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Original poster

Cheated on while pregnant- STI worry

54 replies

newbaby23 · 04/01/2023 22:00

Name change (again) as I am so embarrassed.

I am 28 weeks pregnant. My now ex-partner was sleeping with another woman while I was between 12-18 weeks pregnant.

When I found out he admitted the sex with her was unprotected.

I have been to the GUM clinic twice for testing now which has come back clear. They advised me after the initial check to come back every 4-6 weeks just to be sure as some things take longer to show up.

HOWEVER- tonight I am freaking out as something just didn't feel right down there. I've checked with a mirror and can see at least 3 lesions in my vagina on one side. They are quite flat and inflamed looking.

I've immediately thought herpes as I know they don't test for this, but I've googled images Blush and the sores look smaller than mine and with white bits on them.

I'm obviously going to call the GUM clinic first thing tomorrow but I'm freaking out, upset and wondered if anyone had any experience?

OP posts:
ohsuzannah · 06/01/2023 17:47

Send him a photocopy of it. He sounds awful Angry

Mummymidwife33 · 06/01/2023 17:53

I'm so sorry you are going through this. What an absolute bellend.

I'm sure you would be anyway but I just wanted to mention that it's really important you tell your midwife. The guidance has now changed re safest mode of delivery and I believe the recommendation is expectant management and aim for a vaginal birth (if that was your previous plan) if delivery is not within 6 weeks after infection but your own midwife/obstetrician will be able to advise better.

Original poster
newbaby23 · 06/01/2023 18:22

They haven't given me any antivirals, she seemed to think I may be at the beginning of an infection and it may get worse and told me to phone back if I become uncomfortable and they will reassess. Just told me to bathe in salt water.

There's only 3 or 4 sores and I'm not exceptionally uncomfortable with it, hopefully it stays that way and I'll hang on to the chance it's not herpes and something else 😞

I think it's useless speaking to the ex anymore about it, whatever I say or do it will be my fault. He says he's going to get a private test, but no doubt if he has it he will say I gave it to him.

OP posts:

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Original poster
newbaby23 · 06/01/2023 18:23

@Mummymidwife33 thank you. I have an appointment next week so I will let her know for sure that it's a possibility and that I'm waiting for swabs back.

I'm also high risk and consultant led so this is the last thing I need.

OP posts:
WetBandits · 06/01/2023 18:53

newbaby23 · 06/01/2023 18:22

They haven't given me any antivirals, she seemed to think I may be at the beginning of an infection and it may get worse and told me to phone back if I become uncomfortable and they will reassess. Just told me to bathe in salt water.

There's only 3 or 4 sores and I'm not exceptionally uncomfortable with it, hopefully it stays that way and I'll hang on to the chance it's not herpes and something else 😞

I think it's useless speaking to the ex anymore about it, whatever I say or do it will be my fault. He says he's going to get a private test, but no doubt if he has it he will say I gave it to him.

Oh that’s shit! Beginning of the infection is the best time to have antivirals, I’d never leave someone to get worse before I gave them meds, especially if they were pregnant. Sorry it was handled like that Sad

Spacebears · 06/01/2023 19:00

Wow what a waste of space. Sorry you're going through this OP. What a vile man, your better of keeping him away from yourself and baby.

Original poster
newbaby23 · 06/01/2023 19:06

@WetBandits I didn't know this? Do you think I should chase it up?

I seemed to get the impression she couldn't give me anything until it's confirmed and swabs are back?

OP posts:
Worriere · 06/01/2023 19:19

Oh how horrible, sorry OP. How were you tested for both HSV before you got together? Blood tests?

If you're the type that wants to read about it (i am), please stick to the herpes viruses association website. Some excellent impartial information on there.

A huge amount of people either don't get symptoms or get them so mildly they don't realise, so the fact he hasn't had noticeable symptoms is meaningless.

Original poster
newbaby23 · 06/01/2023 19:43

I was @Worriere, I had the blood test privately as part of a full check. There was a couple of months gap between me having this check and meeting him, so his response to this has been "how do I know you didn't catch it then?" and "how do I know you haven't caught it the past couple of months?".

Funnily enough part of his re-writing history has been to tell me that all his checks were clear before meeting me... however I specifically remember when I asked him about STI checks when we met he told me he hadn't had one in a very long time as he hadn't been sleeping with anyone and had been single 2 years.

OP posts:
MargaritMargo · 06/01/2023 19:43

Sorry you’re going through this OP. Fingers crossed tests are clear but if they’re not, it’s not the end of the world. Very common. But I’m sorry he’s done this to you.

You say you’re civil for the baby but given the backstory and the things he’s said, I’d be very wary of putting him on the birth certificate. Rightly or wrongly, do you want his low life gaslighter having parental responsibility for your new born? It can be done at a later date if he shows himself to be reliable and amicable

Worriere · 06/01/2023 19:45

NHS checks don't look for herpes anyway. They only swab if you have sores. Blood tests don't tell you where on your body it is, could be your face, hands, anywhere, so they don't bother. Unless he's gone private like you then he won't have been tested for hsv

Original poster
newbaby23 · 06/01/2023 19:46

@MargaritMargo I decided a while ago that I wont be putting him on the B/C. Haven't told him this explicitly but I will be going to register baby on my own.

