Parents of anxious DC; any bedtime tips for restless DD (and knackered mum)?

[Kalasbyxor]

I feel I've lost the battle over DD (nearly 13)'s bedtime and wonder what parents of ND or anxious DC do that helps (advice from parents of compliant sleepers probably won't work, sadly).

A poor sleeper since birth I've always had to sit next to her until she falls asleep, since she was tiny. She's ND and anxious and restless generally. She's recently rejected company at bedtime in a bid for independence and now insists on trying to go to sleep alone.

But she doesn't.

She gets ready for bed when her Dsis gets ready at 9pm, so is always ready for bed, but can't settle and potters around in her room until really late. When I used to sit with her, she'd eventually settle and drop off around 10.30-11pm, but now I can often hear her moving around well past midnight or even at 1am (I'm a teacher so usually work late). She's usually drawing or making something and seems OK in herself; but will get anxious and restless when I prompt her to settle and go to sleep. Massive school anxiety, so feels like once she goes to sleep, it'll be time for school much sooner.

I keep popping my head in to tell her to actually lie down and turn the lights out, but if I try to suggest I stay to help her regulate and settle she gets very distressed and could be heading for meltdown, which I really don't want to trigger so late at night.

The only thing that seems to help is listening to ASMR, but I don't want her to have her laptop or phone in her room at night.

Any other parents of anxious or ND DC who may have some sage advice?

My DD is the same age. When she feels anxious she takes melatonin to help her get off to sleep. It's not a nightly thing though, just when she feels wound up. I am trying to get her a referral for an ASD assessment as there are a lot of things going on with her.

That might not be the answer you're looking for but it works for her!

She also has a galaxy light in her room which she likes looking at while in bed.

I understand not wanting her to have screens so late - but if listening to things helps could she not listen to audiobooks on CD or have a white noise machine?

My son is a bit younger, but what we try to impress is the action he has control over and the reason. So ‘you must lie in bed and only do very quiet activities after x time, otherwise you wake other people in the house, which is unfair.’ I never put the pressure on ‘you need to sleep, you just have to try to fall asleep.’ This would stress him out because while he has control over lying quietly and not waking others, he can’t control relaxing and falling asleep.

You could try a yoto mini (screen free audio device). They have lots of sleep meditation type cards, or she could choose some audiobooks or make her own content

I saw some promising looking white noise machines on Amazon might be worth a try?
you sound like a great mum to her btw
I just wanted to say that as I spend so much time feeling guilty over my 10 yr old’s (lack of) sleep!

It's probably what you already know but we have focussed on getting them to talk out worries earlier in the evening. If they come home with a worry, make an appointment to talk about it later in the evening, but not too close to bedtime. They choose an "alongside" activity like badminton in summer, or a walk. Discipline of reading in bed last thing - we have modelled this a lot and basically enforced at times. We agree a lights off time (I know this doesn't work for everyone) or they can have 15 mins later if they are reading.

TBH the biggest difference has been a school that meets their emotional needs.

Re the ASMR could you keep the phone and they use a Bluetooth headphone? They'd have the volume control and an off switch but no access to phone. Or Spotify has a sleep timer which you might be able to combine with the phone locking down for the night.

DD16 has ASD/ADHD and has been on 4mg melatonin for 6 years now. Otherwise they would still be awake at 2am. They still listen to Spotify every night, I have the phone set up so everything else is locked down and music is the only available app. They have a sound pillow so they don't have to wear headphones, which they absolutely love.

I'm assuming her phone goes off at a reasonable time? Is she tired and irritable in the mornings? If not she may just need less sleep than others.

Weighted blanket. We just got one and big difference

And audio books and a sleep mask

Same here. Seems to send her into a more relaxed state and sleep soon follows.

Thank you so much for the suggestions! I do think a weighted blanket might be her kind of thing.
Maggie, how do you set it up so everything apart from Spotify closes down? I use Family Link, which shuts everything at once. Your set up sounds good.
Will also look into a sound pillow! Or bluetooth headphone / earpiece -amazing. I've never really had to think of these things much before, as I've just sat in with her and that's been enough.
Audio books have too much 'content' which she'd get stuck into, she's more of a white noise / indiscernible murmurings in the background kind of person.
I'm a bit scared of melatonin but it's on my radar as a possible strategy. Interesting to hear from those of you who use it, thank you for taking the time to share.
Thanks again!

Only down side of weighted blanket is dragging her out in the morning now!

DS1 (ASD) uses a sleep spray. You can buy them or make up very easily using essential oils.

@Kalasbyxor in the family link app, go to App Limits and click on Spotify - then select Always Allow.

Sleep spray! I love it! Thank you, Delurking.
Aha, Maggie, I will check that out in the app, thank you!