Help me change my life in 2023

[NewLife2023]

NC for this as I'm willing to be fairly accurate to get any help!

I've worked at the same place since starting as a graduate 20 years ago. In all honestly, I didn't pick wisely to use my brain. My career plateaued a long time ago. I've never fulfilled the potential expected of me as a late teen/student. I am (or was, I think I've festered) highly intelligent, but too detailed (slow) and lacking in confidence to progress upwards in the corporate world I've ended up in. Probably also not interested enough in the subject matter and so ploughed too much energy into social life and volunteering which I was more interested in, but it didn't concern me at the time. Hindsight is wonderful, she says glumly.

I've obviously built up huge experience in a well respected and desirable organisation, and I am a strong performer but not at a very senior level (middle management).

I'm relatively old to have two young DC (2&4), neither of whom sleep and I'm generally tired. I am married. I am the main earner.

We live in the SE England commuter belt convenient for work. It's a nice town with an outstanding junior school, but we have outgrown our house and can't afford anywhere bigger here. We would prefer to live more rurally anyway.

Much as I sound down, I do have energy for projects at work I am passionate about and the volunteering I still do. As an extrovert, doing those things gives me energy. I do think I could bring a huge amount to a new job and have a little fire inside me burning to show what I can really do if I could find the right thing. Unfinished business!

BUT I just can't get the headspace: to work out how much we could afford for a house; where we would like to move to; what type of job should I look for.

And everything is interwoven.
-If we look for a house first then we will still be tied to this area as I would still be working here when I'd rather look blank sheet for the best home for our family
-As the major earner I feel I have to earn at least the same as I do now so I won't be retraining from scratch
-Could we actually move somewhere cheaper which would enable me to work PT? (DC are both on FT nursery/wraparound and I have enormous guilt about this)
-Or if we moved somewhere cheaper, could I take a pay cut for a more interesting job

And then my brain explodes because I am so busy and tired and nothing changes. I need to break this down into chunks and I don't know where to start. I hope the wisdom of mn may be able to help?

DH also wants to move. His job is location flexible. He randomly peruses rightmove and throws ideas out there, but without knowing a budget, to me it's pointless, and the budget relates to the job and so we go round in circles of nothing changing.

TLDR: I want to move house and change jobs. Where do I start?

You say you’ve been in the same job for 20 years so you do have to consider that it may actually be really difficult for you to get another job or at least take quite a while. As someone who sifts job applications regularly a one-job cv is in the same category as those who job-hop every 6/9/12 months. So if you were to move to a more rural location I think you’d have to allow (time and cost) for commuting to your current job while you try to get another. So I would use your current jobs to set the budget for doing this. And if the move is more important to you then do that and start to look for another job when you’re settled.

Do you want to stay in the (expensive) south east or would you be prepared to move somewhere else? If you are prepared to totally move areas could you find somewhere cheap enough where your flexible working dh would be ok to cover costs until you find another job?

@AuroraForever Whilst I've worked for the same company, I've done a variety of assignments within a couple of functions. Definitely not the same job for 20 years but within the same industry. I think my best bet to maximise income is try and see if I can find roles which solely focus on those aspects I enjoy rather than do one of the same roles elsewhere. But it's more niche and less straightforward.

One thing which had crossed my mind was if we could decide on location, I could apply for one of the same roles in a company in that location. It would be relatively straightforward (not easy, I'm not naive, but do-able) because the company I work for is one of the best in the field, but I don't think my heart would be in it.

@AuroraForever Sorry, hit post too soon. Thank you for the perspectives, it's food for thought though and you are probably right we need to somehow sort location first.

@ThroughThickAndThin01 We probably need to stay south as we don't want to be too far from elderly relatives, but we would gladly be beyond 'daily' London commuting distance if that makes sense.

One thing I forgot to mention in my OP. There's a very very slim chance of redundancy, but they don't announce when it's available. Very cloak and dagger, but every so often you find some people have been paid off.

It would enable us to move and give us the breathing space to sort out new jobs, but I don't know if it's a bad idea so request it, if nothing then comes of it. I don't want them to think I've given up (because I wouldn't, I haven't. My work ethic is too strong).

Can you request to WFH part of the week? If yes, do that then move to where you want to move. You can do a long commute 2 days a week if necessary but once you've moved you can also look for other jobs.

It's clear you need to make a leap of faith with something. What does your DH suggest? Sometimes it's easier to follow someone else when you don't know what to do

Are you on LinkedIn?? It will really help your self esteem. Yes I am 20 years in my job. Its okay

@ratatattatt I already WFH Monday and Friday so what you suggest is feasible. I guess I've shied away from it because if I were to be away overnight it would pile the home load onto DH but perhaps we need to discuss it as a means to an end.

We probably can't afford to live on his salary only (or not for very long and would deplete savings).

But what we could perhaps do is if I were to be away, would be Abel to afford DH to take a career break which is also possible for a short time.

