what. One of my.mates told me that we should not point out our perceived physical imperfections- believe u me I.have many. It is true that often our partners are not in the slightest bit bothered. I hope things start to improve

creamwitheverything · 08/01/2023 19:27

You sound utterly exhausted, I would be too. The thing is you need to be happy and feel secure within yourself so if that means changing jobs then so be it, Bugger the pension there is more to life than that, You are important and you need to embrace not endure life. The sex life will usually figure itself out just give it time,, babies and exhaustion do not help romance in anyway so leave it be for now, You are angry and full of dispair because you feel trapped and unable to change things but some times you just need to be brave and jump into something different for the sake of your own mental health. Your job is not suiting you and will not get better so make a plan to see what you can do,,alll will be well you know if you leave,yes it will be tough but you will save a tonne on childcare, Once you are happier your eating will sort itsself out. You need to stop giving and take care of you for a while. Go part time somewhere with no responsibility for a while and i bet you will be much happier,then everyone wins but most of all you do. Ask your husband for some more support and time hopefullly he will understand if you really explain how you feel and why, Bet 9 out of 10 couples have faced and felt like you do and worked together to make it better for all the family.

Original poster
RanhaThePiranha · 08/01/2023 19:28

Cakeandcoffee93 · 08/01/2023 19:26

Op I would get to your local gym- you will feel good working out in how you feel about your body. I felt like this and it was best decision ever

Not allowed. Would be a waste of money as I have apple fitness+ and a spin bike upstairs I can use...

OP posts:
Spannerinthe · 08/01/2023 19:29

Why are you not allowed?

creamwitheverything · 08/01/2023 19:29

Op you are allowed to do as you like you are a grown woman. a wife a mother you honestly do not need anyones permission to do anything!

Original poster
RanhaThePiranha · 08/01/2023 19:31

I'd love to go part time but we couldn't afford to financially, so sadly it's not an option.

I feel no one out there wants to help as services are all so busy with the crisis the nhs is in.

I will be looking everywhere for jobs with similar jobs, I've even told DH I'd apply to police staff, nhs jobs, even another trust for the right job as they seem secure. I've never met such childish people that I work with now - slamming stuff down and slamming their drawers if things don't go their way etc.

OP posts:
Vallmo47 · 08/01/2023 19:33

Hugs OP
We all have days like that, when there’s absolutely no way we would considering anything anyone said, because it’s all shit and that’s all there is to it.
Wallow today, another fresh start tomorrow. Come back to thread when you are in a better frame of mind and actually want life to improve. Been there. 🥰

Original poster
RanhaThePiranha · 08/01/2023 19:33

Spannerinthe · 08/01/2023 19:29

Why are you not allowed?

Because all money I earn is accounted for -
Same applies to DH. He is not financially abusive etc, I have full access to all finances etc and have a say. He doesn't want me spending money on a gym membership when I have access at home to stuff which I get

OP posts:
Original poster
RanhaThePiranha · 08/01/2023 19:33

Vallmo47 · 08/01/2023 19:33

Hugs OP
We all have days like that, when there’s absolutely no way we would considering anything anyone said, because it’s all shit and that’s all there is to it.
Wallow today, another fresh start tomorrow. Come back to thread when you are in a better frame of mind and actually want life to improve. Been there. 🥰

❤️❤️❤️❤️

I'm just going to bath my baby - will report back

OP posts:
Spannerinthe · 08/01/2023 19:36

Ah I understand about the no gym membership OP.

That's exactly why I don't have one too.

I was just checking you weren't being told you could not.

Sorry you're feeling this way x

PollyAmour · 08/01/2023 19:37

RanhaThePiranha · 08/01/2023 19:31

I'd love to go part time but we couldn't afford to financially, so sadly it's not an option.

I feel no one out there wants to help as services are all so busy with the crisis the nhs is in.

I will be looking everywhere for jobs with similar jobs, I've even told DH I'd apply to police staff, nhs jobs, even another trust for the right job as they seem secure. I've never met such childish people that I work with now - slamming stuff down and slamming their drawers if things don't go their way etc.

Get yourself on NHS jobs and find another position in another trust. I'm an NHS worker and have worked in some truly toxic places with horribly cliquey people. You will never change them and will only end up getting more and more unhappy.

By the spring, you'll have a new job and hopefully, with help from your health visitor and GP, you will be feeling a bit more positive about life in general.

schimmelreiter · 08/01/2023 19:40

I have had a lot of success with this book ‘Self Esteem’ by Matthew McKay. I never rated cbt before, but I just wanted out of the debilitating comments going on in my head - the exercises with visualisations are available free online so you just need to skim the chapter to get an idea of the purpose, and listen with your eyes shut. Honestly made a difference in a week. Focus is on you changing your thoughts, not wallowing in the past (which has its place, but takes an awful lot of effort when you feel bad). Just a suggestion.

Original poster
RanhaThePiranha · 08/01/2023 20:42

schimmelreiter · 08/01/2023 19:40

I have had a lot of success with this book ‘Self Esteem’ by Matthew McKay. I never rated cbt before, but I just wanted out of the debilitating comments going on in my head - the exercises with visualisations are available free online so you just need to skim the chapter to get an idea of the purpose, and listen with your eyes shut. Honestly made a difference in a week. Focus is on you changing your thoughts, not wallowing in the past (which has its place, but takes an awful lot of effort when you feel bad). Just a suggestion.

I might look into that - not one for reading anything other than Sophie kinsella tbh lol

OP posts:
mistopheles · 08/01/2023 22:13

I'd like to take you out for a coffee! But instead I recommend getting on your spin bike or going for walks with these audiobooks / podcasts:

  • dr rangan chatterjee - check out his books and his feel better live more podcast
  • the Richard Nicholls podcast
  • serial - nothing relevant to your health at all but excellent

And keep looking for your new job. As you say, it will turn up.

Leakingtoilet · 08/01/2023 22:23

Keep looking for a new job, even a different department in the same trust can make so much difference. I work for the NHS and have a fantastic team which is the only thing that makes the job bearable. I can't imagine being in your shoes and working with awful people. We are really struggling to recruit at the moment and people can easily move around internally.

I agree it really does sound like depression. Totally appreciate it can be a nightmare to see a GP, especially when working full-time. Are there any options to fill in an econsult on your GPs website? If things get too much consider taking some time off sick, but in the meantime be kind to yourself

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