Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

How to help dd with her son

21 replies

Helpingherhelphim · 02/01/2023 03:18

My grandson is 5. Lives with his mum. Basically he hits,kicks, bites , screams shouts. Throws things. He does things like he will be in his bed . And he will scream and scream for his tablet and he's left lt at the bottom of his bed. When they try and go out of the house that also causes a melt down which also lead to the same as I mentioned above. He gets over whelmed when they are out for to long and finds it hard to cope. He found Xmas hard to cope with as well. He said he hated everything. He wakes at least 3/4 times a night and he has 2 nappys at night.

Hes often at my house sometimes to come and play. And sometimes to sleep over. When he's here on his own (without) mum he's fantastic he does still let rip with melt downs. But they are much shorter, we talk about how he feels. It does not normally make any sense. But I just let him be heard. And acknowledge him. Other tomes obhave to be a bit stern. When he sleeps over he has no nappy on. Does not get up in the night and sleeps right through. And its the 1st proper night sleep dd has had.

My daughter stayed over Xmas for 2 nights. Grandson done his same routine no nappys sleep through the night. There was a handful of melt downs . But we made sure he has his own quite plave he could go to which he did. I expected it to be hard because of it being Xmas.

My daughter often contacts me ranting about how he. As explained in my first paragraph. So she says she don't know what to do. I give her some advice. She follows it . It worked. She then rings me the next day with exactly the same problem. And has mlr even tried the sane advice I gave her the day before. When she says she's doing something that day . And I know it will trigger grandson. I remind her that it will happen and she needs to prepare mentally for it and think how she will manage. She does not she just rants at me and does nothing.

I have tried showing her videos from the Internet. I have sent her screen shots and links .

She often snaps at him which often leads to him exploding and b4 you know it there's a madness between them. I have tried to advice her to try the tired down approach first but she never listens. There have been times I have told her to leave my house because of how she talks .

I love them both to bits I want them to have a loving relationship with each other as mum and son

Sorry if I have not explained well. I can expand if needed .

OP posts:
Hawkins001 · 02/01/2023 03:28

All the best op,

SugarplumFairyyy · 02/01/2023 03:29

I think the fact that what you are doing works, and what your daughter is doing doesn't, it is worth looking into what he is reacting to with mum and how your daughter is coping.

Perhaps the snapping sends him off but I also wonder if he is looking for more attention. Parents who are usually stressed and overwhelmed don't realise they are unable to engage fully with their little ones. The kids will try whatever they can to get any attention and if the negative stuff like kicking and biting gets the attention, it's better than none.

I'm assuming some things here, so please correct me if I'm wrong.

Obviously it's a delicate situation but the fact that you are getting different results does tell me that there is a dynamic at home that might need shifting and your daughter may need some support. It might empower her ultimately to know that if she is able to make adjustments to her parenting, this could have positive effects with her little one. Obviously it would be necessary not to blame her, so sensitivity will be required when discussing it. X

greenspaces4peace · 02/01/2023 03:43

likewise he might be trying really really super hard at yours and knowing he is in a safe place with his mom let his feelings out.
i know the wait list is long but a psych assessment would probably be helpful long term.
it's encouraging to hear that at times he can find the coping skills to hold his emotions together. but it's unlikely to be fully thanks to your approach.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

LunaMay · 02/01/2023 04:07

One thing I've learned working as a support worker for the last 9 years is that someone will have different behaviours depending where they are. For example some that attend day programs show no aggression or behavioural issues and yet at home they are total opposite and it's like talking about a different person

Helpingherhelphim · 02/01/2023 04:17

SugarplumFairyyy · 02/01/2023 03:29

I think the fact that what you are doing works, and what your daughter is doing doesn't, it is worth looking into what he is reacting to with mum and how your daughter is coping.

Perhaps the snapping sends him off but I also wonder if he is looking for more attention. Parents who are usually stressed and overwhelmed don't realise they are unable to engage fully with their little ones. The kids will try whatever they can to get any attention and if the negative stuff like kicking and biting gets the attention, it's better than none.

I'm assuming some things here, so please correct me if I'm wrong.

Obviously it's a delicate situation but the fact that you are getting different results does tell me that there is a dynamic at home that might need shifting and your daughter may need some support. It might empower her ultimately to know that if she is able to make adjustments to her parenting, this could have positive effects with her little one. Obviously it would be necessary not to blame her, so sensitivity will be required when discussing it. X

I wrote lots and deleted it .. lost track 😅

I just think if she could change her tone . Not take what he says personally and to understand that he's not fully responsible handing his emotions.

