DD 20 Missing out on life?

[Sworntofun]

Perhaps I should post this In AIBU. Just after some advice really. DD, 20 is in second year at uni 4 hrs away. Struggled in halls in Y1 but likes her art based degree. Living in a flat now with 2 other girls, one of whom she knew from high school. She is very busy with her course, lots of in college time and likes the city and people on her course. So far so good.
But I’m worried about her as she’s so anti social. Prefers to be alone and almost never goes out. Didn’t attend any Freshers events last year and has few friends. Hasn’t joined any clubs etc to meet people. Perhaps One or two tentative friendships at uni. Has never had a boyfriend/ girlfriend ( I don’t care which!) and has never worked. This Christmas holiday she has just stayed in her room watching You tube videos and reading and sleeps until late morning unless specifically got up - which is odd at 20 I think. She seems quite happy but seems to be drifting through life without any great desire to go out and grab life. She can drive but when I offer her my car she says she doesn’t know where to go!
I wonder if there’s any one with a similar experience with their DD or DS. All her local friends have moved on really with jobs, new friends and partners etc. My DD wants to spend lots of time with me and her dad- lovely but not normal at 20 surely?

My DD aged 17 is a bit like this. If she's happy then it's fine. You could ask her tentatively if it's something she wants to change ? Some people are just quiet and antisocial.

Ds20 is the same. Doesn't care to be around lots of other people, and I'm the same. He's happy as he is.

Yes our daughter will be 20 soon and is exactly like this. She lives at home though. She is very clever and is studying vet medicine. She loves her course but is happier to come home and be with family.
She has a horse and that takes up a huge part of her life . Also has a job at a vet hospital.
Does very little socially but that's up to her . She does have friends from school and seems to in college but not much interest in spending time with them.
Gets on really well with her 4 brothers and holidays with us all the time.
The world is made up of different types of people and I am happy she is so self contained and content .

I think maybe she is just someone who prefer/needs time alone or gets on with people better 121 rather than in big groups/at pubs. Nothing wrong with that.

However the staying at home watching YouTube and not working does sound a bit insular. Not a realistic way to lead life either. Has she never had any job? That’s quite unusual at 20 isn’t it? Lots of basic life skills are learnt at first jobs.

There is a western notion that you need to go to uni, go out out, have lots of dates, travel, have lots of friends etc. I think it can place a lot of pressure on young people. Promote her wellbeing, if she is happy, healthy and eating well, not depressed etc, then surely this is more important. She enjoys her course, has interests and a couple of close relationships with friends. She is also able to live independently with others. I would be very proud of her

Are you maybe projecting a bit? You feel she's missing out, but on your life so to speak. You would have/did enjoy a more outgoing social life at 20 and enjoyed it so you can't see how she can be happy doing it differently?
after such a long lockdown and all that entailed, I think people have different ideas now, the going out in a large group drinking/dancing/going to events just isn't on the radar as much any more.

She's not missing out on life, she's living her life her way. If she's happy, be grateful.

Stop saying she’s missing out on life!
Some people are introverted, and don’t feel the need to be out loads. She’s studying, she’s taking a course she enjoys, she has some friends. That’s hardly ‘missing out’!

Thanks for all your responses. Yes I realise some people are like this and yes it’s fine … up to a point.

But the not working is concerning me.
@Whowhatwherewhenwhynow no she’s not really ever worked. At 16 she had a job in a shop for about 4/5 weekends but one day a woman came in to complain about something and had a go at her. She ended up having a panic attack and I had to fetch her home. She refused to go back after that, and now there’s been every excuse to not get a job ( wrong hours, too tiring, I can’t do it etc ) I think she is genuinely frightened of life and growing up and though she is living independently- a massive step forward for her- I think this year it will be super important for her to get some work. You are right, new skills and confidence could come from this. Where to start though.

My dd aged 19 is exactly the same. Second year uni student. She shares a house with 5 others and seems to get on well with them but seems to spend a lot of time just watching Netflix and sleeping till 2/3pm! I keep worrying she’s got some autoimmune issues or something like me (I have lots!) but no tests have shown anything up so now I just leave her to it. She seems happy enough. She’s been home since before Christmas and she hasn’t been out once except for new years with a couple of childhood friends but seems happy with that so I guess if she’s happy that’s fine! She has been doing a lot of coursework on her laptop next to me on the sofa. She hardly ever leaves the house. I’d be bored to death but I guess we are all different!

@Xrays thanks for replying. Nice to know there’s more of them! My DD has a couple of childhood friends too, the only time she’s been out over Xmas. Interesting you mention auto immune issues as DD always tired ( takes Vit D and has a light box) and was once under the consultant at the hospital for something related to auto immune stuff. Maybe I’ll look into this. Thanks

Exactly.

You write that she seems happy. Well that’s everything!! That’s the most important thing in life. Going out to clubs, having a big group of friends, partying all weekend, etc, is fine if it makes you happy. But some people are introverts, and those things do not make them happy at all.