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Original poster

Parents complaining they don't see us enough

29 replies

bluepencils1 · 01/01/2023 10:52

DM usually looks after DS 2 days a week while I work. I would of put him in childcare those days but she really wanted to look after him and he does have a good relationship with her so I agreed. We saw my parents Christmas Eve and then for half the day the Tuesday after Christmas. She has been in touch today to say it would of been nice to see him/us more over Christmas. I responded to say it's not like she hadn't seen us and that it's nice for us to spend quality time together just us 3 (DP works away mon-fri and I work 4 days a week but both off for Christmas). She was the same when I was on mat leave, wanting to visit all the time despite me going round every Monday for the full day it was never enough. I told her it feels suffocating (maybe I worded it harshly but it was heat of the moment). She says I should give and take a bit more (not even sure what she means by that). Am I being too harsh? How should I handle this. We have DP's family to see aswell which we do weekly so it's nice to have a chunk of time to just spend together which is very rare.

OP posts:
gamerchick · 01/01/2023 10:54

Just carry on as you are, some parents do suffocate and you have to keep a form boundary with them, no matter the whinging.

cptartapp · 01/01/2023 10:57

Ah this is it with family childcare. You can be so beholden. As SIL is now finding out with frail elderly parents who had her GC too.
Yours seem to have started early.

cptartapp · 01/01/2023 10:59

And don't forget their help allows your DP to work too. It's not your role by default.

Interested in this thread?

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Childcare & nursery Families
gamerchick · 01/01/2023 11:02

Yeah, use childcare. Puts the whole thing to bed.

Hbh17 · 01/01/2023 11:04

Pay for childcare. Reduce the visits to both sides of the family - weekly sounds an awful lot.
Reclaim your own lives and leisure time.

FeinCuroxiVooz · 01/01/2023 11:12

you aren't doing anything wrong
I think your parents don't have enough going on in their lives and they are relying too heavily on you to fill it up. too right that's suffocating, you aren't responsible for providing them with a fulfilling and stimulating life.

my parents did half a day of childcare a week. that's all they could spare even though retired because of all their commitments to volunteering, community groups, choirs, gardening etc etc.

Original poster
bluepencils1 · 01/01/2023 11:12

I find them quite suffocating in general to be honest, I know DP's side of the family are similar in that they would like to see him multiple times a week too but it's too much, and they don't hound us as much about it. I wasn't going to bother responding to her about it anymore but after another message I've told her again, we do have our own life and it can get suffocating and that I would understand if they never saw him but they see him weekly. It's literally only been 5 days since she last saw us.

OP posts:
toomuchlaundry · 01/01/2023 11:14

Does she do anything else in her life?

Original poster
bluepencils1 · 01/01/2023 11:42

Not much no, she's just rang me ranting down the phone about it, sounded like she'd been crying. Keeps saying how hurtful it is. She ended up putting the phone down. I don't really know what else I could of said other than what I've already said. I read on here sometimes about how people live hours away from their families and often feel slightly envious about it.

OP posts:
toomuchlaundry · 01/01/2023 11:48

How old is she?

I would be telling her if she continues like she is doing that I will be putting DC into nursery rather than using her for childcare

What does your DF say about this? I would like to think if I got like this that DH would be having words with me

Original poster
bluepencils1 · 01/01/2023 11:56

toomuchlaundry · 01/01/2023 11:48

How old is she?

I would be telling her if she continues like she is doing that I will be putting DC into nursery rather than using her for childcare

What does your DF say about this? I would like to think if I got like this that DH would be having words with me

  1. My dad hasn't said anything directly to me but he will be agreeing/placating with her. She finds it terrible that I haven't invited her over despite only seeing her Tuesday. She says it's very regimented to see us when in reality all I've tried to do it is but boundaries in from the start but clearly is hasn't worked. She told me to have a think about how hurtful it is. I really didn't know what to say. It would be so much easier to put him in childcare full time but part of the reason I agreed was so that I wouldn't have to see her on my days off.
OP posts:
pinneddownbytabbies · 01/01/2023 12:18

They might be feeling a bit taken for granted, in that you are happy to use them for childcare, but can't be bothered to go and see them much otherwise.

