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Original poster

Really upset by something that happened with asd DD this week

24 replies

Rolypops · 04/01/2023 21:58

DD is 8YO and being assessed for autism, she has sensory issues as well as extreme outbursts with certain triggers. Earlier this week she needed a fairly minor diagnostic test done for a worrying symptom she was describing. Despite trying to prepare her and her being completely ok beforehand she completely flipped when it was time to do the procedure to the point of screaming crying, thrashing around.
The test was important and the Dr basically showed me to hold her arms a certain way to allow it to be done. I effectively restrained her while she had a treatment done against her will. I don't know why I was so complicit in what the Dr said to do because it felt really wrong to do it and because she is so strong I had to hold her quite tightly. I keep going over it in my head and don't know why I didn't just refuse.
DD was immediately fine after and I discussed it with her and gave her lots of cuddles and kisses but I honestly feel sick to my stomach and can't stop thinking about it. She literally begged me not to make her do it and I'm completely disgusted with myself. Posting here because this is all new to me and I feel like I've absolutely messed up and that she won't ever trust me again.

OP posts:

Boringcookingquestion · 04/01/2023 22:08

I think you made the best decision you could given the circumstances. You didn’t hide that the procedure was going to take place, you explained why it needed to happen, and you got your 8 year old child the medical attention they needed in the only way that you could.

What was the alternative? Letting their worrying symptom continue without investigation? Your her mum and she is a child, your job is to facilitate her accessing medical care whilst respecting her autonomy as much as reasonably possible. You did this.

Chat to her about why you restrained her but please don’t beat yourself up

Got2besoon · 04/01/2023 22:10

I'm honestly not sure why you're being so hard on yourself?

It was a medical procedure, it's not like you made her pierce her ears!

My son's had countless blood tests and other tests done against his will and he usually has to be restrained (he's only 3). Needs must.

He gets lots of reassurance and we talk about it before and after. He also gets a treat.

I don't feel guilty but it is a horrible thing to have to do.

Jobsharenightmare · 04/01/2023 22:11

Assuming you asked the doctor first are there any alternatives, does this have to be done right now etc then don't feel guilty because you did what was essential! It is so hard to find balance in these situations.

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Original poster

Rolypops · 04/01/2023 22:14

I did ask about alternatives and was told there wasn't any in order to know what was going on, other than be sent to a different clinic that would have to do the same thing.

I think it's just that I didn't expect her to be as distressed as she was ( I don't think she did either) and it's been a long time since she's needed anything like this. You expect to have to hold toddlers for vaccinations etc but she's eight now and was so visibly and audibly upset by the situation.

OP posts:

Balloonsandroses · 04/01/2023 22:14

I’ve restrained my DD 10 a lot for cannulas / blood tests - probably 50 times or more. over the last 3 years. She’s needle phobic and although we are continuing to try with play therapy and psychology input she just isn’t able to
keep herself still even though she understands what’s happening and why and accepts it needs to happen. After a lot of discussion she’s able to see us restraining her as helping her in the way she needs it at that moment - and that’s what you did. So be kind to yourself.

On the other hand - I know it feels absolutely horrible to do no matter how much you think it’s the right thing. It sucks. But it’s not your fault or your DDs.

FreezyWater · 04/01/2023 22:15

OP it's a horrible thing to do but necessary to get them the medical assistance she may need. You're her parent who has to make hard decisions sometimes for the best. Try not to be so hard on yourself x

Whowhatwherewhenwhynow · 04/01/2023 22:15

It’s done now. However if you truly think you didn’t make the right choice you could always tell you daughter this, that in reflection you shouldn’t have restrained her.

Was there any alternative though? If it was something she needed and needed quickly I’m not sure what else you could have done. Obviously if it wasn’t so urgent and time for an alternative approach would have been available I can see how you fee regretful. Either way it’s done so I’d try to to beat yourself up too much. She had a health need and you did what you thought was best at the time

vinoandbrie · 04/01/2023 22:16

You needed to do what you needed to do. It was momentary, and can you imagine the stress for her of almost having it done (crying, upset as she was), you walking out with her saying no we won’t do this, and then having to come back on another day to try again would have been far worse.

You did the right thing. It’s in the past now, you’ve had a good chat with her about it, she (and you!) can move on and leave it in the past. You did the right thing in stressful circumstances.

Original poster

Rolypops · 04/01/2023 22:16

@Got2besoon my DM said the same about ear piercing, and this test was arguably more minor than that. I live in fear of her needing a blood test now. She got very sick when she was 4 and I'm wondering if there is some residual trauma there from all the tests and anxiety she probably picked up on.

OP posts:

Original poster

Rolypops · 04/01/2023 22:20

Thanks all for being so nice. I've been in bits all night about it.

OP posts:

FreezyWater · 04/01/2023 22:26

I actually applaud the doctor that was able to teach you how to restrain her effectivelyand safely so they could carry out the test.
Most health staff I have experienced with my son (similar difficulties and tests are a NIGHTMARE) are never able to help me with this. I guess it's not part of the general training.

