Living some distance from elderly parent....how do you cope if their heath declines?

[mids2019]

Possibly many people in to this boat but if you live some distance from an elderly parent and have a young family of your own how do you plan to look after them if their health declines.

From my childhood families often lived in the same locality so popping in to see if dad or mam were OK and helping with basic needs e.g. shopping was part of the culture

I now live some distance from an elderly parent and it is difficult to find time to visit and importantly if there was a health decline he would be reliant on social care to an extent I think this would make me feel guilty and a little anxious.

Is anyone in a similar position and how did you manage?

I am in the same position - they are only an hour and a half or so away but if they need care it is too far. My mil was widowed about four years ago and is increasingly frail at 89, my dad is currently fit and healthy at 77 and has a partner. I have a 12 year old who has to go to school and I can’t leave. Husband will go in his own to his mums but I still feel guilty.

It is really hard. I live 3 hours from mine with 3 school aged children. I sometimes "pop in" on a sunday as a round trip. Takes me ages . Husband understands and helps look after kids. Can't stay for prolonged periods as youngest is 5.
Sometimes have them to stay which is easier in some ways and eases the guilt...

@wanttokickoffbutcant

I agree it's difficult part of the problem is that I know members of my family believe that the elderly are definitely the responsibility of the children. My mother used to work in social care and was scathing about the children of elderly frail parents who didn't assist and relied soly on home helps. Now I can see both sides of this

I was in this position. My mum lived 400 miles away. My brother was a 1.5 hr drive away, so closer.

We both wished we had insisted she moved close to my brother after my dads death. It was such a strain as we wanted to take on more of her care, but couldn’t all the time and it was a huge strain on us in the lead up to her death(We both had young children too).

I appreciate elderly parents don’t want to relocate but i will be giving this a lot of thought when I am old and knackered.

This is a great fear of mine too.

I have the same experience as you, when I was a kid there was a large extended family dropping in on various elderly relatives several times a day, supplying meals, getting shopping etc. Now we live 3hrs away, would def drop everything and go for a while if needed but can't supply daily help.

I'm going to start looking into it. Presumably as soon as they need help you get onto the council/social welfare and ensure they're getting everything they're entitled to. I'm also sure it's nowhere near as much as a family would provide so you either need to encourage them to 'spend the inheritance' to make their life comfortable or try to fund it yourself.

@mids2019 agreed about the expectations - problem is our parents generation tended to either be retired when their parents were elderly or the women didn’t work or worked part time, or their own children were no longer dependent.

Now we have kids older, we have young children, full time jobs and elderly parents 😩.

I don’t know what the answer is ☹️.

There was a great thread about this recently with loads of great practical advice I'll see if I can find it

The elderly board is full of hard earned wisdom.
make sure there are powers of attorney in place well before mental capacity declines. Find out about local to them support or networks.
check their council websites for info.
and many of us have found getting elderlies to accept cleaners/ gardeners is a great way into increasing care when needed. And eyes and ears on the ground.

Planning for the "in case" - how do you manage when 200 miles away ? www.mumsnet.com/Talk/elderly_parents/4705976-planning-for-the-in-case-how-do-you-manage-when-200-miles-away

It's very tricky. When my mum was terminally ill in the summer she wanted to stay at home. My dad was struggling to cope so between my brother, sister and me, we did the last fortnight with at least 1 of us there all the time (she had no social care help as no staff available in the area).

We all have jobs, young children etc - for me this meant at least 1/2 weekdays and nights staying over then all weekend.

I would recommend discussing parents' wishes as far in advance as possible. We had a vague idea but hadn't really considered what this would look like and the toll it would take on us all.

Thank you for all the replies and it's comforting to know many face the same challenges. One problem is that my father is very proud and stuck in his ways as a lot of the elderly are. We have tired a discussion about relocation but he simply doesn't want that.

As a P P mentioned a 3.5 hour drive isn't just popping in and such things do need thought. I think the thing that worries me is a call from a hospital about my parent being ill and having the emotional and logistical stress of handling this.

My dad is hundreds of miles away and in sheltered housing which helps. I found there is stuff which can be done from a distance, for example a welfare rights person to visit and do a attendance allowance form- with an email from me to explain his medical problems. He now uses this to pay a cleaner. Called the council to arrange a social care package. for example.

Encourage them to access care support this is helpful

As an older person, can I say that I do not want to up sticks and move nearer my DCs. I don't want to move away from all my friends and all the groups that I belong to. I've often read on Gransnet of people moving near their children and then being surprised that their DCs have busy lives and that they can't be included all the time. Also when the grandchildren get into their teens they have less time for grandparents. Reading on here has taught me that me that my DH and I need to look after ourselves and recognise that if we need help later on we have to source it ourselves and not dump on our children.

When my parents were ill (mum died about three years after dad) each time I moved in with them. There wasn't much difference in my work commute but it was about 2 hrs from our home. DH understood and was OK with it. Fortunately the girls were older and were at college and later at work.

@tedgran totally agree. My mum did this (left a strong social network behind) to move near us and it’s been a disaster 😢.

@Tehran

@tedgran

Really interesting post and I think my father holds very similar views.

