Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Husband's memory

20 replies

Newaccounttopost · 06/01/2023 19:57

DH told me tonight that he doesn't remember the birth of our second child, he knows he was at the hospital and in pictures but doesn't remember the birth or bringing DC home the next day. I mentioned a few details and he said he sort of remembered now I said it but he doesn't know day of the week, time of day, anything that happened etc. He doesn't remember what DD2 was like as a baby, or that I took her back to hospital at a few days old for example. Nor that she attended nursery for a few weeks at 1 year old before stopping.

The birth itself was very straightforward, and it was during winter lockdown where not much was going on besides, but my memory is really clear down to tiny details. He said he does remember DD1 as a baby a bit, and remembers bringing her home from hospital because the car seat was really heavy!

He has often forgotten conversations etc we've had earlier in our relationship and says his childhood was a blur (although apparently reasonably happy) but his memory for other events, work stuff, etc. seems reasonable and his short term memory too - he remembers everything that happened recently. Although he is much more involved now they are older he didn't seem to want to do much with them as babies at all - he slept in the spare room and I breastfed and did pretty much everything else until they were at least 1 (2.5 with DD1) so maybe that's why but I'd have thought he'd remember the births/bringing them home in more detail. He was a bit emotional when we talked about it which is really unlike him.

Can anybody else relate to this? Neither of us are sure what to think but I am a bit worried.

OP posts:
Newaccounttopost · 06/01/2023 20:48

I know it's a bit early for a bump but feeling a bit unsettled so hoping for replies!

OP posts:
Scramble1805 · 06/01/2023 21:04

Perhaps he's not remembering the stressful memories? Bringing an extra family member home, baby going back into hospital after a few days, toddler being taken out of nursery.
I'm not saying it's ok, or normal, but it might just be his minds way of filing memories. I expect the information is in there somewhere, just not easily remembered.

mumyes · 06/01/2023 21:05

I have a really crappy memory so can relate...but it does seem a little unusual i would agree. Flowers

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Newaccounttopost · 06/01/2023 21:08

Maybe, he didn't seem particularly stressed by them - with nursery for example he didn't seem to have much opinion either way. The return to hospital was for something reasonably minor. I appreciate I can't know what's going through someone's mind though.

OP posts:
QueSyrahSyrah · 06/01/2023 21:09

I think some people just file memories differently to others. I can remember highlights of the last 20 years, but lots of it is gone too, especially when it comes to the order things happened in, and how long events lasted (ie: how long did I work somewhere or lived somewhere or dated someone)

I'm pretty good at remembering finer details about other things though, and my short term memory is fine.

On the other hand, my Mum can remember every restaurant we went to when she came to visit 10 years ago, what we were each wearing and what we both had to eat 😵‍💫

Newaccounttopost · 06/01/2023 21:13

@QueSyrahSyrah thank you, that's comforting and makes sense. He thinks perhaps his memory is getting worse, but only for medium term memories (although to me he seems a bit vague about things in the distant past too!) He is sharper than me about some day to day stuff - doesn't forget what he went upstairs for etc like I do!

OP posts:
Colinthedaxi · 06/01/2023 21:16

Look up SDAM, I have it along with Aphantasia and would probably be very similar to your husband.

Newaccounttopost · 06/01/2023 22:23

@Colinthedaxi thank you, talking about how he experiences his memories helped us to conclude it was probably nothing to worry about. He does visualise memories, so doesn't sound like SDAM, but admitted that he wasn't at all bonded to the kids when they were babies. I think that awful as it sounds those moments just weren't that significant to him, whereas he hopefully will remember lots about them more recently. It was different for me as I had that indescribable, overwhelming love for them from the first moment etc. so remember it all vividly.

He thinks perhaps his memory of events about two years ago is worse, and before and after fine, which may be something he will keep an eye on but it also occurred to me that the lockdown periods weren't really punctuated with other interesting day to day things to really anchor/place memories with.

OP posts:
Adviceneeded200 · 06/01/2023 22:27

Sometimes our memories aren't right anyway. I used to think things and Mum would put me right! We ended up not knowing who was right and needing dad as a casting vote!

Not sure incorrect memories are any better than not remembering.

user1474315215 · 06/01/2023 22:29

This sounds just like me, and I was the one giving birth!
I'm very organised in everyday life, juggle all the family arrangements etc and have no concerns about my everyday memory function but honestly have very hazy memories of my own (happy) childhood, my school days or my children's early years.
I reassure myself that it's a good sign, as anyone I've ever known with any sort of serious memory issues seems to have very clear memories of the distant past!

peskygrout · 06/01/2023 22:33

We had an incredible high needs, non-sleeping and very very stressful DC1. My husband doesn't really remember the first year of their life. I was in survival mode but remember everything like it was yesterday. Just in case this makes you feel any better!

determinedtomakethiswork · 06/01/2023 22:41

Can he remember his school days? Can he remember his friends there, his teachers etc?

