I wish my mother was maternal, just occasionally would be brilliant.

[DalmationStation]

(Disclaimer - She never has been so it’s likely she never will be.)

An example - I have been in bed for 4 days with a flu like virus. I am not prone to going to bed with illness. It’s a really horrible bug and my DC and DH already had it one after another and were completely floored by it. The first 2 days I literally couldn’t move my head off the pillow.

DM is aware that the rest of the family have had it and been really unwell. DM thought it was flu as her and DF haven’t had it, despite being in contact with the DC when they were still a bit ill (DM wanted them to visit on Boxing Day regardless). She knew I had it on Monday and was in bed.

Anyway, I phoned her this morning to ask if she could take my youngest DD out for a bit, somewhere like the park down the road or for a walk, as she has been cooped up with me and on iPad for days and I felt guilty and wanted her to get some exercise.

When I phoned DM at about 9.30am, obviously I asked how she was and she said she was well. She asked how I was (I’ve pretty much lost my voice so maybe another clue that I am ill). I said “Not great, I’m in bed”. She replied cheerfully “Oh so am I! I’m having a lazy morning”.

I said to her that I’ve been in bed for days with flu. She asked “Oh, so it’s flu is it?” and I said that obviously I don’t know for certain it is flu but it’s a flu type bug. DM responded by talking about the fact that she didn’t sleep very well last night.

I asked if she can take DD out for an hour (DM lives a short walking distance away). DM said that she doesn’t want to rush so it will be this afternoon probably , and she doesn’t really fancy the park, but there is a coffee shop nearby that she likes and can take DD to for a bit.

I appreciate that, I really do.

But, not one bit of sympathy, just “I’m sorry you don’t feel well/I hope you feel better soon” etc. She just totally ignores it if I’m ever ill (and was like that when I was a child) but if she has something wrong she will tell about every ache and pain.

I am so different as a mother and just can’t imagine not showing care to my DC, even when they are old.

Not sure of the point of this post really! Just feeling a bit sorry for myself and then feeling a bit selfish as I should be grateful that she is helping by taking DD out for half an hour, but also feeling sad and envious of friends who do have mothers who are motherly to them even though they are now adults.

*they haven’t had it and have had flu vaccine, that should have said!

Ugh, I totally sympathise and it feels a bit empty sometimes doesn't it. My mother is similar. To be honest, we get along really well on the surface. But she is extremely self-centred and always has been. She's great at practical help, but emotionally she's very avoidant and prefers to pretend that other people live a charmed life with no problems.

For example, I'm 34 weeks pregnant and in December we travelled from Somerset down to the Isle of Wight, via the passenger ferry with suitcases and large dog in tow to visit her for the festive period. When we arrived off the boat, I was exhausted, hot, swollen and grumpy. I mentioned that I was tired - and she responded by complaining that she'd had to walk to work that day (horror!) and had been cleaning the flat so she was more tired. And that I was lucky to be young, fit, healthy etc. Sigh. No sympathy at all. It's such a small thing but a lifetime of that type of communication really does grate on you.

I know far more about her health issues than I care to, as well. It's always a competition to her and I never win!

It's tough seeing friends with parents who give them what you want or need in a mother. You're not selfish. Rant away, I'm sure lots of people here will be able to sympathise.

Thanks @rosemarycait96 . There are lots of periods where I think I’ve made peace and accepted how she is, concentrate on accepting with she did do as I grew up (was certainly always clean and fed, more lack of emotional parenting) but at times of feeling vulnerable it just flares up a bit!

In the example you give, of being heavily pregnant and tired, I imagine even complete strangers could have had sympathy or empathy to that, so it is hard when it doesn’t come from the person who you would hope -maybe even expect - to care about you.

Hi OP, I really sympathise. I feel like I could have written your post. I've got an 8wo baby and two older kids, and bc of the holidays we have no childcare understandably. I'm exhausted. But I mainly hear about how my dm slept badly and her other ailments. She doesn't ask how I'm sleeping, or coping, or feeling.

She comes to visit for the day with df once a week, to "help", but really it's too hold the baby while I prep meals and do housework. I would so love to cuddle my baby while she helped with the practical stuff, but that's out of the question.

Df is very helpful, takes the big kids out or plays with them, or does some odd jobs.

I just really hope I remember this as my children get older, and give them what I've missed out on. It's hard to know what that exactly is though and how that love and warmth is shown without having anything to model from..!

