Stressing about having children

[Ea134]

Me and DP have had a huge argument this evening. I’m lying in the spare room
now unable to sleep. We both have jobs that have the potential to be stressful but are lucky that we have found workplaces that are giving us good work life balances (education related jobs.) All he’s talked about for the past 2 years is having a baby and we agreed to start trying in the summer. He’s announced he wants to get a new job in the summer as “wants a change.” I’m all for him getting a new job in the future but have got myself all worked up that this is poor timing. I know things don’t always go smoothly in the baby making plan so want us to have it as stress free as possible! Worried him getting a new job could lead to him being stressed out whilst pregnant/new born.

I’ve now got myself into a big emotional mess panicking that I don’t actually want kids at all. I’m terrified of the whole thing: my body changing, all the uncertainty thst comes with pregnancy, having to give up my career for a year (struggle hugely with lack of routine) but most of all I’m worried about how our life will change and that he will be moving on with a new career and I’ll be home with a baby. I know I’m catastrophising but just felt so emotional about it all!

How old are you both OP?

Early 30s!

There’s absolutely no reason at all why him moving jobs is bad! Your issues about wether you want to TTC at all need a lot more discussion though as it sounds like you don’t want a baby.

I honestly couldn’t support him more in getting a new job but I know the job he has at the moment is really supportive and some other workplaces around here aren’t as supportive so just would rather him do it in a couple of years!

You don’t have to have a year off if you don’t want to. What’s your child care plan? Would either of you be going part time?

Hopefully parents a couple of days per week and childminder the other days. I don’t think I want to go part time as I love my job! He won’t go part time either. Think I’m struggling with the idea of giving up a lot and things changing. All Christmas I’ve been broody over babies though; I don’t understand it!

Don't ttc until he has a new job. This is very weird - what is he trying to tell you??

Don't ttc without him being in a secure job.

You don’t have to have a year off. I took 12 weeks with each of mine. I hated maternity leave.

Aw OP I think that’s probably normal and just shows you’re thinking through the enormity of what becoming parents can be. What do you most look forward to about becoming a parent?

I’ve said there will 100% be no TTC unless he has a permanent job. That’s something I’m dead set on. He’s been in his current job for 12 years so I do completely understand him wanting a change but I just think a baby is quite a big one 😂 feeling more reassured about not having to take a whole year off though.

I honestly look at other families and think I really want one! I feel so much expectation from him and society to have one right now. I feel like I want one eventually but the idea of actually doing it terrifies me!

Break these anxieties down OP.

1. you can, and probably should, have routine with a baby. It makes life so much easier from day 1.
2. you absolutely do not have to take a year off work
3. a new job is not necessarily a bad thing. Can you trust your husband to make a sensible decision and to deal with work stresses well?
4. your body will obviously change whilst pregnant, and there may be some changes after, but it doesn’t have to change your whole shape forever. I am pregnant with my 4th and, prior, was the same clothes size I was before getting pregnant with DC1 and in similar shape, albeit with slightly wider hips. You prioritise what is important to you. I have always made time for exercise and I enjoy eating healthy food and feeling good and not sluggish.

You're overthinking it, OP. Getting a new job after 12 years with one company is completely normal, we all get sick of the same old place after a while. It won't necessarily be a disaster.

Re. Having a family. Without worrying about logistics or what your DH wants, ask yourself the basic question "Do I want a child, yes or no?" If the answer's yes, have one; if it's not, you need to discuss this with your DH.

For me, my answer was always yes to having a child, so we had a family and have made it work.

Breaking them down definitely does help. I think I just have a huge fear that he’ll get a new job and it will be more exciting than me/maybe us and we will be forgotten. He has never given me any reason to doubt him before.

I think I assumed everyone took a year off as that’s what everyone in my work seems to do. Not doing that would definitely help I think as I really love my job!

Honestly, I think you’re working yourself up for no reason. Having a baby is a big change, but like everything in life you work around it. There’s no reason he can’t start a new job in the summer when you start trying. There’ll be 9 months to settle in. I think some people who wait until their 30s to have kids get really worked up about things being absolutely perfect before the arrival, because they’ve built a decent life for themselves already (not saying the alternative is a better option). It doesn’t have to be the absolute perfect stable situation. Life doesn’t stand still in harmony and stability after you have kids, you can still be flexible and make changes- it’s inevitable. Please, if you want kids then go for it and try not to make it into something that’s going to cause you major anxiety, when it doesn’t need to be.

Ohhh I’m definitely getting myself in a tizz for no reason! Just needed someone to give me some objective opinions 🙈 think there’s a lot of anxiety here but not all of it is strictly linked to each problem. Thank you for all your opinions so far ❤️ and for nobody shouting for being a drama 👸

You want a baby but you want them and you to have a soft landing. You're being responsible.