5 year old concerning behaviour

[ChocoChocoChip]

Hi, just posting here for traffic. I'm looking to try get some help for my 5 year old son but I'm not really sure where to turn and just wondering if anyone might have any suggestions or been through something similar.

We are having a lot of behavioural issues, which have gradually been getting worse over the last 2 years or so. His main issues are around emotional regulation and angry outbursts which become violent with screaming and shouting and hitting, he is so far gone that he can't control himself. Afterwards he gets upset and says everything is his fault and he's the worst in the world and nobody likes him, which is heartbreaking 💔

When he has these outbursts I do my best to try diffuse the situation first and then talk to him once he's calm about why we don't hit and shout but I don't feel like it gets through necessarily. My husband on the other hand has very little patience and when he gets involved it usually escalates things and makes the tantrums worse, so we end up clashing over how to handle it.

The thing is this behaviour only happens at home. His behaviour is perfect everywhere else, reports from nursery/school have always been great - he mixes really well, perfectly behaved, they have always sung his praises and have had it said multiple times that if only they could all be like him! I know some kids can mask during the day and then release all their pent up frustration when they are in their safe space. Triggers seem to be being asked to do something he doesn't want to do, or a sibling touching his stuff etc, or toys being moved when he has them placed just so. We did have concerns when he was younger about possible ASD, due to inflexibility/being very rigid, obsessive interests in a very narrow range of things, speech delay and separation anxiety. Over time these concerns have mostly resolved.

He did have some early "traumas" for want of a better word and I often wonder to what degree this has effected him. I had to return to work after maternity leave earlier than I would have liked and he really couldn't cope with the separation, the nursery eventually asked that we removed him as he never settled. We then had a childminder who was previously known to us and thought we could trust but it transpired she was bordering on neglecting him with little stimulation so we removed him from there too. A few months later covid hit and I felt the lockdowns were so damaging for his development.

I did seek help from the GP last year due to the issues with emotional regulation and we were also having regression with toileting at the time despite being toilet trained over a year. She referred us to a private psychologist who I didn't find the most helpful. He basically did some screeners for ASD and when that didn't flag up concerns he didn't really want to go much further with us and just gave us some generic advice and said there wasn't much point continuing with sessions. I got the feeling that we didn't fit his "area of interest".

I don't know if there are other things I should be concerned about like ADHD? But then he doesn't fit a lot of the criteria for this - no issues with focusing on work, sitting still etc. I just want to help him, he is such a sweet and loving boy who can be so caring and I hate seeing him so distressed. But I feel like I'm seeing less and less of this side of him and more and more of the anger and violence, it feels like our house is becoming a war zone and it's not fair on his siblings. I want to stop these behaviours before they become entrenched and I worry about when he is older and much stronger.
I don't really know where to turn, would play therapy help? Or a referral to CAMHS? I just feel quite lost with it all and like I have failed him 😔

You mention him going into childcare when he was very young, not settling and then having a neglectful childminder. Do you think he could have some attachment trauma/disorder from this?

Having said that my son has gone through periods of being quite volatile at home, but has always been compliant at school. These ebb and flow but have generally got better as he has got older and we’ve figured out ways to manage his feelings/emotions etc. thought we do get flare ups when he is very tired etc.

CAMHS probably a 2/3 year wait

Have a look at fire in my tummy book - and use the language and work book to start with - it may give him the language to express his feelings better and help him regulate.

When you say he doesn’t want to do something - how do you approach that? Give him a count down - in five minuets we are going to brush our teeth? Or something
else?

I think it’s always worth a chat with the GP if you’re worried. CAMHS is a massive waiting list if you are thinking along the lines of ASD/ADHD, and sometimes they can’t diagnose till later as symptoms don’t present in all settings. But the doctor will be able to look into any physical issues that may be causing this - bloods etc, and signpost you to support services either through school or in the community, if appropriate.
If they feel a referral is warranted they can make it.

Your post is so heartbreaking to read, as I can so clearly hear how upset you are and that you are doing all you can to help your son.

I don’t really have much advice but wanted to stress how important just being a loving parent is and how well you are obviously doing with that. Seems wise to stay open to the possibility of any medical issues, but it sounds as though you have explored that quite a bit.

