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Original poster

How do you intend on being a good mil in the future

24 replies

SnowOwlWise · 30/12/2022 10:12

Not interfering

although that one can be hard as you also don’t want to come across as not interested etc

OP posts:

Original poster

SnowOwlWise · 30/12/2022 10:13

2.simply be nice and welcoming

OP posts:

lifeinthehills · 30/12/2022 10:41

I think if you recognise that they are adults with the right to make their own decisions without us debating it, a lot of the rest will fall into place. At the same time, us parents are also get to make decisions just as freely about what works for us in the relationship. Overall, not thinking of your child as an extension of yourself to the point you think you still have ownership of them and their lives.

It seems to work so far.

ZeViteVitchofCwismas · 30/12/2022 10:46

Op I don't think it's hard.
Respect what other people want to do, remember your DC are grown up and have their own way of doing things and views. Advice on raising children changes so don't scroff if child needs to go to a car seat and not roam free like the 70s.

Don't turn things into a competition and insulate you are a better cook. Don't get angry if your son has to cook and be hands on with his own children!

Don't be constantly moaning and negative and talk about how amazing you are. Then ask your Dil about herself and her family....take some interest? .

Don't try and dress everyone.

If you want people to visit you,allow them to feel comfortable in your home

CharlotteStreetW1 · 30/12/2022 10:46

Emigrating.

ZeViteVitchofCwismas · 30/12/2022 10:48

@lifeinthehills .
. exactly...it's not hard is it!!

People make out like it's some huge mystery they can't understand and they're scared as mum's of sons.. Just be kind and respectful.

toomuchlaundry · 30/12/2022 10:48

Their house is their house not an extension of yours, so rearranging cupboards and telling them that their windows need cleaning is not a good idea.

If you want to be helpful ask what you can do to help

ZeViteVitchofCwismas · 30/12/2022 10:49

And I will " ask " is there anything DC need?
What can I get rather than foist stuff they may not need or want on them.

I also won't make bday cakes without asking for GC or do stockings etc.
.

Beezknees · 30/12/2022 10:50

I don't know really. My only child is a son so I'll probably be wrong no matter what I do if I have a DIL 😂

I'm not really interested in other people's kids to be honest, so I don't think I'll be interfering when it comes to grandchildren. I don't care if DS has kids or not, I want him to do what makes him happy.

Iam4eels · 30/12/2022 10:51

Taking an interest without being overbearing, respecting their boundaries and their agency as adults, being supportive of their decisions even if I don't wholly agree because it's not my life, its theirs.

In the main, by being an adult myself and using my words. If something bothers me or I'm unsure or whatever then talking with them about it. DH and I do this thing where if one of us is having a vent/rant/whinge/dilemma, etc the other of us will ask "are you looking for suggestions or sympathy?" and can then offer whichever is wanted in that moment. Clarifying and then talking saves so much frustration.

JennyForeigner · 30/12/2022 10:52

Easy, I'll just copy my mum.

They are helpful in a practical kind of way. When they come over the garden gets tidied up a bit, a child entertained for an hour or two, a quiche appears in the fridge...

My parents always let us know beforehand if they are free. They are not intrusive, but always there with help when we ask. They are just very emotionally stable, generous people and they make life easier rather than harder.

I wish the same could be said of all relatives and ILs!

JubileeTrifle · 30/12/2022 11:00

Be kind, be interested, know when to back off.
Understand that adults are able to make their own decisions, where to live, where to go on holiday, what to eat.

Their house is not owned by you in anyway. Like someone said, it’s not an extension of your home and doesn’t need to be decorated exactly the same (really!).

Just because someone is married to your child, does not make them your child in anyway, and you don’t get to tell them what to do.

Babdoc · 30/12/2022 11:02

I have 2 DDs in their 30s. Their partners are lovely chaps and I simply treat them as members of my family.
They both seem to love coming for visits, or for me to spend time with them - we live about 50 miles apart, so see each other fairly often.
I respect boundaries and don’t turn up uninvited or treat them as children.
DD1’s previous boyfriend said to me he wished things had worked out with DD as he thought I would have been a “brill mum in law”, but I think that was down to our shared love of Star Trek and all things geek!
With a sense of humour and genuine affection on both sides, you can always build a good relationship. I think difficult MILs usually have a subtext and are projecting their own issues, or have a personality disorder such as narcissism.