When you mention you and your husband being self reliant would you envisage relying on state of private care at any point. (State limited - private expensive)

It is a sensitive and depressing topic age related decline and I understand reasons it is still something of a taboo. From a perspective of a child of elderly parents there may be a guilt and anxiety about them if they are remote. I am also fully aware that people are incredibly proud and will not admit they need care and that again leads to difficulties.

Are you an only child@mids2019 ?

I am in the same situation but have a sibling who lives near my remaining parent (mum.) My mum is a 6hr drive away.

She has an amazing network of friends (thanks to the WI) and living in the same town all her life (she's well into her 90s and at the moment is living fully independently, with help for her garden.)

We set us telecare (emergency alarm) for her.

She has always said she will never move into care. Worst, case, if it was short term, we'd try to manage her care at home.

It's a real concern though as I'm heading for my 70s, and my own family need me too (DH and adult kids.)

I also manage all her online financial stuff, do her weekly online shop, and order her clothes etc.

My advice is get your parents- if it's not too late- to develop a network of friends who can step in - not for medical care, but for helping out.

My Mum has neighbours who have daughters my age and they help her out too.

Also, bear in mind that not all old people have to go into care. Many can cope at home with carers coming in.

My late MIL had carers 4 x a day for years, and when she did go into care it was only for 6 weeks before she died.

None of my close family has gone into care - many lived into their 90s and died from something, that finally got them, in their 90s.

@OhMonDieu

yes I am an only child so can't spread responsibility. The situation is complicated by the fact my FIL may become I'll in later years so potentially increasing caring resposnbility?

I think the support network is important but I found with may Dad that does dwindle as his friends sadly.pass.or become less mobile/sociable so I don't know how robust it is really

I understand the reluctance of anyone moving into care and I guess this is motivated by pride (possibly fear?). The problem is if you look at severe dementia or extreme frailty in later life you can see how care homes may not be avoidable.

😒

Yes I'd agree moving nearer children isn't often a solution. My mum moved bearer me for the last 3 years of her active life and it was pretty awful. She was miserable and the upheaval not good for her in any way. Now having become seriously ill, she's ended up in a home an hour's drive away anyway because her needs are so specific that not a single home in the county can meet her needs.

My ds is now at university but all three of us, Mum's children, are still working full time and we need to. She did too at the same age. I did occasionally consider pooling resources with my mum and buying a house with her. But I'm glad I didn't tbh because again she's ended up with very specific needs and it's not really possible to imagine coping with them at home. I think we'd need three or four full time carers

So there's the reality - you're a long way apart and likely to remain so. I'd say you must sort out power of attorney - start it today, it takes months. And get your dad's views on medical treatment. Does he want to be treated with IV antibiotics and fluids and feeding tubes right until the last breath? Or is there a level of functioning that he regards as the last acceptable quality of life - losing mental capacity for decisions on where to live for example? Dies he understand that if you don't write this stuff down in clear, witnessed and dated documents, it is not you who will be making decisions for him, but a string of doctors in hospital he has never met before?

It is difficult to have these conversations. But if he won't, he is condemning himself to total powerlessness and you potentially to months of stress trying to advocate for him.

This.

My dm refused to move closer but in her later years, she had a gardener do three hours a week, a cleaner on another day. Farm Foods delivery, home hairdresser, home chiropodist, home optician. Plus a bi-weekly taxi trip to the shops and a weekly community bus trip to a social event. Plus an alarm button that she was hopeless at wearing

If you can arrange a bit of routine and make sure all the visitors have your number, it helps. It avoids loneliness, gives them something to get up and dressed for, something to look forward to. It also makes it easy to spot if anything is wrong.

@PermanentTemporary

thank you for your insightful post. My father isn't near a point of serious decline yet (though does have a form of cancer (slow growing) but I am aware situations can change in a relatively short period of time. I think personally there has been amount of head burrowing about this situation so I wanted to prepare for unfortunate possible eventualities.

We talk about it a lot. We have three surviving parents (already lost my dad) and they're all between 2 and 4 hours away.

None have sorted a power of attorney despite being asked, we can't force them. None have a plan about what will happen if they need help and won't talk about it.

My mum and her partner are still under 70 and pretty practical so not an immediate worry, H's dad has a partner and is active. He also just did a load of work to his house to make it easier for him as he gets older.

His mum we worry about.

Isn't it our responsibility as we age to spend what we've 'scrimped and saved for' all our lives and buy in help and care as needed. Leaving our busy adult DC in the prime of their lives free to focus on their jobs and families of their own?
Your DF has refused to relocate? Then he will live with the consequences. No unselfish parent worth their salt should fail to prepare and expect to burden family indefinitely surely.
Your guilt should be replaced by anger. I would feel very differently of any parent that insisted on being able to manage, refused to make their lives easier and then looked to others at short notice to sort out the mess.
The selfishness isn't yours.

About siblings; a family situation that struck me was that I have two cousins one of whom emigrated to NZ for a better lifestyle and enhanced career prospects. Th cousin remaining in the UK took on the burden of taking care of an elderly parent (including eventually funeral arrangements). I have never been judgmental about this but I do think this has to a consideration when people consider emigration.

also working in healthcare I am aware that a lot of elderly with progressive disease attend appointment s unsupported The staff during their breaks often remark, 'where the flip are the family.' being diplomatic in my language. There does seem to be judgment from society in general on the extent that we look after elderly.realtives. I now understand how difficult it is for a remote.caring relationship to work.