Hand hold - so sad

[Bouledeneige]

I had a very rough Christmas and was very low. It's never been a good time for me as a divorcee. I usually would have a good Christmas Day with my kids and extended family but afterwards my kids would be with their Dad and I'd feel very alone imagining everyone else surrounded with family. My kids are all grown up now (22 and 20) - it's much the same but sadly my DS has cut me off completely since a pandemic row so it's only DD around. This really adds to my heartache and loneliness knowing he won't see me or reply to any messages. I saw him once last year.

Today I've taken my DD back to her former university town to live in a shared house with old college friends (she graduated last summer and has been home since). We are exceptionally close so tonight I've come home to an empty house and I feel really awful knowing she won't be walking into the house again anytime soon. I have a very busy job and sone nice friends but not quite enough to not spend a lot of time alone. It's really hard. Of course I've dropped her off so many times before but today it feels terrible.

Handhold from me, it sounds really hard. I think it’s ok to miss her. I’m sure she’s very lovely. What do you enjoy about spending time with her? Sorry to hear about your son-I hope he gets in touch again soon-do you think he knows how much you miss him?
it’s hard when we have so much love and no where to put it, do you have any time to focus it somewhere like a dog? Or other animal to care for?

You're normal! You might feel this way even if you were married and your son were talking to you. It's that time of year. The holiday celebrations are over, it's dark.

I have dual citizenship and when I was in my teens and twenties in California, the expectation was to be happy all the time. It works in the sense that many people felt too guilty to dwell on problems but it also puts a lot of pressure on people to have perfect lives and find positives even in horrible situations. I spent a year in Russia at one point and really appreciated the way the Russians would allow themselves to wallow sometimes.

So feel free to have some time to feel sad without feeling like there's something you should be feeling guilty about or doing. You have the right to be sad even if you do have friends and a social life!

If you do want a break from feeling sad, keep yourself occupied so you're not going around and around in your head with unsolvable problems. Deep-clean the kitchen while listening to a good podcast series. Do a YouTube yoga class while watching a movie. Invite a friend over so you are associating the house with positive things. Anything to keep your brain going.

Don't worry, this will all resolve itself one way or another. If it's being in the house alone you don't like, maybe consider a lodger? Some people have agreements where the lodger vacates at weekends. Maybe that would work for you.

Thanks folks. I'm glad for my daughter - she didn't love bring back in London so has saved up money she has earned to get her rent together. She wants to be independent and be with her friends. She sent me pictures of how she's decorated her room and I know we will chat soon. It was just so nice to have her come in at the end of an evening (after waitressing it a night out with her pals). So empty now.

I don't have any pets. I'm going to see my elderly father in the morning (he's very frail and moving into a care home next week). So I will focus my energy on being supportive and reassuring as understandably he's anxious. I will go to the cinema with a friend tomorrow evening. And I have a busy work week ahead - an art evening class on Monday and a fun dinner on Thursday. So it won't be terrible.

My DS never replies. I call, send presents and messages. Nothing. He knows I miss him but he's so stubborn. It hurts. It's been 2 years.

Was the row with your son over vaccinations?

You're doing all the right things. It'll feel better at some point. You sound like someone who gets things done and you'll find people. Don't let care-giving take every second of free time. Try to develop a new hobby where you're meeting people.

I hope your son at least agrees to discuss the problems with you at some point. If he's only 20, I expect he'll have very different attitudes in future. You're keeping the door open and that's all you can do. You're doing everything right here.

For now, give yourself permission to wallow a bit. You'll be OK.

So sorry op. This sounds really hard. I guess like any life change it takes some adjusting too. I’m sure You will settle into a new routine. Maybe arrange some lovely day visits to your daughter.

I hope you manage to get some common ground with your son eventually.

Thank you for your supportive comments.

No the row with my son wasn't about vaccinations. Its quite complicated but there was tension because of how little they helped me during lockdown (I was still working through lockdown and both of them had nothing to do with school and college basically cancelled). But it seems like he turned on me and blames me for lots of things - he had a tough time in his school years and was depressed at times. I tried to support him all if could (XH did nothing meaningful) and I got him a lot of extra tutoring to help him (though really it was just that he wasn't working). My DD doesn't think its okay that he's chosen to block me at all and my XH doesn't think its good for my son but has done nothing to support me. My son has basically cut himself off from a lot of people - his extended family - and he barely keeps in touch with his sister or his Dad. Its awful. We were close and had a lot of laughs. I went on a road trip round Mexico with just him after his GCSE's and we had a ball.