Am I not supposed to be happy? Sad and/scared all the time

[MindF]

Hello,

I was actually going to be more specific, but then I realised it's not one thing. I know it's me, not the world.

I've been thinking a lot recently how incredibly sad I am that I won't have any more dc. It's agony actually. I'm worrying about everything, pretty much constantly. I worry so much about my health (always jumping to worse case scenario) and my families health. I'm constantly expecting one of my parents to become seriously ill (early and mid 70's) I worry constantly about my dd. That's the main one. It's exhausting.

I cry so much. It's always just below or right at the surface. I went to bed last night and it was like I just allowed the flood gates to open and I couldn't stop. Dp was so confused that I couldn't say what the problem was. I didn't know. It was everything.

I can't remember the last time I felt truly happy. I have happy times, but they're very short lived. I never feel at peace or contented. I often feel stupid, inferior, out of place and kind of left behind. I don't feel I have achieved anything. My depression and severe anxiety has stopped me taking any risks, so I just stay stuck.

I honestly don't know what to do anymore.

Just reading this back before posting and I can't believe I'm still at this point in my late 30's.

I don't know what I'm expecting from this. I almost feel beyond help, but thank you for reading.

Are you on medication for your depression? It really helps me.

Have you had any therapy OP? That sounds like a helpful place to start talking about what's going on. Try to reign in the self judgement if you can, our mental health can suffer at any age, we aren't all happy all the time, it is human to feel suffering and sadness, but please reach out for support as I feel like you need someone to try and walk through this with you.

Have you spoken to your GP? They will be able to recommend the right treatment for you. Some people (like me) find that medication really helps, whilst others benefit from CBT or talking therapy.

You really don't have to feel like this I promise. Hugs for you.

You need to seek help from your GP.

Sitting there saying you think you’re “beyond help” when you haven’t even tried is silly.

You will need to put in a lot of work to get better. There is no instant fix and it has to come from you. You can become mentally well again but you will have to action it yourself and not expect anyone else (GPs, therapists etc) to do it for you.

I should have made this clear in my OP, but I have have had therapy, several times. Psychotherapy in my teens and CBT 3 times over the past decade. With CBT, I felt under pressure to say that I was improving. Those forms that you fill in (on a scale of 1-10....) I found incredibly unhelpful, but the actual CBT itself - yes, I found certain techniques somewhat helpful and I would try really hard, but I was constantly being reminded how many sessions we had left. I felt on a countdown.

I've had very bad experiences with ADs, but I don't think I would completely discount them at this stage.

Also, I know if I were to go to my GP, the waiting list for therapy is insanely long. It was before covid. I think I waited 18 months last time. Goodness knows how long it is now!

Thank you for the replies so far.

To be blunt, it sounds like you're putting obstacles in the way before you've tried anything.

If you want to make a change, it needs to start with you - go to your GP and say exactly what you've said here. Then take it from there. The first step is always a step in the right direction. Good luck x

Antidepressants are really quite grim at the beginning but if you stick with them they really do help

I think you need to go on antidepressants. I understand that if you have had bad experiences in the past that may be putting you off, but there is lots of clinical evidence that antidepressants can help people in your position. Surely living like this is miserable and it is worth trying medication to see if it helps, you can ask for a different one to what you have tried in the past. A course of Sertraline really help me , I was on it for about a year aroumd 5 years ago and then went off it and haven’t needed it again since so they don’t have to be forever.

Hello

Are you in a position to pay for therapy? I was similar to you for years and tried ADs and CBT/psychotherapy but nothing was working.
I then very slowly changed my life. I'm not sure whether it was anything specific or a combination of things.

These included listening to audible books about lots of different self help type books. Subscribing to some emails. Working a lot on my worth/believing I was worthy/learned to understand me... lots of other stuff too

All the more reason to go to your GP sooner rather than later, then.

NHS therapists can and do extend number of sessions when it’s clear the patient is putting the work and effort in and getting somewhere. They will not add additional sessions when there would be little point doing so.

There’s lots of excuses here, to be quite frank, and most patients will tell you they are trying hard or have tried hard in the past when, however much they may believe it, it simply isn’t true.

Hi OP, if trauma is possibly part of the cause, look at EMDR therapy - sounds like voodoo, but solid evidence says it works.

Go and see your GP and be prepared to try drugs as this is biological - there is no magical cloud of emotions and thoughts that somehow exists separately from your body. Therefore drugs may well help.

For free - do some exercise - get up some time today and walk around the block for half an hour. People are made to move.

I know plenty of people who were in your situation, very close family some of them, and none of them stayed that way, so my gut feel is your situation can and will change for the better too.

Yes EMDR. Also a really good book on trauma is CPTSD by Peter Walker