DD refusing food offers/eating less - is this an eating disorder

[Chooo]

Hi, Happy New Year everyone.
I’ve noticed my DD 13 isn’t eating as much as normal. I haven’t seen her eat crisps/sweets/chocolate for a while and she doesn’t eat much at the table. She used to always ask for helpings before! I don’t think she’s overweight but she refuses my food offers a lot.
For instance: me - morning DD, would you like some bacon?
dd- no thanks mum (she goes and makes toast) She’s stopped eating meat - going veggie??

another thing - she wants to do more sport. she asked Dh when he wants to go cycling or on a run.

Im at my wits end - i’ve booked GP appt so far. What do I do now?

Sounds like she's become weight conscious. This isn't uncommon at that age and isn't necessarily an eating disorder. Can you engage with her on what she likes to eat and focus on a healthy diet keeping her energetic and a healthy weight? I'd see the GP if she's drastically reduced what she's eating, but not if she's a healthy weight and just seems to be keeping an eye on what she eats.

What is she actually eating? Have you asked her why she is eating differently and wanting to exercise?

Choosing toast for breakfast rather than bacon isn’t an eating disorder. What is she eating in a day? Exercise is generally a good thing too.

I do understand a change in eating habits can be worrying. But it’s hard to assess from what you’ve said

If you think somethings up as a parent I tend to think somethings up.

What your dd is doing is exactly how my dds ED started. Has she lost weight? Loosing weight is what can trigger full blown anorexia.

There's a teens with ED thread in the ED section which you may find useful to read.

Personally I would nip the being veggie thing in the bud straight away if this is just a way for her to restrict food. I'd also be saying no to additional exercise unless you see a big improvement in how much she's eating.

In recovery from an ED since 26 here. @Chooo you are right to be aware, my ED started in a similar way. My questions are: Did you see her eat the toast? What did she put on it? Does she move to be alone after meals? Does she use SM? Was she sporty before now? I wouldn't worry straight away but keep an eye. I would also remove scales from the bathroom.

Thanks all, i’ve removeed scales from the bathroom. she uses whatsapp but no tiktok/insta. She just had cucumber slices with the toast. Today she said she wants to do a club with her friends, I asked which she said “something physical”.

I’m kinda worried because she’s been with friends for the whole day (coming back 6pm)so idk what she’s eaten 😟

It's a difficult thing for MN to answer because obviously we don't know you, and what portion sizes you serve at home.

Also the breakfast thing, loads of people aren't particularly hungry in the morning, so they don't eat breakfast. I stopped when I was about 11 or 12.

However you know your own child and if you don't think she's eating healthily, a trip to the GP might be in order.

But do think about portion size and ask yourself if she might just be cutting down because she's realised it's too much.

You are right to keep an eye on it but your examples done scream eating disorder. Does she eat with the family at tea time etc?

I personally would not be rushing to GP straight away. If it is the beginning of a problem she will become more secretive so better to just try and act normally and just be vigilant.
My daughter had orthorexia and was very unwell at Uni and is now fully recovered after medication and an excellent counsellor. Food will never be her friend but she is now fit and healthy and a fantastic Mum . She is vegetarian and now a sensible eater .

For instance: me - morning DD, would you like some bacon?
dd- no thanks mum (she goes and makes toast) She’s stopped eating meat - going veggie??

I can't see what is wrong with he choosing toast over bacon, I am a big meat eater but could easily choose just toast.

You say you are at your wits end but maybe she is just fed up of you offering food and making a big deal?

A GP appointment is extreme

Sorry meant to add if she wanted to be vegetarian would you be open to that conversation? I don't think choosing toast is an indicator at all but 'I want to be vegetarian' is a normal discussion, not something she would have to do secretly by refusing bacon.

Why are you using up a GP's time to tell them you have a daughter who appears to be increasingly health conscious?

It sounds counterintuitive but I wouldn’t take her to the GP yet, but keep a watchful eye.

The GP won’t care if she’s not underweight (and yes that is terrible) and telling a determined teenager that they’re not sick enough is just setting a challenge for them.

Has she lost weight, does she seem to be eating a healthy amount? It’s also possible she was more hungry due to have growth spurts but has slowed down a bit now.

At 13 I would involve her with some of the meal planning and prep but other than that for now keep a watchful but quiet eye on things. Pushing and making an issue of it is a risky step which may backfire.

What you describe is how my dd started, she's 15 now and had been diagnosed with anorexia. Keep a very close eye on whet she's eating, also check she's not rushing straight to the bathroom after food. I'm not saying it's definitely an ED but if it is you need to get on it now. I wish I'd noticed sooner with my daughter

Theres lots of information missing from what you're saying

So she wanted toast instead of bacon one time, what other examples do you have?

What does she eat when you do see her eating.

Is she overweight currently?

What does she say or mention about food/weight

What are her friends like, are any of them quite extreme in terms of 'healthy eating'?

Op a lot of people commenting n this post have not had a child with an ED so their advice is not based on experience.

