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Original poster

ExH has stopped contact how do I tell DC?

10 replies

TheOneLeftToPickUp · 30/12/2022 16:13

I share 1 DC aged 8 with ExH. DC has some SN (not autism) so struggles with processing so this is something we will need to visit again and again, so I want it to be something I can explain easily.

Basically ExH has said he’s temporarily stopping seeing DC as he says he’s struggling with work (he works parttime only), having his own home and DC as well – he only sees DC 1 night EOWend and 1 extra night at Christmas so 27 nights a year.

He saw DC Christmas Day but brought them back before the overnight, the last overnight was in early December but there’s been no warning of this.

We split due to ExHs violence and control, he took me to court for the CAO as well. I suspect this will be the end of contact.

He’s refusing to speak to DC about it so I have to. I’m gutted for them but also angry with ExH because I have a full time job, live on my own with DC, have pets and I have PTSD thanks to him and yet I can't just walk away. But I don't want DC to think it's their fault or issue.

So what do I say? Or do I just not bring it up?

OP posts:
senua · 30/12/2022 16:17

Don't say anything because people always shoot the messenger.
Let XH explain it.

PritiPatelsMaker · 30/12/2022 16:20

No idea of what to say but what an absolute shit he is.

I hope you're getting some help with your PTSD Flowers

TheCatterall · 30/12/2022 16:21

Do you want it to be done in a caring manner that you can help DC with their emotions etc.

or do you want Ex to do it? Are they in touch with your DC needs? Will they make it an age /DC appropriate conversation or just blurt it out?

id rather explain to my child what’s happening. It’s nothing they’ve done. But work patterns etc change and instead we can do this or that on those days.

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Original poster
TheOneLeftToPickUp · 30/12/2022 16:24

TheCatterall · 30/12/2022 16:21

Do you want it to be done in a caring manner that you can help DC with their emotions etc.

or do you want Ex to do it? Are they in touch with your DC needs? Will they make it an age /DC appropriate conversation or just blurt it out?

id rather explain to my child what’s happening. It’s nothing they’ve done. But work patterns etc change and instead we can do this or that on those days.

@TheCatterall I'm going to have to do it, ExH is refusing to, I've asked him multiple times. I've offered phone or video call contact instead but he's refused that to, hence I think its the end of contact at all. Which is sad for DC.

OP posts:
imalreadygone · 30/12/2022 16:25

Can you say he's busy at work at the moment?

It sucks though.

milkysmum · 30/12/2022 16:26

My ex husband has suddenly ended contact also. My children are 13 and 11. He hasn't even spoken to me about it, everything has just stopped. He didn't even get in touch over Christmas and it's been 8 weeks now since I have heard from him. He was seeing them every other weekend. I'm torn now as to whether to just leave things and say nothing ( interestingly they haven't asked..) or explain that I suspect their Dad is drinking heavily and is no state to see them. It's so difficult to know what to do for the best isn't it.

Thedoglovesmemore · 30/12/2022 16:37

Did you feel able to point out to him that you manage a job and a home AND you now have your shared DC full time? Ex sounds a total Arsehole I’m so sorry OP.

For your DS I would be honest and say you don’t really understand it either but daddy has often found organising himself hard and this is another of those situations when he is finding managing a few things all together too much so for now you are pleased you get to see DS a bit extra and if he would like help writing daddy a card or something you are happy to help him. Reassure him that you aren’t going to feel the same as daddy as you and DS are a team and this is his home here with you and always will be.

I would also let school know to see if they can offer him some support or at the very least be aware he might have some big emotions.

Is DS in contact with any of ex’s family at all?

senua · 30/12/2022 16:38

milkysmum · 30/12/2022 16:26

My ex husband has suddenly ended contact also. My children are 13 and 11. He hasn't even spoken to me about it, everything has just stopped. He didn't even get in touch over Christmas and it's been 8 weeks now since I have heard from him. He was seeing them every other weekend. I'm torn now as to whether to just leave things and say nothing ( interestingly they haven't asked..) or explain that I suspect their Dad is drinking heavily and is no state to see them. It's so difficult to know what to do for the best isn't it.

Like I say, don't do their dirty work for them.
If / when the DC ask just tell them you are as clueless as them, you have no idea of the what or the why. Then divert the conversation to chat about general relationship advice (e.g. don't ghost people, it's not nice).

Original poster
TheOneLeftToPickUp · 30/12/2022 16:41

Thedoglovesmemore · 30/12/2022 16:37

Did you feel able to point out to him that you manage a job and a home AND you now have your shared DC full time? Ex sounds a total Arsehole I’m so sorry OP.

For your DS I would be honest and say you don’t really understand it either but daddy has often found organising himself hard and this is another of those situations when he is finding managing a few things all together too much so for now you are pleased you get to see DS a bit extra and if he would like help writing daddy a card or something you are happy to help him. Reassure him that you aren’t going to feel the same as daddy as you and DS are a team and this is his home here with you and always will be.

I would also let school know to see if they can offer him some support or at the very least be aware he might have some big emotions.

Is DS in contact with any of ex’s family at all?

@Thedoglovesmemore Thank you thats a good way of putting it, will also get in touch with school that's a great idea.

DC sees ExHs family but only with ExH they won't speak to me so DC also loses them along with ExH.

OP posts:
familyissues12345 · 31/12/2022 00:49

I wouldn't come up with any elaborate lies, just probably say you don't know etc

My Ex did this a lot, when DS was a similar age to yours - including a short stint in prison Hmm- so I got used to having to come up with different reasons why he wasn't seeing him at all/as much.

As he got older he told me he knew I'd lied. He said he understood I was trying to protect his feelings, but it hurt at the time that I was coming up with these fibs. So I'd either be honest, or just say you don't know.

Good luck, and as someone else said, I hope you have support for your PTSD?

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