Also there are a lot of good articles online about how to help separate emotions from behaviour (to help with his self blaming). And also some
good information about hormonal changes which affect boys even when very young.

Have you read the Steve Biddulph book Raising Boys? His work is highly regarded.

I like Laura Markham for parenting tips too:
www.ahaparenting.com

And this seems useful:
www.maggiedent.com/blog/5-tricky-times-in-boyhood-that-every-parent-needs-to-understand/

One thing you do say that might be worth exploring is that you and your husband have different approaches with this. Maybe it is worth focusing on trying to find a shared way to deal with it, so that your son doesn’t follow his dad’s (more short tempered?) behavioral lead, not blame himself for any disagreement between the two of you.

It may be it’s just a phase and there’s little you can do to affect it right now, and maybe he is holding a lot in during the day and letting it out at home. But there’s never any harm in working with his dad to do what you can to support each other in responding consistently and supportively to his feelings.

don’t beat yourself up - you sound like you’re doing your very best and that’s all any of us can do 💐

Oops - that should read “nor blame himself…”

Also (probably way too basic an idea) but does he get a snack on his way home from school? Could it be that when he gets home he is hangry and that makes it harder for him to regulate his behavior?

Thanks I have that book ordered. Generally how I approach it is I try to flag transitions with a bit of notice when I can e.g. bed time is in 10 mins, 5 mins etc. Not always possible depending on the day though. Sometimes he just gets up on the wrong side of the bed and something as little as the cereal pouring out of the box too fast into the bowl is enough to set him off on one. We often feel like we are walking on egg shells at times

Thank you so much for your kind post, I will definitely have a look at those links. I do agree that my husband short temper isn't helping, I am working on trying to get him to see this. Re your suggestion about a snack, I haven't found it to be an issue, happens whether he is fed or not!

I am wondering on reflection whether it may also be anxiety related. He does suffer from night terrors sometimes, usually when he going through a change in some area of his life. He also has all the skin around the nails on his thumbs picked away, I've noticed him doing this when he's trying to keep his anger in 😢I'm just worried as the outbursts have begun to creep into public now, he punched his sister repeatedly when we were out for a walk recently and he hit my husband in the testicles in a shopping centre recently, usually he would never have outbursts in public.

Would a psychologist be the best to talk to (a different one)? Reluctant to go to GP again as her last referral wasn't helpful and it's impossible to get an appointment these days anyway

You could have a look at the book “the explosive child”, and also Oliver James Love Bombing, he talks about the effect on children of going to nursery too early etc.

I meant to add, my dd was very explosive at 4/5, but as a teenager she is very good at regulating her emotions, and a joy to be with. Children do change and adapt, five is still very small. I wonder whether the huge weight you are both putting on his tantrums is filtering through to him, and making him more anxious and explosive ? I am not judging you here, a complete change of tack from me made a big difference with my dd. I told her that I knew she didn’t want to get so angry and feel so overwhelmed, that I would stop telling her off because I knew she was doing her best, that I would not allow her to hit or throw things, if she did I would go into another room, but that I would otherwise just sit quietly and wait for her to feel ready to come and have a cuddle.
I did what I had said and it was transformational. I hadn’t realised just how much my anxiety and hers together had just added fuel to the fire.
I also filmed her (discreetly) and when I watched it back she was so very small, and overwhelmed, it was a light bulb moment for me. The tantrums had seemed so massive and stressful, but there was this tiny, very upset little girl who needed comfort and calm. It made it much easier for me to stay really calm and unbothered after that.

We were in your exact boat three years ago when my son was five. He would have screaming meltdowns where he’d hit and bite himself. Hated change (esp last minute), very precocious read early etc etc. We did six months play therapy which helped to an extent - he’d still have explosions but he stopped hitting himself or scratching his face.

Three years on and next week we have the first appointment to see a specialist in autism in children to see if he fits this (we think so).

Hi I know this is an old thread but was looking for an update on your son now as we are in a similar situation. My 5 year old has angry and aggressive outbursts daily and GP was no help to us

I’m also experiencing this now. My 5 year old daughter keeps hitting and shouting, saying horrible things. She’s always angry. She scratched my hand and lip tonight and pulled my hair. I’m honestly lost. She’s an angel at school. Really need help, it was as if she was possessed tonight.