Taking MIL to visit a home tomorrow.

[Glenthebattleostrich]

Apologies this is long, but don't want to drip feed etc.

Tomorrow we are taking my MIL to visit a dementia specialist supported living facility. She has vascular dementia (posted about her before Christmas) which is quite advanced but DH and DSIL have struggled to accept how bad she is and how much support she needs.

Since my last thread I've taken over the admin of her management. We live 2 hours away so can't help on a day to day basis. We've had her reassessed by the memory clinic, involved social services and admiral nurses. All agree that MIL os quite far along the stages (heading well into stage 5 - very little short term memory, confused, falling over, mood swings etc) and needs quite a lot of support. The consultant was very surprised that she is still living independently without care support and put an urgent referral into social services.

Anyway, after meeting with the social worker and discussing options, as well as doing some research ourselves, we are going to visit a new place tomorrow. There will be tears and anger - last visit MIL accused me of wanting her in a home so I can steal her house. (the house is falling apart, literally in horrendous condition and no way on gods green and shiny would i chose to visit if i had a choice let alone want it for myself). SIL is refusing to come because, while she fully supports moving MIL she can't deal with the emotional fall out. Absolutely understand to be fair. DH will be impatient and cross because his mum is so upset. And I feel incredibly guilty for pushing this despite knowing it is for the best.

I'll deal with it because i have to. But i am absolutely dreading the day.

Apologies again for the length!

Just a difficult decision all round.
So sorry you are having to do this, and that your dh and his sister aren't really emotionally ready.

You are putting her needs first because her children can’t right now. That’s an amazing thing to do.

Your husband and sil are incredibly fortunate that you are dealing with this when it's something that by rights should be their's to sort out. I think you're a Saint for doing it, I wouldn't.

Sending you literally loads of unmumsnetty hugs. I've done the same thing for my own DF and it was hands down the hardest thing I've ever done.

One thing that I did was make a photo book for my Dad with pictures of all of us. Inside was written a carefully worded note - basically to say 'please look at this book with my Dad and look after him! ' We used to look at it with him when we visited too.

Another thing that helped was getting to know the staff. You'll work out who are the nicest ones soon enough.

Your DH will be grumpy but he'll be hurting so much. I mean I'm tearing up just writing this!

I hope it goes well for you. I hope it's a lovely place for your MIL xxx

Huge sympathies, OP, everything crossed for you.
We didn’t tell my mother (with dementia) that she was moving to a home - she would simply have refused to leave the house. According to her there was nothing wrong with her but she was quite bad by then - her short term memory was zero and she just wasn’t safe to be left alone at all any more - there had already been a kitchen fire because she’d tried to cook something and forgotten it.

We had to arrange it all and get her there by stealth - I have never dreaded a day so much, but it could have been a lot worse.

I can only advise what are called in dementia-carer circles ‘love lies’ - it’s just for a while, or until the doctor thinks you’re a bit better, or for you to have a rest, or until we get (whatever needs fixing in the house fixed) etc. And repeat. A hundred to one she’ll forget whatever you say so quickly anyway.

if you’re not already aware, the Alzheimer’s Soc. website has a Talking Point forum for carers/relatives of people with dementia. It was a lifeline for me for years - before my DM, FiL had it, too.
All best wishes, and 🤞.

Have you couched it in terms if she can go there and try it?
That might be a good place to start, and as contriving as it may sound, given her poor short term memory, you could all then say she lives there now?
It might smooth the path so to speak.
She can't say you're 'putting her in a home' as you're not, and hopefully as time goes on, you could then do the 'you live here now' thing.
I'm sure the staff at the home will do their best to make her feel welcome (if they don't, it's not a good place anyway) and that might help too.
I hope it works out for all of you.

When you say you're bringing her to visit, is it to visit and stay there and you leave without her, or to visit and return her to her own home with a vision to return with her at another date?

If it's the former, I'd go with the suggestion previously made that this is just so that your DH and SiL can go in and give her home a top to toe clean for her to be able to return to (so like a holiday if you will) and when it's ready, she can return home.
Then keep saying little fibs to get you through the visits and before too long you'll be able to say to her that she lives in the home and this is her home, which it will be by then.

If it's the latter, then you're going to have to come up with a reason why you'll have to go back with her and with a suitcase of her clothes and her possessions so that she can be in a room with her things.

I wish you every strength getting through tomorrow.

