Dealing with other people's emotions at my health news?

[HollieJollyXmas]

I've had some bad news regarding some medical investigations recently. We don't yet know what it will mean long term and although it was a shock, I am dealing with it as best I can. Trying to stay positive, getting out and about etc. although I am of course worried and upset.

I was not prepared for other people's reactions. Most people who know have been just supportive but there are a few who have broken down when I've told them and seem to be seeking emotional support from me on a near daily basis or sending me links from Dr Google (as if I haven't already read every single thing I can get my hands on!) and saying daft, unhelpful things about how 'we' will fight it and 'we' will get through this. Pretty sure it's happening to only me, and not 'we'. I get it's upsetting for other people too but I can't help anyone but myself right now.

It all feels very over the top to me, and almost like they're are lapping up the drama of it all and trying to be more involved than they are. I can't quite put my finger on why it's annoying me so much but the messages/links make me want to scratch my eyes out. It feels attention seeking maybe?

Is this a thing? Has anyone else experienced this after bad news? How did you deal with it?

Two years ago my daughter had very bad news and some people would say things to her ,including myself and eventually she said one day " I am fed up hearing about someone's cousin's ,auntie's, friend's, sister who had similar diagnosis " .And quite rightly so , she had enough to deal with without listening to other people , although we thought we were being encouraging .

Oh god I can’t bear people like this. A friend of mine once told me she had a plumber in and he told her his mum was terminally ill and she burst out crying! It’s so self-absorbed to make someone’s problems about them. I’d just politely and firmly remind them it isn’t about them.

I would totally feel the same way as you. I was medium chill those people and not reply to their self absorbed messages and change the conversation if they do it in person. All the best.

Sorry you've had bad news and then encountered this. Yes it's a thing I'm afraid.
My all time fave was the young woman who wept all over me as the realization of the precariousness of my situation meant she'd now realized her Grandmother would one day die and that was very upsetting for her. ( I don't mean to be mean, but...)

I have no idea how to deal with it other than try and ignore and keep your news to yourself or those few you can trust not to make it about them.
I'm disabled and it's a downhill slide. I learnt a long time ago that keeping things to myself and underplaying it means I don't have to take responsibility for how others feel about it or provide emotional support to them.

I didn't tell them! Had a good idea who these drama llamas were and no way was I letting it be all about them. Told DH, and my parents, plus work manager. I have been very lucky and am all clear now for about 5 years, so they never had to know.

Recently had similar. Don't worry they all tend to fuck off when the going gets tough.

Sorry about your diagnosis op, and sorry some people aren’t supportive x

It's frustrating and insensitive of them. Could the news be triggering for them? My cousin got cancer and I was reeling for a while as my mum had died from cancer at a similar age. Not saying they should be responding like that.

Tell them to fuck off. It's you and only you who has to fight this, if they wanna fight it they can do so by helping and making sure you get plenty of rest and shutting up!

I can understand their reactions- caring about you and feeling powerless- but you are not being unreasonable and totally entitled to say "thanks but no thanks " to them!

You can either be blunt or if you don't want to be just say something like "thanks but I've got all that covered. I know you mean well but can you stop please"

So many people could do with reading this I think. Every best wish to you 💐

My DM tends to make situations all about her... and then puts her emotions and worry onto that person. I now don't tell her stuff as l can't cope with her emotional garbage as well as dealing with my own issues.

Unfortunately no advise except to distance yourself from them and don't give them anymore information.

I think this is one of the unexpectedly difficult bits of a bad diagnosis -- you need to be very clear about what kind of behaviour is not acceptable to you, and that other people are responsible for their own emotions and projections, and that you don't want to hear about their hairdresser's friend's cousin who was cured via eating raw onions or Native American sweat ceremonies. Best wishes.

Not the same but I had a traumatic bereavement (my son) and lots of people did and said lots of very stupid thing (why on earth my boss thought I’d want him to visit me at my home less than 24 hours later or why my mum thought it would be good to distract me by organising a dinner after his funeral I have no idea). Someone gave me a good piece of advice which is to “do nothing that doesn’t serve you”. So I asked HR to tell my boss to leave me alone. I switched off notifications on my phone. I

Sorry to hear you've had bad news. I had a similar experience when pregnant - we found out at the 20 week scan that our baby would be born with a serious health condition, would need surgery after birth and potentially ongoing issues. With 20 weeks of pregnancy still to go it was a difficult time.

I dealt with it by writing a briefing note to close family and friends, sort of a 'faqs' - what was happening, what the plan was, etc (obviously as much as you feel is appropriate to share). I also put in a 'how you can help' note that said we wanted people to be positive (with us at least - I have seen the 'project out' link referenced above since and it was exactly what I felt I needed). Most people said that they found it really useful and it did help to set the tone. Also helped us not have to repeat the same info over and over.

Don't be afraid to put your own needs first- you don't have to take on everyone else's emotion. If it gets really tricky see if someone else can handle the communications with people. I did find that most people only want to help and often are projecting their own fears onto your situation- it is not unreasonable to ask them to direct these somewhere else.

All good wishes.

I'm so sorry that you've had bad news, @HollieJollyXmas . I wish you luck and strength in dealing with it.

When I got an ovarian cancer diagnosis 2 years ago, I was very clear with friends and family that I couldn't deal with being wept on, etc. I am generally pretty introverted and tend to deal with trauma by retreating into myself. Some people offered very practical help post-op and during chemo and that was very welcome. I made a spreadsheet of when I'd need more support during chemo (as it's a cycle of feeling more/less shit) and I think that helped people to know what was useful. Mostly, people were magnificently kind and supportive.

The couple of people who continued to be all weepy and Kum-By-Ah on me, I am still very much more distant from than before, and I have sadly completely lost one friend. But my being clear about what I needed helped others to respond appropriately, I think.

The oncology nurse team I dealt with most were very amused by the spreadsheet, and have since suggested it to loads of other people - fame at last!

Yes, I've recently experienced this and it's a real thing. I ended up delegating telling people the news to trusted people so I wouldn't have to keep dealing with other people's shock and upset. I know they can't help their initial reaction but it was so draining and as though I was expected to support them.

Another thing is people wanting updates. It's really nice that people want to know how I'm doing but it gets draining telling everybody individually, especially if it's bad things I have to keep saying. It's a constant reminder of the bad news. I made a few Whatapp groups where I grouped together family etc and asked that that just ask on there instead of loads of individual messages so I only have to deal with it once.

And then there are the nosy fuckers. People you have absolutely no relationship with who just want to use you as a real life take a break story. The receptionist at my child's school actually asked whether my doctors think I will survive and what my chances are. Absolutely no reason for her to ask that other than sheer nosiness. How insensitive can you be? There is now a visible signifier of my illness and I can't believe how many people think it's ok to stare and give me pitying looks.

You need to protect yourself and if it seems harsh to other people, that's tough. You are the priority.