sorcerersapprentice · 30/12/2022 11:04

I'm making sure I teach DS all the life skills before he leaves home - how to clean, cook, iron, do his washing, change beds, manage money, basic DIY etc.
Any future DIL should not have to pick that up because he is incompetent.
I will step back and provide support when they need it

Cherrysoup · 30/12/2022 11:12

Make sure your ds is self sufficient re cooking/cleaning.
Don’t demand a newborn overnight or to stay for weeks to ‘help’ unless asked.
Don’t buy endless plastic tat or try to outdo your dc’s presents to their dc.
Wait to be asked to visit a newborn.
Don’t demand they come round every single week.
Don’t do firsts eg buy first shoes etc.

This is all from reading mumsnet! 🤣

TheTurn0fTheScrew · 30/12/2022 11:14

By maintaining interests away from the family. MIL and FIL retired at 55. When she gave up work she didn't take up hobbies, or see friends, and so looks to family members to provide all the interest in her life. She is a lovely lady but it gets a little overwhelming. She is very fit and healthy in her early 60s so it's not as though she needs practical support just yet.

rainydaysandcake · 30/12/2022 11:20

The opposite of my mum 😂

My mum didn't like my DH and wasn't welcoming, very rude etc because she thought he wasn't good enough. Now after 25 years she accepts him and realises he is an amazing husband/ father. But honestly I can never forget/ forgive how judgmental she was.

Also my mum has rarely been 'helpful' so although she lives 5 mins away I have never really felt any support or babysitting help etc.

So I am determined to be accepting, welcoming , and offer my support when ever I can - without being interfering. Who knows if I will succeed!

donttalkaboutbookclub · 30/12/2022 11:30

You need to make yourself like the person your dc has chosen, see the best in them, and see why they love them. If you don't, it leaks through everything so easily and poisons what could be a great relationship. Obviously different if they've chosen someone violent or abusive, but as long as they look after each other and there is love there, I will be fond of them.

JonSnowsCupbearer · 30/12/2022 11:31

Have my own full life, so my world isn't centred around my DC and they are all I have to think about.

Anewhoo · 30/12/2022 11:32

Nothing. I’d like to think I’m a pretty decent person. My parents and my in laws are, never had an issue.

user1474315215 · 30/12/2022 11:35

I am a MIL and, having read so many threads on here, I trod carefully to begin with. I was very open with my DIL and told her that I would do anything I could to support and help them but was concerned not overstep boundaries. We have an honest and open relationship and I know she would tell me if there was a problem. Five years and three DGC later we have a wonderful relationship and actively enjoy spending time together.

DowntonCrabby · 30/12/2022 11:36

I intend being an absolute delight, we’ll see how that works out in practice!

pursudebyablackdog · 30/12/2022 11:38

Don't be jealous that your son puts his wife first. Don't bang on about how wonderful your son is, just because he's doing what he should be doing ie parenting. If dh made so much as a cup of coffee I was told how lucky I was to have him! Dh changed a few nappies and apparently that was the mark of a 'wonderful' father.
Don't get involved or try meddling in your child's life.
My mil was a very sweet person, but she had some serious mental health issues, and it made life very difficult for us at times.

remembertogetmilk · 30/12/2022 11:48

Interesting question. When I became a daughter-in-law, I was young (and daft) and very respectful to my in-laws. I ignored lots of warning signs and I spent years welcoming them into my home while taking a lot of nastiness from them. A lot of negative comments on my looks, my parenting, my standards of housework, my personality, my financial planning..... It was deeply unpleasant at times.

I hope my DC choose partners that are more mature than I was and less likely to accept nastiness. So one way I plan to be a good mother in law is looking out for this attitude I used to have of accepting terrible behaviour and helping if I can. Otherwise just letting them live their own lives, make their own choices and own mistakes - give considered advice (when asked) and respect boundaries. But no one is perfect and I will fail some of the time. I hope to acknowledge that though and work through it with them. Who knows though? We might hate each other!

Chocchops72 · 30/12/2022 12:22

Don’t Give Unsolicited Advice. Ever.

My mil was one of the most restful people I know. She never gave advice and would never, ever presume to tell me if she thought I was doing anything wrong. My own mum is entirely the opposite and it’s just awful. She constantly gives advice, which just tells me ‘You can’t cope, you don’t know what you’re doing’. I find it very stressful after a lifetime of it, and restrict our time together as a result.

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