APoppyLicks · 04/01/2023 22:28

I had a lot of medical tests and treatments as a child, my DM had to hold me down for the majority of them, at home or in the hospital/doctors. I have never had a negative thought about my DM for doing this. I hated the needle or treatment, not her. I knew it was hard on her even back then. Don't be hard on yourself for doing what's best for your child.

I've had it myself with my DC, my eldest has been in hospital a few times, he's also autistic, and it's horrid to have to do it to them but the alternative is not an option. You have to channel your inner HotFuzz. For the greater good 😅

icanwearwhatiwant · 04/01/2023 22:43

Poor you, that does sound distressing.
The thing is though that she needed the test as she isn't well. So if you had refused to hold her then you would have been re referred possibly to a different clinic, the symptoms would continue untreated. You would have been stressed out and worrying about the up coming test, she would have got more and more scared and the end result would be that unless the symptoms magically cleared up, you'd have ended up holding her anyway. This way you got it over and done with and the doctor does seem knowledgable which they aren't all. You made a difficult but justified decision for your dd so please stop berating yourself.

MiddleOfTheNightAgain · 04/01/2023 22:47

You’ve done absolutely the right thing and frankly if you had quaked and refused, you would have been doing the wrong thing. If you’d not done it, your DD would have had it confirmed that all medical investigations are too terrible to be borne and mummy agrees; plus boundaries are permeable and not containing.

MiddleOfTheNightAgain · 04/01/2023 22:48

And, of course, she wouldn’t have had the medical care required.

You did a hard thing and you made the right call.

NannyGythaOgg · 04/01/2023 23:03

Restraining a child needing medical care or procedure is absolutely normal.

If she had managed to get hold of and swallow tablets for example, restraining is absolutely the only option, whilst forcibly doing a stomach washout.

Restraining for inoculations and definitely if a lumbar puncture is required again is the only option (other than a potentially worse result). Yes, in normal circumstances kids should have bodily autonomy but sometime adults/medical people absolutely do know what's best.

Sometime even adults have to be restrained to allow dislocation reductions or blood tests. It happens, not ideal but better than the alternative.

NannyGythaOgg · 04/01/2023 23:11

Also - on the trust issue. You talked with her about how important this was and explained it to her. If you had backed down in the face of her resistance she 'may' have learned to NOT trust you. You said it was important and didn't follow through. That can be scary to a child, to learn that kicking off works - that makes them not only scared (as they were) but responsible (because it didn't then happn)

Gilead · 05/01/2023 02:13

It’s hard isn’t it, but you have done the right thing. I am still restraining (with her permission) my 26 year old!

TwoShades1 · 05/01/2023 03:56

Assuming it’s a necessary medical procedure there isn’t much you can really. It’s very different to restraining her for something like ear piercing or to make her wear certain clothes. If it’s something that’s likely to need to happen again it might be worth talking to a doctor or getting some counselling to help you process it better and reframe the experience.

Whotsit · 05/01/2023 04:07

I was instructed to do the same for important blood tests. It felt awful and I cried whilst doing it but absolutely had no choice but to put her health first.

Homedeco · 05/01/2023 04:31

I think you’re doing yourself a disservice by comparing this to ear piercings

Blood tests aren’t pleasant but kids may need them from time to time; it’s a greater good scenario. The GP wouldn’t be authorising pointless tests, there was a clinical need

HoppingPavlova · 05/01/2023 05:36

I don’t understand? She either needed the medical procedure or she didn’t. If she did then she needed to be restrained to achieve it and that’s what was done. If she didn’t need it then you could have just shrugged and not bothered. That’s all there is to it.

I’ve been on the other side of this with arsehole parents demanding everyone ‘get permission’ from kids who need medical attention (and I’m even talking about pre-verbal age here). Seemingly everyone has time to wait around twiddling thumbs until little Johnny/Mary has had a nap and woken refreshed and has time for a rethink. Never mind that they will likely have clinically deteriorated by then. They also don’t understand that something that will take 90sec if properly restrained is better for the child than them having 2hrs of hysterics only to end up in the same position.

hattie43 · 05/01/2023 06:06

What alternative was there ?
The doctor can't be injured
Your daughter can't be injured
The procedure needed to be done .

Original poster

Rolypops · 05/01/2023 11:30

Yes I know it needed to be done, I just got myself into a state about it last night and kept replaying it in my mind. DD has had sensory issues for a long time, but due to anxiety surrounding school and a few other things we have definitely seen a regression and it is likely she will be diagnosed with autism in the next few months, so I suppose I am trying to come to terms with what that means for her, and I am constantly questioning whether I am doing the right thing for her/parenting her correctly. Especially when it comes to things like this as well as discipline etc. It's just hard and a learning curve, but thank you all for being so lovely.

OP posts:

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