A question for people who’ve had counselling in the past, and a question about possibly returning

[Fightingitoff]

I went to counselling for about four years and it helped in a lot of ways. I really liked mine which is why I stayed, didn’t actually change anything in my life but really helped me see patterns and the reasons for things. I really liked her and thought she was nice. I only left because I felt I’d run out of things to say and it had to end at some point.

I left over two years ago and there are still things that happen, where I imagine telling her about it and what sort of conversation we might have, or what further questions she might ask me about it. I feel like I want to discuss things with her, just to get it off my chest. Does anyone else do this? As in you’ve left counselling but still imagine the conversation you might have with them about something that happened last week?

Something else has been happening in my life that’s made me consider maybe going back, but I’m undecided. On one hand it would be good to talk about it, but on the other hand, maybe counselling has given me the tools to work these things out for myself and I should be able to stand on my own two feet by now? Also it’s just another iteration or version of something that’s happened before. It’s just part of the same pattern and I don’t know if it’ll ever change. And she did mention something I once about what I was going to actually do if I wanted to change, and I didn’t know. I know therapists aren’t supposed to judge you, but there is a chance that she might secretly think oh for goodness sake Fightingitoff, you’ve done this again, you never change.

Also I googled her and most of her listings seem to have disappeared, but maybe that’s because her books are full rather than she’s not doing it any more? I don’t know yet.

Has anyone here returned to the same therapist after a few years? How did it go the second time?

I’m a therapist, I regularly have people coming back after a break, sometimes after a few months, sometimes a couple of years. I’m always happy to see them - counselling isn’t a “one and done” thing, if you find the process helpful it’s something you dip in and out of. I very much doubt she’ll judge you for coming back.

Yes, in 2018 for about 10 weeks and again recently for 6.

If I could afford it I would go for longer as I'm naturally curious about what makes me tick and feel the way I do and she is fab helping me sort myself out and I feel safe there. However, I can only really afford to go when I'm in a dark place.

When people say "what would you do if you won the lottery" I never actually say it, but this is one thing I would prioritise although I don't know how long I'd need.

I've had counselling in the past and I sometimes now have imaginary conversations with the counsellor, which like you say, I think is part of the point - it sets you up to have tools to reframe things and this is one way I do it.

I've returned to a therapist several times, I think they provide security sometimes, a place to speak freely as you mostly can't elsewhere and a feeling of being accepted for who you are. They probably also represent in your head, a wise part of you which could be why you find yourself having conversations with them in your head after you've stopped seeing them. I can certainly imagine returning in the future again.

@Jellycatspyjamas It’s not so much being judged for coming back, but more because I’ve gone and got myself into yet another situation that’s the sort of thing that’s happened before already and I should’ve known better than to have done it again. Stupid question but do therapists actually expect people to change, or is it okay to just use it as a think and rant space? I started originally because something happened that for various reasons I couldn’t tell anyone else about, and I just needed to tell someone, anyone, and then it all went from there. It helped me realise a lot of stuff about myself and my family, but I feel like I’m back at square one or something and I can’t believe it’s happened again.

Our patterns of thinking and relating run deep, I believe people are able to change even those very deep patterns but it takes time and learning. Think of it like wheel ruts on a snowy road - you stay in the ruts because they’ve been carved out before you, it’s safer and predictable. You might decide to change direction but get pulled back into the rut again, or you may skip or skid while your wheels try to drive over the rut. It might take a few tries, or you might get stuck. Therapy can help you push through.

No therapist worth their salt would judge a client for falling into similar situations again, we know how hard it is to change and we know that each new situation can set you back again. Personally I’d be glad they knew they could come back again and would happily work through it all.

Another way to think about change is a spiral, each time you go round the circle gets a little bit smaller so while the situation looks the same, and your reactions might look similar there will be something different this time that can be built on. This time it sounds like you’re aware of where it comes from, so you recognise it in a way you might not have before.

And you absolutely can use therapy as a space to rant if that’s what you need.

Thank you. I very much appreciate your reply.

Anyone else?

I would go back to my old therapist in a heartbeat OP. I’m also ready to return to therapy but she doesn’t practice any more 😢 It’s so much easier with someone who you know and who knows you, rather than having to start all over again - especially if you’re someone like me with a complicated history! I’m currently searching for someone new but find it very hard not to compare them all to my old therapist.

Sorry to hear that. I can’t quite tell from googling if mine is still practicing or not, so I’ll have to send an email to ask. You’re right about it being better to go back to someone who already knows my history, although I last saw her over two years ago so I don’t know how much she’ll remember. I was always amazed by how much she remembered each week, and wondered if she secretly wrote notes but I think she might not have kept them after we finished.