Everything you've said rings alarm bells to me, anorexia does not develop over night but starts off with small changes, refusing bacon when they usually enjoy it, deciding to become healthier', deciding to stop eating meat, increasing exercise....

At first glance it all looks fairly innocent but actually leads to more and more restrictions.

I would take her to the GP, ask for weight, height, BP and pulse check. Ideally they'll do an ECG and bloods as well.

Keep a mental tally in your head of how many calories she's getting, less than 500 a day is dangerously low.

As I said before you'll get better advise on the teens with ED thread. Ignoring it or just keeping an eye just allows ED more time to take hold, I learnt this the hard way 😢

I wouldn't be rushing to a GP , but I'd be keeping an eye..without nagging.
Frankly unless she has a dangerously low BMI they won't do a thing anyway even if she is on the path to anorexia.. sadly I say that as the parent of an adult anorexic who still didn't get help when she was down to 5 stone 9 (at 5 ft 9 tall), as a teen (somehow we got her a bit healthier ourselves but it was very very hard), and when she relapsed last she was actually still working...as a medic... in her own hospital with a BMI of under 13, before she was finally admitted.
Currently battling it again and I know only too well the terror it evokes as a parent.
Is she a normal weight now, or thin already? If she is slightly overweight she may genuinely just be trying to slim down a little if she has skinny friends, in which case you can talk about healthy eating and sensible exercise... objectively there is nothing wrong with toast (and you can be veggie and not have an eating disorder.. :) )

But if your gut instinct tells you there is more to it; watch, monitor and read up ..the BEAT website is good. and prepare to fight for help.

Until their BMI gets very very low, there are just so few resources for intervention. My DD1 is dipping again now... needs urgent intervention but basically until she needs tube feeding nothing will happen :(

Sorry to scare you, because it may be fine, but just monitor closely (but quietly)

I disagree with most of the advice here. If you think something is up it may well be.
There are several red flags for the beginnings of an ED.
My DD started at 13 with exactly these symptoms and ended up with full blown AN.
What happens if you make her a bacon sandwich without asking? Would she eat it? How does she react?
I finally admitted that DD had an issue when I buttered her toast and she went nuts and refused to eat it. I had spent weeks 'keeping an eye', 'discussing healthy eating', 'encouraging exercising', 'getting her involved in meal prep'. All these things were of no use and just delayed me getting her help. By which point she was dangerously ill.
If your gut says somethings off listen to it. Do join us on the Teen ED thread youd be v welcome....

Red flags here are:
Cutting out 'bad foods'
Turning down previously eaten food
Increasing exercise
Becoming veggie
Cucumber with toast.....
Possible friendship competition to lose weight/ exercise more

Could I also add, from experience, any limiting diet changes. For me it was becoming vegetarian, then vegan as my parents questioned it less and I could put cutting a lot of foods out down to this.

I'd also like to add that absolute weight is not the point. Weight loss is. Any weight loss in children is dangerous. She is a child with growing and developing to do. And whilst it may be hard to get help there is help out there and treatment is family based anyway at this age.
It's the weight loss that triggers the ED in those with a genetic predisposition regardless of how or why that weight loss occurs. The more weight lost the harder it is to recover. So noticing and acting early is key.

My daughter developed anorexia at 13. And like others have said it crept up gradually, I had concerns for a few months but people around me told me it was fine, nothing to worry about, she's just growing up and being more health conscious and awkward like normal teenager. But I knew there was more to it than that. You know your child.
For me it was a combination of things that when all viewed together painted a more insidious obsession with body image, health, fitness and diet. The weight loss was harder to evaluate because she was wearing baggy clothes, onesies, oodies etc.
From my experience the red flags were; avoiding eating things that she normally loved, saying she'd eaten breakfast/lunch/snacks but no one had seen, wearing baggy clothes, increased exercise, obsession with food/fitness blogs on Instagram and Tik Tok, moodiness around mealtimes, wanting to come food shopping with me and taking ages looking at labels, avoiding carbs but obsessed with protein shakes and puddings, not wanting to join friends for days out or going to their houses because she 'didn't like their food', her mood became very low, she was always cold, her fingers were pale and freezing, she started avoiding having a bath/shower, her neck/shoulders/arms became more fluffy/hairy and the weight loss.
My advice is try to think about all the pieces of the puzzle. I eventually self referred to an Children's Eating Disorder service (which you can do, NW London). I thought I had caught it early but found out her periods had stopped months before so they said it had probably been going on for longer than I thought. We have spent 3yrs fighting this horrible illness and have gone through hell, I wouldn't wish it on any person. So..... if you are concerned do seek help. The Beat Eating Disorder charity are very good and have a helpline and website you can access.
Best of luck. I am happy to answer any questions if you want me.

The daughter of a good friend started out like this, at about age 13, and is now in recovery from an ED, with a long inpatient stay behind her in a specialized treatment center.

You are right to be worried.

I agree that you may have reason to be concerned.
If she starts turning down things that she usually likes the ED may be controlling her.You sound very sensible and aware , I hope it is a false alarm.