We do think there is possible autism some of the things are almost text book . Like difficulties with change . Become over whelmed. I have shown her videos things from Internet. She looks up things herself and sometimes comes to me with things she thinks matches him. Then she does nothing just carry s on. Trys nothing that may help.

OP posts:
Helpingherhelphim · 02/01/2023 04:26

LunaMay · 02/01/2023 04:07

One thing I've learned working as a support worker for the last 9 years is that someone will have different behaviours depending where they are. For example some that attend day programs show no aggression or behavioural issues and yet at home they are total opposite and it's like talking about a different person

I'm half on the fence with this one . I totally get what you mean I have heard about it several times . I willy never truly 100% know the answer as he's never going to tell us or get it himself.

I know he 100% feels safe in my home . He's been here loads since birth and has alot of time with us. He throws tantrums will try abd fight with his uncles they are 6 and 7. So young to.

It does change when my daughter is here with him though . Only blunt way I can explain it. Is like having 2 teenagers bicker.

OP posts:
SugarplumFairyyy · 02/01/2023 04:30

Helpingherhelphim · 02/01/2023 04:17

I wrote lots and deleted it .. lost track 😅

I just think if she could change her tone . Not take what he says personally and to understand that he's not fully responsible handing his emotions.

We do think there is possible autism some of the things are almost text book . Like difficulties with change . Become over whelmed. I have shown her videos things from Internet. She looks up things herself and sometimes comes to me with things she thinks matches him. Then she does nothing just carry s on. Trys nothing that may help.

Yes I think maybe patience with him and understanding will go a long way. I can see that if she's living with it 24/7, it's hard to always remain level headed.

It may take some time for her to realise what needs to be done to change etc.

Autism does sound like a possibility. Is your daughter thinking along the same lines? Perhaps getting him seen professionally may help your daughter understand him and know what she can do to help him if he does have needs.

Having said that, your daughter may not want to rush into all of this and might find it overwhelming and that's normal too. It doesn't mean she won't ultimately get him seen but it might need to be in her own time.

I think you are doing a great job supporting the both of them. Thats all you can do as a parent. You can advise your daughter and support them and I'm sure your daughter will make the right decisions- it might just take time and gentle coaxing x

JenniferBarkley · 02/01/2023 04:32

I'm no expert at all, but I do wonder if he could be masking at your house just as some DC with autism mask at school.

Your poor DD, it all sounds very difficult for her. I know you don't think she's handling it well but I don't know that I would either tbh, it's understandable that she's stressed and running out of patience. Especially since it sounds like she doesn't have a partner.

RoseslnTheHospital · 02/01/2023 04:32

It seems like you're saying that you do a very much better job of parenting him than your daughter does, and that he'd be better of with you than her.

Maybe stop focussing on criticising your daughter and consider what you can do to actually help her increase her confidence and capacity to cope with her sons needs. She probably knows that you think she's useless.

leccybill · 02/01/2023 05:08

How is he at school?
Is his dad on the scene?

Helpingherhelphim · 02/01/2023 08:03

RoseslnTheHospital · 02/01/2023 04:32

It seems like you're saying that you do a very much better job of parenting him than your daughter does, and that he'd be better of with you than her.

Maybe stop focussing on criticising your daughter and consider what you can do to actually help her increase her confidence and capacity to cope with her sons needs. She probably knows that you think she's useless.

I had to describe the situation and the differences. Nothing to do with me being better ffs.

I knew there would be posts like this but yet you give no advice

OP posts:
wildseas · 02/01/2023 08:21

This sounds like masking to me too, which would add to the suspicion that he might be autistic.

masking isn’t a sign that he’s not comfortable with you - it’s a sign that he can recognise that he isn’t at home with mum and that required behaviour is different from his normal. Many autistic children also mask in school, nursery, with friends or childminders.

The problem with masking is that it’s exhausting which would fit with the sleeping through / dry at night too.

My suggestion if you want to support his mum is that you encourage her to get a professional opinion on potential autism.