'There are lots of periods where I think I’ve made peace and accepted how she is, concentrate on accepting with she did do as I grew up'

Same here. Sometimes I feel like I have made loads of progress, and I have, but other times I get floored by pain and sadness and loss

I hear you OP. I get no emotional support from my mother, or father or sister for that matter. They are all so self centred and have barely any interest in my life. We get along 'fine' on the surface but it all feels so empty and hollow. They don't really know me and have no real interest in getting to know me. It's bloody sad. I've had a lot of therapy which has helped enormously but it's still tough. Rant away x

That rings bells. Arriving to help (hold) a 5 day old and complaining that you’ve had a busy day. I was in pain ‘you’ll just have to accept the pain’ 😒
Mine is so cold, thinks I should suck everything up. It’s quite startling to be now when you see how some mums are with their adult children. I was thinking about it at the nativity actually, seeing some of the grans and thinking how nice it must be to have a warmer mum.

As a kid if I hurt myself I’d get told off for making a fuss, once I spilt hot water on my stomach and got shouted at as I burst into tears (as a shocked reaction).

I have to work it out a bit with my own children, so if they fall over I don’t want them to ‘be dramatic’, but also I do remember to give them a hug. I have to think about the balance though.

Actually DH comments that my pain threshold is ridiculously high, guess it’s that acceptance 😕

Everyone in my family is like this, including me. I make a conscious effort not to be but it feels like a forced smile. I wonder if it's nature or nurture? I do feel like it could be a genetic trait. I marvel at families where people hug each other and say "I love you".

I just wanted to add that I used to think it was everyone else and not me, but as I got older I came to the realisation that I am also afflicted 😅

Sadly my mother is exactly the same, she always ignores anything that makes me vulnerable. I was alone with my DC when I had flu last month, no partner here to help and I'm already disabled. She didn't once ask me how I was or if I needed anything. I've also been struggling a bit with depression and anxiety so it feels more hurtful than usual. I would like to think I'd never treat my children like she does, it's very cold and hurtful and leaves a lasting wound.

Lottapianos that all sounds very familiar. I had a very upsetting Christmas because of how my family are. What are they main things about therapy that helped? I'd need to do phone appointments and I wonder if it's possible to find anything affordable that would help ease the feeling of loss and pain from it all.

Omg I feel this thread so much. I feel so envious of friends with mums who are genuinely interested and involved in their lives. How nice must that feel.

I've always had low self esteem and struggle with friendships, I worry all the time that people don't really like me. I'm sure it stems from the lack of a caring relationship with my mum.

My MIL is like this. You could ring to tell her your head was falling off and she'd reply with a detailed version of a time she had a terrible migraine.

Or the time my dh visited her to tell her about a serious illness he'd been diagnosed with, very upset and seeking some comfort I suppose. So he tells her he's had his results and he's got this illness and she replies "ooohhh you know George who you went to school with, you know the one with the big ears, his sister was in the brownies with Lisa down the road, yeah well anyway his dad had that....died" and then tells him about her gout.

Honestly I just sat there open mouthed lol

How olds your mom? Has she always been like this? I'm starting to think it's an age thing

'Lottapianos that all sounds very familiar. I had a very upsetting Christmas because of how my family are. What are they main things about therapy that helped?'

Oh lord, Christmas is just the absolute worst! I can't bear it, even if I'm not around then. Can't bear the happy families nonsense being shoved down your throat for weeks on end

Helpful things about therapy:
Being heard, REALLY heard, and believed and validated
Being gently supported to put myself at the centre of the narrative, instead of being expected to put everyone else first
Being given permission, indeed encouraged, to consider the impact of other people's behaviour on me, and taking that seriously
Being encouraged to focus on what I WANTED to do, rather than what I was expected to do

Don't get me wrong - it was an intensely painful process at times, and the hardest thing I have ever done, but I felt supported by my therapist at every stage. I had psychodynamic psychotherapy - the focus was on getting to understand the impact of my past experiences on how I feel today. Very different to CBT, which is about managing and changing your responses, rather than understanding the root cause of why you feel that way. Best of luck to you x

I've found my tribe! Solidarity to you all!

I hear you. I remember texting my mum a couple of years ago asking her to collect my toddler from nursery as I'd broken my toe that morning and couldn't walk. Her reply was "what time?".