He seems to think he will be at the birth but that won't be happening either.

By civil I mean we aren't in a lot of communication but he does ask for updates after appointments, asks how baby and I are, send him scan pics etc just to keep things amicable if I can. Im surprised he cares tbh, probably just trying not to be the bad guy.

I know a lot of people have it, I suppose just facing this when pregnant, alone and betrayed it does feel like the end of the world rn.

OP posts:
Original poster
newbaby23 · 06/01/2023 19:48

@Worriere if he does indeed have one privately, I imagine whatever the result he will tell me that it was negative and that I must have got it somewhere else/cheated etc.

I doubt he'll be showing me any paperwork...

OP posts:
Worriere · 06/01/2023 19:51

I caught it from a casual relationship after leaving my husband. It certainly felt like the end of the world for me. I can't imagine how you must feel. I'm three years down the line and it has had absolute minimum impact on my life. Had only 2 outbreaks since my first one and am with a lovely new partner for the last 18 months.

It probably doesn't feel like it right now, but it'll all be okay 💕

Original poster
newbaby23 · 06/01/2023 20:33

@Worriere that must have been such a shock 😞

I'm glad things have worked out okay for you now.

OP posts:
WetBandits · 06/01/2023 22:49

newbaby23 · 06/01/2023 19:06

@WetBandits I didn't know this? Do you think I should chase it up?

I seemed to get the impression she couldn't give me anything until it's confirmed and swabs are back?

I would!

I don’t know how other services are run but the sexual health service I work for will treat if we suspect HSV based on visual diagnosis without waiting for swab results as we know how bloody painful it can be! And it won’t do any harm to have antivirals if the swab turns out to be negative; aciclovir is a very safe drug.

PenelopeTitsDrop3121 · 07/01/2023 05:14

newbaby23 · 06/01/2023 16:57

Yes we split up when I found out.

His message is to the effect of- well I haven't had symptoms so you must have got it off someone else, I'm not even certain the baby is mine etc.

Such a lowlife.

He's projecting. He knows. I bet he has symptoms too. So sorry you're going through this :(

Original poster
newbaby23 · 07/01/2023 09:21

@PenelopeTitsDrop3121 worst thing is I can recall one of the last times we had sex he was complaining that he was a "bit sore". I remember his penis/foreskin feeling very, very dry (sorry if that's tmi). But I definitely didn't see any sores, maybe just redness!

A few days later he said he thought he had thrush and he must have got it from me. I rarely get thrush, only a few times my whole life and I didn't have any symptoms of thrush. But I remember him being quite defensive and insistent that he'd got thrush from me. He's had thrush on and off throughout the whole relationship so it's not unusual for him, always says he must get it from me when I have no symptoms... and then would backtrack and blame soaps etc.

But I was reading a similar, older thread on here where a woman has been diagnosed as having herpes after being with her new partner a few months (she wasn't pregnant though). The man in that thread had also complained of a dry, sore penis and then said he had thrush, accused her of giving it him. When she was diagnosed with herpes he denied all knowledge and said she must have got it from elsewhere.

Just makes me wonder if his "soreness" and "thrush" symptoms was actually herpes :(

OP posts:
Worriere · 07/01/2023 15:23

I'd say so, definitely. I spent the first few days of my first outbreak thinking i had thrush. Just intense itching but no sores.

It's obviously possible but not particularly likely for a man to catch it while wearing a condom, was he having unprotected sex with someone else while you were pregnant? What a scumbag.

I actually caught it receiving oral sex from a man who was getting a coldsore and hadn't realised. So there is that too.

Either way, he is a scumbag, you and your baby will be fine and will be better off with him out of the picture.

Original poster
newbaby23 · 07/01/2023 16:39

Yes @Worriere, he told me it was unprotected :(

OP posts:
EmmaC78 · 12/01/2023 22:51

How are you doing OP? Hope you are feeling better.

Original poster
newbaby23 · 16/01/2023 19:05

Still waiting to hear back from the swabs to confirm, it feels like a lifetime.

I still have the sores which don't seem to have got any worse or any better.

Hopefully I will hear this week fingers crossed.

OP posts:
Worriere · 16/01/2023 19:07

newbaby23 · 16/01/2023 19:05

Still waiting to hear back from the swabs to confirm, it feels like a lifetime.

I still have the sores which don't seem to have got any worse or any better.

Hopefully I will hear this week fingers crossed.

Ten days no worse no better? Doesn't sound very herpes-y.

Original poster
newbaby23 · 16/01/2023 19:10

Maybe a bit less inflamed @Worriere but definitely still there.

I did think this myself from googling out breaks usually clear up in 2 weeks?

Not sure what else it could be though but I'll hold out some hope.

OP posts:
Worriere · 16/01/2023 19:12

You won't know til you get swabs back but my first outbreak was horrific, i was on co-codamol. But was gone within ten days.