Can you remember meeting you? His first job? People he lived with before you?

underneaththeash · 06/01/2023 23:27

Colinthedaxi · 06/01/2023 21:16

Look up SDAM, I have it along with Aphantasia and would probably be very similar to your husband.

I have aphantasia - just googled SDAM and surely it’s just one and the same, you’re obviously not going to remember fine details if you can’t ‘see’ or re-live them.

I’m still not convinced it’s a deficit, there are many things people do not want to re-live or remember in great detail!

zippalippa · 07/01/2023 07:18

You mention he forgets conversations from earlier in your relationship. This part is a little concerning because it's not just a case of forgetting a stressful event (new baby). I would get him checked out at the doctor to be sure there isn't something more going on.

If it's any consolation I don't remember most of my university days because I had a mental breakdown with the stress of it all and years later I still struggle to recall much of it. Doc says I'm perfectly normal, it can just be a stress reaction. But in his shoes I think a checkup would be warranted to be on the safe side.

Newaccounttopost · 07/01/2023 08:46

@determinedtomakethiswork yes, he does remember all these things. He remembers other events from when DC2 was a baby, to do with work, his hobby etc (aside from where it was restricted by lockdown), just doesn't really remember DD as a baby. He does say he feels his memory from around 2 years ago is a bit worse, but it seems undefined. I do feel a bit worried but his short term memory seems fine for work where he is very successful and everything else, although he has forgotten things like that he agreed to look after DC one evening for me to go to a meeting for example. That sounds like this is a typical DH thing from what I've read on here but I just don't know.

@zippalippa I'm sorry you went through that. I guess we can't know for sure if he found having a new baby stressful but he honestly didn't seem to and says he didn't.

I think he might consider talking to GP so hope he does.

OP posts:
TwitTwoodiniEscapeOwlogist · 07/01/2023 11:13

I hadn't heard of SDAM before but I think I might have that. I can remember books and facts and films etc, but have very few memories of my own life, maybe only a few a year. Even memories of my son (who I adore) being born and growing up are very thin on the ground.

I don't have aphantasia, I have a very strong visual sense and like to paint as a hobby.

However what I don't have is an inner voice. I've seen people on Mumsnet talking about having a constant voice in their head that talks about what they are thinking and doing and I don't have that at all. My mind is usually just silent. I wonder if the brain finds it harder to keep memories that aren't put into words in some way? Does your husband have an inner voice?

WaitingOutside · 07/01/2023 11:27

I think you're right to wonder if those events just aren't as significant to him as they are to you, therefore aren't stored long-term. Lockdown could be viewed as boring and monotonous with not much to remember. Certainly I can't remember the detail or be certain of the order of things now.

You said the return to hospital was for something relatively minor, your birth was straightforward, he didn't have much of an opinion on the nursery and your child only attended for a few weeks. All those things (to me) signal that they were more significant to you than him. Not to say he doesn't value or enjoy those things in the moment, just the memory doesn't stick around as it's not filed as one to remember indefinitely.

I'd be concerned if the memory issues were more blanket around a whole range of situations.

Pixiedust1234 · 07/01/2023 11:39

Well...now you've got me worried too! I just thought different people have differently wired brains. Some people remember lots of useless facts but not birthdays or anniversaries for instance.

I cant remember my past either. Odd things can be recalled but never in detail. I can remember to pay bills and other life admin but once something is done I mentally put a big tick against it and then its "dumped". However I do remember feelings of sadness or happiness or humour etc.

FatEaredFuck · 07/01/2023 11:42

I have ADHD and my memory is pretty bloody terrible. Worse than terrible at times it feels random. Remember who ate what at a restaurant we went to 3 years ago? Sure. Remember my best friend applied for a job of a lifetime 3 months ago and forget to ask for an update - absolutely.

I remember differently and often I remember because I've thought of it a lot. If it was DC2 - your husband may have been concentrating looking about DC1 as well as mum and babe and not had time to reflect on what happened and as time went on it faded.

I'd be tempted for a doctors appointment for him - but if kids are under 5 its possible exhaustion/overwork has been effecting his memory more so recently. My dad's memory is heavily affected by stress.

Towntroubadour · 07/01/2023 11:45

I have a very poor long term memory and my working memory is poor as well. My daughter has memory issues as well (she’s autistic and has adhd). I don’t remember much of my children. I know where I went to school but not teachers or people. Same with high school and university. I could only tell you one of my university tutors (it was 20 years ago).

New posts on this thread. Refresh page