I would also support her to find some resources for parents of autistic children. Even if he isn’t ultimately diagnosed it sounds like this style of parenting would be helpful for him.

frylite · 02/01/2023 08:38

It does sound like he might be masking. How is he at school?

hiredandsqueak · 02/01/2023 09:09

Dgs can be a monkey for his dm (my dd) but is an angel when he is here. It's most definitely because he feels safer and more relaxed at home than he does here even if he has been here every week of his life and I've been doing childcare for dd since she went back to work.
What works at yours may not work for his dm at home. You should advise your dd to speak to the GP if there are concerns around ASD.

toomuchlaundry · 02/01/2023 09:14

How old is your daughter?

gogohmm · 02/01/2023 09:30

It's great that you can give her respite and are able to look after him effectively but remember children can behave differently in different environments and it's very different parenting for 24/7 than for one overnight stay. We also have to do the less popular things sometimes, even if triggering.

I suspect a parenting course might benefit her, he obviously needs a certain style of care - this isn't saying she's a bad parent, more it's just that some children are harder to look after and we need a reset sometimes. I'm pretty sure my dd1 and I are similar, I'm really not being judgmental, she used to really be hard to parent (she's autistic) though at 23 isn't easy now!

blackheartsgirl · 02/01/2023 09:39

Sounds like masking masking to me

ds was exactly the same when he was with his dad and my mum.

funnily enough my ds went to live with his dad for a couple of months when he was 11 (after years of me struggling with him and being told it was my parenting). His dad brought him back as after two weeks ds behaviour changed from being good to being exactly how he was with me and he could no longer cope. He finally admitted there was amoriblem and ds was then diagnosed with autism at 13.

blackheartsgirl · 02/01/2023 09:40

Omg bloody iPhone a ‘problem’

Helpingherhelphim · 02/01/2023 11:34

Thank you for replying. OK several people have said about masking I will be open minded with that because obviously I can't say that's not true as we will never know.

Hes on the waiting list to be seem for possible autism diagnosis.

With the dry nights at my house Surely if he was a true bed wetter he would do it at both houses? Can he masking that as well . I thought bed wetting was an unconscious sort of thing? Having said that she gives him around 4 drinks a night.

Dd is totally aware this could be due to autism. She's looked stuff up herself she's sent me stuff. I've sent her stuff. Shown her videos screen shots . We have discussions explored things . It seems she's taken things on board even stuff she's said her self. But then it turns out she actually hasn't.

We know his triggers. He hates busy places like shopping centres. Mcdonalds buses. Leaving the house. He has to go to school on the bus . If she gets a bus that takes her all the way to the school he xab cope with that and is distracted with dds phone. But if she was to change bus it would cause massive upset

With the shopping centre dd has 6 hours every day to get stuff she wants/needs but she gos on a weekend knowing it will be busy. I know it can't always be helped especially school holidays. But she will take him from shop to shop. And this is all building up inside him. She took him to mcdonalds in Xmas eve it was a madness
She took him to see a show which although he enjoyed he will struggle with.she took him for a meal after which was to much for him and tipped over the edge.

Theses are a couple of examples . She will messages/ring me ranting about him going on about he has ruined the day. Or sometimes she's frustrated ,upset, feeling hurt, sometimes angry. I have suggested things ti her like trying his ear defenders.but she never does. I suggested that if she's taking him to a show. Or swimming. Or what ever to only do that 1 activity. Don't go and eat as well as it pushes him over the edge. Maybe get a take away food delivery or cook at home. If she wants to eat out to do it on a separate day. As its not worth the stress for any of them. But she still does it . Then contacts me again.

A couple of times I have advised her what to do when leaving the house. She's followed that advice abd it's worked but the best day she will ring me with exactly the same issue.

1 professional have said she fights fire with fire. Another said she does not see the world through gs eyes . she got defensive and refused to work with them.

I have seen this going on for years now. I have tried so hard. Not to hurt her feelings. Not to say things in the wrong way. Not to make her feel shit. I'm feeling bad for gs. And frustrated with dd. Which is probably coming across. I'm not meaning to make her sound like a bad parent or anything like that. It's just gone on so long I don't know what to do anymore.

OP posts:
LIZS · 02/01/2023 11:37

Is your dd a single parent? Has she had any parenting support via school or hv? Maybe dgs can mask or is following your other dc behaviour.

Helpingherhelphim · 02/01/2023 12:04

LIZS · 02/01/2023 11:37

Is your dd a single parent? Has she had any parenting support via school or hv? Maybe dgs can mask or is following your other dc behaviour.

Actually I did wounder about him copying my children. So yeah possibly.

There has been some professionals try to guide her give advice. But she gets defensive.

OP posts:
New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Swipe left for the next trending thread