I would:

• work out how much equity you have in your property. Just use Zoopla for a rough area estimate if you haven’t a clue
• go to any major lender (or the one you’re with now) plug in your details to their ‘how much can I borrow’ calculator
• make a decision from there about what to do next.

We moved last year after I did this - it had kind of passed me by that I had doubled my salary and we’d gained a lot of equity as we’d been in the house for some time. We could afford a lot more than we’d originally thought.

Once you have an idea of affordability you can almost start cutting your cloth.

I agree with pp, see what you can afford, start your house hunt and job search accordingly. You might find you're pleasantly surprised at what is available beyond London's commuter belt towns.

Thank you, yes I should update my Linked In. I have t for about ten years so always find it highly amusing when recruiters email on a weekly basis with 'perfect' jobs!

In terms of working out what we can afford. I feel stupid asking but my brain is so befuddled. Would you just work off current salaries? Clearly with a desire to reduce my hours or open the door to more jobs, that potentially isn't realistic, but it's one of the causes of going round in circles so I need to start somewhere.

I'm assuming you're a woman. If you were the main earner and a man, I don't think anyone would be at all surprised if your wife, the non main earner, managed the home front for 3 days mid week while you're working (either away or just doing a long commute). I would definitely see this as a means to an end - that's great you already wfh mon and fri, problem solved in my mind! You may even be able to negotiate an extra day in due course? Depends how badly they want to keep you doesn't it. (And what other options you have)

@ratatattatt Yes, I am a woman. And much as an earn more, we're about 60:40 so can't give up on one entirely nor totally deprioritise one.

The way you frame it, it's an interesting way of looking at it. I think for me it's because DH and I both work FT and we're in a pretty good place sharing home responsibilities 50:50, but even with this, we're only just treading water. It's very very hard working FT with young children and if finances weren't so close to equal I think we would have changed something sooner.

The thought of DH not being around to do his half would be too much for me so I haven't thought of the same in reverse. But short term or in a way which meant he worked less is definitely worth looking into.

Yes - work with what you know to start off with. You'll know immediately what is doable and what isn't.

On LinkedIn, I'd like to look up some colleagues to see how they describe the work we do in order to update my profile. I believe people can see who's viewed them - can I turn this feature off? I've had a quick look in my settings and can't see it.

Personally I would do everything possible to go part time. Once your DC are in primary it is hard for them doing a full day plus after school club. My DC hated clubs so really didn't want to go to them.

@GoodVibesHere Yes, I'm really going to try to. My kids don't know any different than FT nursery and now school wraparound for DC1, and whilst it was an adjustment, he's ok with it now. That said, it's hard for him and as he gets older and will want to do after school activities, become nigh on impossible.m

But I'm equally conscious in the long run it might be better to earn as much as possible now and save going part time for when they are in secondary and more likely to need me emotionally that physically?

If you have no choice then your kids will have to make do FT with wraparound. If you have a choice then absolutely it is better for your kids to be with a parent more, no matter their age. I wouldn't kid yourself that when they're younger it's easier for them to be looked after by someone else, that's not supported by research. Be there for them as much as you can afford to.

Yes, @pizzazze that is a goal for the changes we make one way or another. Whether we move somewhere cheaper so we can afford for one of us to work less, or I earn more which would enable DH to work less, we have a few options, one of which I desperately hope to realise.

*we hope to make

I know I don’t understand all the details but could you move to the north east where everything is mega cheap, giving you more freedom and less stress to focus on career and enjoy life a bit more too?

Hey OP! In case you still need help with LinkedIn privacy, you can click on the top right corner on Me > Settings & Privacy > Visibility > Change > Private Mode and that'll ensure your profile doesn’t appear within the “who’s viewed your profile” section of the accounts you are viewing! You should definitely include your volunteering experience there too!

You said you weren't too interested in your current subject matter and have a fire inside of you to show what you can do as a professional and I think you should do something about that!

1. I'd try to explore my interests, values, strengths and weaknesses and try to understand what role I'd like to play in the subject matters that interest me most. I have no doubt your volunteering experience has given you additional skills and you can utilise those skills too!
2. Then I'd explore locations where I'd want to move, review properties there
3. Then I'd look for jobs in those locations or remote jobs if you like that type of work. I worked in an office and enjoyed the social aspect of it but working remotely gave me flexibility and that is more important for me right now
4. After reviewing areas and exploring job opportunities, I'd apply to several jobs. Based on your experience, I think you will be popular but make sure you list all those different assignments within a couple of functions you had!
5. Once a job offer is on the table, I'd leave my current job/explore redundancy
6. In the period between leaving your old job and starting your new one you can focus on moving house. Perhaps you could consider renting for a short period of time while you find the house. I think understanding what type of work makes you happiest will give you confidence and drive, looking for a nice rural area in which you can live comfortably will give you peace of mind, you can always change jobs but a perfect place to live is so hard to find!

Sit down with a cuppa and think about what your ideal job would look like. Is it in your current industry, or somewhere you volunteered. That is the starting point for any plans or decisions.