Roserunner · 01/01/2023 12:28

My mum is like this, she still is now our DC is in secondary school and doesn't need childcare. We've seen her loads over the last 2 weeks but she's sulking because I said we can't go out for the day with them tomorrow. We have the added complication that because of her behaviour over the years my DH just can't stand being around her anymore. She just acts like a child and tantrums if she doesn't get her own way!

cptartapp · 01/01/2023 12:47

Unfortunately it can backfire massively. There is no special GP relationship for my nephews with their GP. No novelty in seeing them. It's just like set of parents number two. Over familiar.
Childcare has cost us many many thousands over the years as we live an hour away from PIL. It's proving to be priceless.
Imagine when oLder and one is left alone. If you're going to change things do it soon.

theoldhasgone · 01/01/2023 12:49

bluepencils1 · 01/01/2023 11:42

Not much no, she's just rang me ranting down the phone about it, sounded like she'd been crying. Keeps saying how hurtful it is. She ended up putting the phone down. I don't really know what else I could of said other than what I've already said. I read on here sometimes about how people live hours away from their families and often feel slightly envious about it.

The thing that I always wonder about people like this is... Why do they think ranting down the phone at you is going to make you want to spend time with them??

Original poster
bluepencils1 · 01/01/2023 12:58

@theoldhasgone this is exactly what I said to DP. All it does it make me want to see her even less.

OP posts:
Minimalme · 01/01/2023 13:18

It is weird that demanding parents feel entitled to demand their adult child's time, rather than trying to be nice.

My best friend sees her parents loads. They are really nice people and feel very grateful to be invited into her life.

My parents were/are unpleasant bastards. I'm no contact.

I know which method I'm going for with my kids.

fancyacuppatea · 01/01/2023 13:24

You need to find an alternative child care provision.
Nursery or Child minder really.
Yes, you'll have to pay ££, but you won't feel emotionally blackmailed anymore.
You can't put a price on freedom.

creamwitheverything · 01/01/2023 14:34

I have an 11 yr old and my mum is like this, She just doesnt get that school,clubs,friends etc keep us all busy let alone work, She makes it very obvious she is angry with us, this makes us back off more. We see her twice a week but its not enough, I get shes bored but thats not my fault.The guilt trips I have to endure are something else.

Original poster
bluepencils1 · 01/01/2023 15:56

I was actually going to ask them to call round tomorrow before she threw a tantrum but now it's just going to be awkward and almost like I'm giving in to her demands. Every time I think of it it's making me anxious.

OP posts:
cptartapp · 01/01/2023 16:12

I would punish that behaviour and not reward it. This is not a healthy relationship.
Don't invite them.

NuffSaidSam · 01/01/2023 16:18

I can sort of see where she's coming from tbh.

You clearly don't like her much and that's fair enough, but it must be hurtful when your adult children don't like you.

I'm not sure what the solution is, but I would maybe think about how you'll feel in 25 years if your DS is using you for childcare so that he can avoid having to see you on his day off! Not great, I imagine.

FeinCuroxiVooz · 01/01/2023 17:46

for relationships (of any kind) to thrive, the amount of time that elapses between seeing each other should be just enough for you to miss each other, wonder how the other is getting on and look forward to telling each other about what each has been doing/thinking about since you were last together.

for some relationships the appropriate time is less than a day, and if that's the case then it's good to live together and see each other every day. for others it's fine to go for weeks or months, but as time elapses the feeling of missing each other grows until an opportunity is found to spend time together.

it's totally normal for adults to not want to spend time with their parents every week. you are an independent adult and you have your own lives and concerns and interests.

what you have here is a massive imbalance because you mum misses you a lot quicker than you miss her. that's understandable but humans do not thrive with uneven relationships like this. the person on the receiving end feels overwhelmed and suffocated and the relationship becomes more distant, not closer. the only solution is for the other person to have some self-respect and back off. you can't guilt-trip people into enjoying your company.

DelphiniumBlue · 01/01/2023 17:53

You didn't see your Mum on Christmas Day or Boxing Day? That sounds a bit cold unless there's a very good reason - it sounds as if you live quite close.

RandomMess · 01/01/2023 17:58

Perhaps message and say how upset and hurt that no matter how often or for how long you visit she complains it isn't enough and you need some space to get over it.

Then follow through by leaving it a few weeks.

Did you spend much time with your grandparents when you were young? Is this an expectation that you all spend lots of time together?

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