Should I tell a my colleague about unpleasant comments?

[ginasevern]

Bit of a long one for my first post.

I work in a small company, around 25 people in total. It's a friendly place and I've been here for 15 years. I get on well with everyone but there are two people I particularly like, namely Simon and Jeanette (names changed for obvious reasons). They've both worked here as long as me. Our roles in the company are very different, so job-wise we don't interact that much but often during break times the three of us have a good chat and laugh. Simon and I smoke so we also see each other in the yard outside most days. Jeanette and I have always found Simon to be a very kind and rather sensitive man, not the run of the mill type. He is in his late fifties, I am early sixties and Jeanette is late sixties. Jeanette and I have socialised outside of work together but never with Simon. We are widows and he has been married for 35 years.

A couple of months ago Simon and I were having a cigarette break in the back yard, it was just the two of us which isn't unusual. We were chatting away about nothing in particular and the conversation drifted into what we'd do if we won the lottery. So far, so normal and light hearted. I said I'd like to go abroad for a few months, somewhere warm and sunny. Simon smiled and said the following words "I can imagine you and Jeanette topless on a beach together". I instantly felt uncomfortable because firstly I hadn't mentioned Jeanette and secondly because of the word "topless". This wasn't his usually style and we'd never shared that kind of personal humour. What followed next though was unreal. He said, and I quote "Pass the sick bucket, I wish I'd never thought of that. Now I can't unsee it, fucking hell" and he started to stick his fingers down his throat making mock sick noises and pulling a really unpleasant face. I mumbled something about getting back to my desk and quickly left wondering if I'd dreamt it.

Just to clarify, I am definitely not a "pearl clutcher". I've worked in offices on construction sites and on the docks and haven't led a particularly cosseted life. But this really shocked and upset me. Not only because the comments were so out of character but also because it involved Jeanette who wasn't there to defend herself, if that's the right word. Neither she nor I have ever come close to flirting with Simon or even thought about doing so and we don't view ourselves as anything but average looking, long in the tooth women.

The thing is, now every time Jeanette says how kind Simon is I feel the urge to tell her about his nasty comments. On the other hand, I don't want to share the upset when really she only ever encounters him briefly at work. She's only recently been widowed and I don't want to hurt her. She really is a lovely, genuine person! Thoughts please.

I think it’s Simon you need to tackle over this. If it makes him feel bad, then good. Tell him his comments were unsolicited and unnecessary, and left you feeling really uncomfortable. Tell him that you haven’t told Janette because you think the weirdness would upset her!

It's a tough one. I don't think you're a pearl-clutcher at all. I work with people who are well-known for having poor social skills and the only ones who have said things like that have been real creeps, Weinstein types. Anyway, it's completely normal and logical that you feel creeped out.

If you want to be very charitable, you could chalk the comment up to major social awkwardness from a lonely person. My guess is that he's conscious of the fact you're women and may let his imagination drift. You didn't say anything to make him feel better after he said it (which was the right way to respond) so he probably realizes he crossed a major line, right?

I don't have a strong opinion one way or the other about whether to say anything to Jeanette, but because these are your primary social relationships at work and the situation is bothering you so much, I think it would be fair to say something low-key. For example, "Simon has always been so sweet but the other day he made a really odd comment. I don't know what to think."

I'd give him another chance but if you don't feel like being alone with him at all or for a while, that's understandable. Or if you feel a bit tense at first.

To be honest, I think the pass the sick bucket comments were him realising that he had made an inappropriate remark out loud and were a clumsy way of him saying 'that was out of line, I'm scrubbing it out of my head' - but bc he was embarrassed, he did it in an equally crass way.

I wouldn't 'do' anything at this point. Let sleeping dogs lie. If he says anything a second time then you have to tackle him, not Jeanette.

@MilkshakesBringAllTheCoosToTheYard, yes, I agree. He realized he'd crossed a line and then got even more awkward when he tried to undo the sexual remark.

It sounds instead like his mind goes in a sexual direction when he thinks of you and Jeanette, OP, and then he had to back-pedal.

Thanks so much everyone for your very measured replies. I think you are all correct. He got himself into a corner and made it ten times worse. I didn't say anything when I walked away because I was honestly stunned. I mean, the comments were pretty unpleasant. Especially from someone who, in 15 years, has never come close to anything like that. It is true, he is a bit of a loner and doesn't like social events/crowds. I've obviously seen him at work since and he's been his usual self. I won't tell Jeanette, she doesn't need to know. She was only widowed last year after 40 odd years of marriage and coming to work keeps her sane. I'll put the whole thing out of my mind. I really don't want to view Simon as some kind of creep.

Thanks also for responding to my first post. Always a bit nerve wracking on a new platform! Happy New Year everyone.

I think that's the right approach OP, with the proviso as always 'fool me twice, more fool me.' If it happens again, cut him out of your friendship. Hopefully it won't though.

@ginasevern, I agree with @MilkshakesBringAllTheCoosToTheYard. Your response is the right one. We all cross a line at some point but be on the lookout for other weird behaviour.

If I were you, in the longer term I'd be looking for a different smoking buddy or just to give up the cigarettes so that you don't have to be in a one-to-one situation with Simon again.

He clearly has overstepped and WAYYYYYY overshared but the fact is what he was thinking when you mentioned going on holidays if you won the lottery. Not about going sightseeing or even possibly doing outdoor activities like abseiling or rock climbing or some water sports that you have never attempted but going topless on a beach somewhere. Why did his mind go there??? I honestly couldn't say that I have ever thought of seeing any of my work colleagues on an overseas holiday let alone on a beach and (male or female) topless. His mind has gone to a very strange place. As for gesturing that he was making himself sick, that's just wrong.

If I were you, you should have a conversation with him. Say that you didn't appreciate his comment that he made about you and Jeanette and you really didn't appreciate the carry on that followed by him and it was upsetting. Stay quiet after you've said that. See if he apologises or not. If he does, then its up to you to decide if you want to accept the apology or not. If he doesn't, then you have a bit of a bigger issue on your hands because you now know that he is thinking of these things when he sees you and Jeanette together. He won't know if you've mentioned anything to Jeanette or not so you'll know how to proceed based on that conversation with Simon.

Best of luck.

Hi LookItsMeAgain. As you say, why did he immediately sexualise my remark about going somewhere warm on holiday? But, if he had stopped right there I would have put it down to a serious humour fail and even (possibly) felt a bit embarrassed for him. So although I thought the "topless" remark was out of line and character, it was what followed that stunned me. Being told to your face that the very thought makes someone want to violently puke is pretty brutal in anyone's book.

I've decided not to discuss it with him or to tell Jeanette but I will keep my distance from him, without being rude. We don't socialise with him outside of work and I can change my breaks. I really can't see Simon in the same light again and at the end of the day, how much do we actually know about him? I dearly value Jeanette's friendship and that's the most important thing so I'll avoid causing upset. If he ever says anything nasty again though I will tell him in no uncertain terms.

On a separate note, I hope I'm navigating this forum properly and responding to everyone as I should. Please do tell me if not.