Do you think it's all random, that nothing you do matters? Please help me understand.

[Pootle22]

I was on a training course a few years back with a very eclectic group of people, lots of personalities not representative of my friends/colleagues.

Sharing personal thoughts/beliefs was part of the course and at least 3 people had the very strong opinion that nothing anyone does really influences their future. It's all random, you can't make plans, etc. All 3 of these people had lost a parent to suicide, I'm not sure if that could be related.

Challenging /questioning people in their beliefs was very much not part of the course, so whilst I was fascinated with this idea I couldn't ask what exactly they meant or how it made them live their life.

I'm very analytical and it doesnt make sense to me. I know you can't control everything, that you could work very hard and still not be successful, be really sensible with money but never get rich, live mega-healthy but still get sick etc. However to me there are things you can do that improve the chances that your life will turn out as you want it to.

Does anyone have this sort of belief and can explain to me how it influences the way you live your life?

Thanks.

I think the clue about the parents' suicide is very relevant, though hard to see as causative.

I can see that actions can't be predicted to have a future effect, but that all plans are pointless isn't practical. I wonder if those three have pension plans or pay mortgages? Maybe they're all Stoics, so as a matter of principle entertain the worst outcome, so as to be the better-prepared for the worts, though that in itself is form of planning.

They sound an interesting bunch, and since they've come up with such a radical statement, I'd feel free to ask them further.

There is so much we can't control about our lives and this uncertainty is scary and humbling but that is a fact but all you can do is to do your part, do your best and cross your fingers and hope for the best.

There are things you do and choices you make that increase the likelihood of X happening. If you did not do or choose certain things the likelihood of X happening are less but not zero.

People have that way of thinking, it can feel freeing to accept the uncertainty and embrace it for example making you braver and intentional in how you live your life, be present in the moment, not take anything for granted, noticing the small things and moments of happiness but for some people it can go the opposite way making you always anxious, making you fearful or having a strong urge to control be it your food or others, making you want to escape and avoid life through addictions.

I don't know if parental suicide make you think that way.

How do you make God laugh?
Tell Him your plans.

It’s an old joke, as is the cliche “Life is what happens while you were making other plans”.

I used to be a bit of a control freak, planned for every eventuality, had “to do”lists for everything. Had a sensible career (hospital doctor), wonderful loving DH, two babies, good lifestyle.
Then DH collapsed and died of a brain haemorrhage with no warning at thirty six, leaving me with the two babies, no childcare, and a life devastated by grief.
That was 31 years ago.
I don’t really make plans any more.

I'm a big planner and DH is atheist and similar to the beliefs you describe. We've come to an agreement around 6 months where we both feel you can plan for that kind of timeframe somewhat. I still plan for longer and he nods and smiles.