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Original poster

Trying to understand ILs Christmas behaviour

19 replies

Dilbertian · 30/12/2022 21:41

Grandparents have two adult dc, both with long-term partners. One couple (DH and me) have young dc and the other couple (SIL and BIL) do not. All travel to the grandparents for Christmas every year and stay 2-3 nights. SIL and BIL arrive a few days before Christmas Day and DH and I have been told to arrive on Christmas Day itself. The whole family will eat Christmas dinner together, then the SIL and BIL will leave.

DH and I do as we are told. It’s a 5h drive, including breaks, and we arrive by 1pm. Our older children need a run after sitting for so long, and the baby is generally ready for a nap. But presents must be opened now, as SIL and BIL want to leave straight after dinner for their 2.5h drive home.

So we all gather to open presents. The ILs have already opened all their presents. The only ones left to open are the dc’s presents and the ones we are exchanging with FIL and MIL.

This happened for 3y, until dh put his foot down and said that it was too far to drive on Christmas Day, and not fair on the dc, who struggled with Christmas dinner under those circumstances.

I have always thought the ILs’ behaviour incredibly weird. Why make a fuss about the whole family having to be there, but then rush to open presents without the whole family there? Why push children’s gifts on them and then not give them the chance to play with them? Why rush to make a fuss of overtired, under-exercised children and then force them to sit down?

Why?

OP posts:
PikachusSmarterBrother · 30/12/2022 21:42

Who knows - it just sounds like they want their idea of Christmas on their terms.

Just do your own thing and enjoy Christmas how you want to.

ivykaty44 · 30/12/2022 21:43

Why don’t you drive up 🆙 n Xmas Eve?

BrutusMcDogface · 30/12/2022 21:46

They aren’t considering the needs of your young children, in which case I’m glad your dh put his foot down. Do it your way from now on! Going up on Christmas Eve would make a lot more sense, I agree. Or just stay home.

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Justmuddlingalong · 30/12/2022 21:46

They do what suits them. Regardless of the effect on others.
Time you, DH and your kids adopted this behaviour.
You've got almost a full year to tell them what your plans are.

wherearebeefandonioncrisps · 30/12/2022 21:58

Just do your own thing.
If you go up there then go with the flow.

Original poster
Dilbertian · 30/12/2022 23:07

They did not want us to come on Christmas Eve. It would be too much to have the whole family overnight.

TBH I'm not convinced it was MIL and FIL who instigated this. I'm not Christian, and when we married one of their worries was "What about Christmas?" Our response was that Christmas would always be theirs. My family do not celebrate Christmas, so they would never have to share and could have the grandchildren whenever they wanted over the Christmas holidays.

It never made any sense to us that the family with the more challenging journey should be the ones driving up on Christmas Day.

OP posts:
Whowhatwherewhenwhynow · 30/12/2022 23:09

They sorted it like this because they want Christmas how they want it: they’re focused on how it works for them and not on anyone else.

I would never accept that set up. Sounds hard work

onemorerose · 30/12/2022 23:22

Work it around the needs of your family next year. And every other year. And enjoy a more peaceful Christmas

Workinghardeveryday · 30/12/2022 23:27

Whowhatwherewhenwhynow · 30/12/2022 23:09

They sorted it like this because they want Christmas how they want it: they’re focused on how it works for them and not on anyone else.

I would never accept that set up. Sounds hard work

This!!!

Tannedandfake · 30/12/2022 23:32

Grandparents?? You mean in the PIL’s I presume.
Surely their reasoning is space / bedrooms. So that the crossover between SIL and your family on Xmas afternoon.
If you don’t want to go year after year, then decline the invite

MillicentMold · 30/12/2022 23:39

Their arrangements for family visiting over Christmas works for them I guess.

If the arrangements don’t work for you stay home next year OP and enjoy a stress free Christmas when the children can enjoy their presents instead of travelling. And you can stay in your pj’s, sip wine when you’re cooking dinner and then generally slob on the sofa for the rest of the day. It’s so much easier 🍷

TightFistedWozerk · 30/12/2022 23:45

Granted, your family never celebrate Christmas, fair enough. But you are right to reclaim Christmas back from your ILs. Pay them no more mind, they are unfathomable wrt their weird ideas about making you travel huge distances each Christmas day. No ta.

Original poster
Dilbertian · 30/12/2022 23:53

This happened for 3y, until dh put his foot down and said that it was too far to drive on Christmas Day, and not fair on the dc, who struggled with Christmas dinner under those circumstances.

They have the space, and, at the time, had the energy, too. We haven't been there for Christmas Day for several years now. I always think it so sad for them, as Christmas had been their main concern. And I know it broke dh's heart at first, having Christmas 'alone' at home. We visit between Christmas and NY. And they send the dc their Christmas presents to open on Christmas Day, rather than have the pleasure of seeing their dgc open them.

(That last might be me not understanding Christmas, though.)

OP posts:
ZeViteVitchofCwismas · 31/12/2022 00:04

It sounds bizzare,why is sil allowed up sooner? Why weren't you allowed up sooner?

How odd re not being a Christian so don't celebrate..

Are you a Jehovah witness?

Otherwise I can't see what it matters. We all know now that Xmas is many things to many people and above all a celebration of light for the darkest days of the year.

I can only think this is either a usual golden girl situation and your DH is the black sheep, or they are completely thoughtles or plain stupid or you seem a Christmas kill joy who is quite rigid in belief and they didn't want you putting a downer on everyone?

ZeViteVitchofCwismas · 31/12/2022 00:06

I just couldn't imagine unless I hated my dd to demand she drives over 5 hours on Xmas day with small.dc.for some hair brained presents and meal marathons? I can't believe it.

FleasNavidad · 31/12/2022 00:36

"How odd re not being a Christian so don't celebrate.."

Eh? You think everyone celebrates Christmas regardless of religion? 🤣

JudyGemston · 31/12/2022 02:24

ZeViteVitchofCwismas · 31/12/2022 00:04

It sounds bizzare,why is sil allowed up sooner? Why weren't you allowed up sooner?

How odd re not being a Christian so don't celebrate..

Are you a Jehovah witness?

Otherwise I can't see what it matters. We all know now that Xmas is many things to many people and above all a celebration of light for the darkest days of the year.

I can only think this is either a usual golden girl situation and your DH is the black sheep, or they are completely thoughtles or plain stupid or you seem a Christmas kill joy who is quite rigid in belief and they didn't want you putting a downer on everyone?

Not OP but I’m Jewish and we don’t celebrate Christmas. We have our own “celebration of light” that we observe this time of year. Do you really think everyone celebrates Christmas? What a small world you must have.

lifeinthehills · 31/12/2022 02:39

They know what they want Christmas to look like and they are making sure that's what it looks like.

One of the best things we ever did was tell the MIL that we weren't making the journey for Christmas anymore. They were welcome at our home but the kids had enough of Christmas in the car.

itsinsidelight · 31/12/2022 02:51

A situation like this would make me not want to bother. No way would I be driving for 5 hours with my kids in the car on Christmas Day. It's totally unreasonable to expect that.
They would be tired and wouldn't enjoy it.
I can't imagine any of you were full of energy after a 5 hour drive.
And then they dictate what it is they want while you're there.
In future I would let them know you're not willing to do that this time as it didn't work well for you all as a family last time so you'll stay home and maybe see them some other time over the Xmas period.

Alternatively you could go up Xmas Eve and stay somewhere, but again I think this would be another way of you accommodating their needs above the needs of you and your own family. So that might not work well for you all either.

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