Supported living (as in own flat with care going in) or care home? The OP alludes to both.

If it's supported living and she's a s far along as you say it's likely she will need to move again quite soon which could be detrimental.

A care home would be more suitable from what you say so I hope this is what you mean.

Is the place you're visiting going to be funded from the sale of her place with a deferred payment?

Chances are she'll protest but once moved in will love it.

Sorry to hear this, but you are absolutely doing the right thing.

I was, though, a bit at your DH and SIL letting the burden (and all the work!) fall on your shoulders.

However, I know it's incredibly hard for everyone.

for you, and hope it goes well.

Fantastic, well done you. It is the most loving thing to do but very very hard for family and friends.

Your MIL will be safe, clean, fed and hopefully entertained too.

It's easier to deal with a situation when you're objective and not so emotionally involved. Your h and sil are lucky to have you!

I hope the visit goes well.

We had to put mil in a home about 5 years ago and she settled in well and enjoyed it before her dementia got worse. She said it was like being at boarding school. And we knew she was safe and looked after and warm and fed...

@bluebeardswife7 - I think you've posted on the wrong thread. I don't know what Lego has to do with the OP's MiL...can you explain???

Thanks everyone, sorry for not replying last night, it was a bad evening with MIL phoning constantly and she upset my DD (unintentionally, my daughter is 12 so saying good morning is often enough to set her off!).

The place we are going to look at is a new development which is a cross between a home and sheltered accomodation and it specializes in care of people with dementia. They each have a self contained flat with a communal area and it offers a full care package when needed. As she declines the care increases and when the inevitable happens there are a couple of bungalows on site for more dedicated end of life care. It's a brand new initiative by the council, age uk, university of sterling and admiral nurses and the theory is the person can retain the appearance of independence for longer. It's kinda like a halfway house between care home and sheltered accomodation and should be her last move.

Thanks for the advice, I'm making note of it all. This is the initial viewing and we have told her she asked us to take her after the social worker suggested it. Again, feel awful lying but we need her safe. When she visited us she flooded the bathroom so its only a matter of time before she leaves the gas on.

I'll update later when we get home.

That sounds a brilliant initiative @Glenthebattleostrich - and an amazing place to move MIL into.

Good luck!

It is, and I really hope it is suitable for MIL. 🤞🤞

Fingers crossed for you. I know how hard this will be for you and for everyone else

you have us here to lean on. Good luck today

@Glenthebattleostrich, don't feel bad about lying - you've done the right thing for her safety and wellbeing.

I hope your visit is going well. Sorry that your daughter felt the brunt of her grandmother's illness, that can't have been easy.

That sounds like a fantastic place. I hope it goes well today.

So the place is amazing. We need to apply for health power of attorney but that should be a formality.

MIL is crying because she wants to stay at home but we are telling her is is a temporary flat while we repair her house!

Spoke to some visitors in the car park and they couldn't say enough nice things. Some residents moved from other homes / sheltered accomodation and they love it.

Just need to get the application in and approved now!

That's great news OP, I wish there was a facility like this near us a DGM is in need of similar support with a 'front' of independent living. Do you mind me asking what the costs are involved?

That's really good to hear. Sorry that your MIL is crying, but it sounds like she should be very happy there, as well as properly looked after

That sounds like definite progress.

I am sorry that your MiL was crying about having to move there but as you couched it that it is just while you repair her house.

For the short term, if I were you I'd start to take some photos of the house she'll be leaving in it's current state, in case she asks to see it and you can show the 'work' that is going in to getting it up to a standard that she could possibly return to and she can't return to a building site.

Ask her what things she might like to bring with her when she moves in - a lamp, cushion, (would she be allowed to bring a chair?), a couple of pictures from her walls so she has familiar things around her. I'd also get her some photo frames with pictures of her and the family, with different people in the family, and get them set up in her room so that she can keep seeing herself with people that will end up being visitors to her.

It definitely sounds a lot more positive. Would she try to escape to get back to her house do you think?

Home and fed!

@PoinsettiaPosturing ring your local age uk, that's how we found out about this place. It is called Havelock Place in North Tyneside.

She has some little bits to take and I'm arranging a family portrait for her birthday (think it'll be a nice for DH and DSIL too) but quite a bit of her stuff is old and needs to be replaced. We'll do a raid on IKEA for some new stuff.

Can't believe it's going to cost over £370 to get POA but needs must!