If your 40s were horrible, did it get better?

[DillyGence]

If you're someone who would appreciate a trigger warning about MH and SA then please consider this to be one.

A series of unfortunate events has turned me from a confident, energetic sort into a sad, anxious person that I no longer recognise.

Key worker through COVID
Teen DD developed significant MH problems, dropped out of A levels etc.
Discovered teen DS had suffered years of verbal and physical bullying, culminating in a peer on peer SA that school knew about and did not act upon.
MIL has developed dementia and is dying.
My own vibrant, lively parents were aged dramatically by 2 years of shielding and now seem very elderly.
DH is a great practical support but finds talking about anything desperately difficult - he's been under massive stress this year.
Changes to my remit at work that have given my confidence a massive knock.

I cannot wait for the unmitigated hellscape of 2022 to be behind me but I am worried sick about what next year may yet bring.

I have had blood tests in case all this is menopause and GRT will see me right. Sadly not the case.

I have tried talking to my GP about anxiety and she couldn't have been less interested.

If your 40s were awful, did you ever get your groove back?

I can’t offer you any corner turning perspective, just virtual sympathy as I have experienced some of the same issues this year and currently scrabbling about trying to find some hope for next year. We are both still here and fighting is all my DH and me can say, but it’s something! 🙏

I'm not answering your question but just wanted to say my 40s were stressful and sad too. What helps to make me feel better is meeting up with friends I have known for years before all the crap happened. They too have had their share of troubles and I think us being together and remembering all our good times cheers me up and makes me feel like my old self.

I'm coming to the end of mine (40s)

Have a SN son with severe MH problems who is now an adult and I'm not sure if he will ever be able to live fully independently but is trying and I have to dive in and solve a myriad of problems with him repeatedly needing to come home and stay for long periods

Dp went through losing multiple jobs then losing his business in Covid. He is back in employment though super stressed as he is now over 50 and feels expendable in the workforce

Have multiple older family members in throes of mental health problems/dementia/giving away all their money to people defrauding them

Dp's kids (younger than mine) hitting teenager years and being more problematic

I am going through menopause (periods not regular but still fucking there)

I feel a lot more Zen as I'm about to be 50. I feel now that nobody else's shit matters other than mine and I give zero fucks about stupid things. I just have no time or patience for it. This has helped a lot but you do need to develop a proper grumpy demeanour.

Forgot to say, I would suggest reaching out to any counselling and mh services you can, if your work provide anything or local council directly, or private if you can afford it? Also encourage your DH to. In the mean time just get a notepad and write it all down.

I'm sorry things are so tough right now OP.

Just picking up on the menopause thing, blood tests are not very reliable and HRT can be prescribed without a blood test as evidence if you have other symptoms.
A lot of GP's don't seem to have got that memo.

Google symptoms and see if any apply and then consider going back or seeing a different GP. If necessary you can remind them of the NICE guidelines.

Thank you all for your thoughtful responses.

I try to do these things to help:

Long walks with the dog
Getting to bed at a sensible time
Putting things in the diary for DH & I to do together so it feels like there's little lights in the distance

The anxiety feels like a tight knot in my stomach and then it sort of goes into spikes on really bad days.

I know intellectually I'm not responsible for everyone's happiness but I can't convince my subconscious of this.

I would go back to the GP

Feeling anxious all the time is not good for your health and you may need some outside assistance getting out of that state of mind

I’ve been through similar to your situations and what I learnt was that I needed to talk to someone. These are really really emotionally draining events and I’d say your body and mind are completely wrecked with the stress and worry.

I honestly thought I wouldn’t make it through another year but I got counselling (private) and although I’ve not talked about everything, it has most definitely helped me.

Mums tend to be the people who everyone else reached out too and we take everything
On our shoulders especially for our kids. If things ares settled a little look at beginning to help yourself ❤️

Pandemic stuff has really added to the stresses of this time of life for people our age, mental health and education system failures affected our DCs, plus all the work and money pressure on top of the hormones and coping with the olds. Going to wear my grumpy demeanour with pride in 23 and be proud for just surviving 😊

Yes forties were bad for me. The loss off 3 out of four of our parents within a few years, suicide of 2 friends. Fifties have got a little better, last year was probably the best for a while - I packed in a job which was causing me a lot of stress with no job to go to and had a few months off to recharge. I'm now in a full time job which I do find exhausting though with four young adult kids still living at home and 2 dogs. I like dog walking and as others have said i make sure we have little things to look forward to- a weekend away, an afternoon tea in a nice cafe, a theatre trip. It's easy to get into a rut of not seeing people or doing much. I'm mid fifties now and just feel that I have some health problems which are holding me back. My plans for 2023 are to get fitter, lose weight etc.