Is this a personality type / diagnosable thing?

[TheWayTheLightFalls]

Apologies, this may be long and also quite navel-gazing.

Basically, I feel like something is wrong with me / atypical and I can't put my finger on what. It bothers me more the older I get. The key things about me:

Very academic, always the top achiever in my year from day dot to my MA.

Friendships either very intense/almost romantic or non existent. Very isolated as a teen. I now have a circle of friends (I’m in my thirties) and people seem to seek me out for company but I’m always surprised and feel like I have to think through how to act with people.

Not much in the way of relationships before meeting and marrying DH.

Terrible at resolving conflict.

Obsessive - as a teenager I had a multi-year “crush” on a teacher that went way beyond normal - finding out where he lived, where his wife worked, his hobbies etc. As an adult I’ve reigned it in a bit but it’s the same again and again, in multi-year stages. No particular rhyme or reason as to the object of my attention.

Odd employment record - I can walk into most jobs quite easily because I can turn on - not charm exactly - but something like it at interviews, but I am then a terrible employee and seethe at being told what to do by people who are higher up but not very competent. I went self-employed early and created a job for myself where I could work from my home and set my own hours. Lots of happy clients. I now (through some strange circumstances) run a charity project and am apparently well-liked - I mainly work with volunteers and people happily work with me for years on end (so I can’t be that bad??!).

Very diligent, neurotic - if I promise someone something, personally or professionally, it will get done even if I’m practically walking on hot coals to make it happen. Couldn’t imagine ever saying “Hey, sorry, change of plan” even to good friends. Never late. Usually early to avoid being late.

Very anxious, in a way that seems disproportionate - so I rarely enjoy holidays, for example, because I’m worried about a (short) flight home with my young children. Even if it’s weeks away.

Any ideas? I feel, for example, like my intolerance to my children’s noise is extreme, and I can’t figure out if the issue is internal to me.

Maybe go to therapy and work through why you think something is wrong with you? What was your childhood like, good relationship with parents?

Have you looked at how ASD presents in girls/women?

This is pretty much me, so I'm going to watch this thread with interest!

I'm not a medical/ psychology professional. From my own personal navel gazing.

There are some ASD traits, but I reckon most people have some of those to some extent eg noise sensitivity) this is also an adhd trait.

Then there is Borderline personality disorder which resonates somewhat with me and what you say about relationships, but again not all the traits.

Sounds potentially autistic to me.

Maybe go to therapy and work through why you think something is wrong with you? What was your childhood like, good relationship with parents?

@BungleandGeorge my relationship with my parents was and remains very poor. They have their own issues (“verified” so to speak by disparate other relatives and friends). I was in intensive psychotherapy for years and suggested to my therapist that I may be on the spectrum @Thingsdogetbetter but she didn’t think that was likely. (Obviously she’s one person, who doesn’t assess autism for a living but…)

ASD - with bells on!

I think the being liked comment is really difficult - teen DD has the same traits and she can be lovely - but with diffuser teens years leaving their scars.

I'm very like this too. In the past I've had (diagnosed) depression and anxiety.

I feel I have traits of OCD, ASD, inattentive ADHD, and dyspraxia but don't entirely fit them.

Over the years I've built up my resilience and surrounded myself with people who love and accept me for who I am, which has helped a lot, especially with the 'long crushes' issue.

What you've written so far wouldn't exactly make me encourage you to seek assessment for something like autism. There's a lot of overlap between autistic traits and OCD, anxiety traits. I'd still suggest speaking to your GP/mental health team if you find yourself struggling in these areas.

Sounds like me, I have borderline personality disorder, apparently the quiet form. Have a look online. Embrace it, there's nothing wrong with you at all, we are unique 🥰 xxx

You could be me. The children's noise clinches it!

I think it's ADHD. Nothing here that suggests autism to me. The difficulty settling in mundane jobs, anxiety about travel and other logistical things, need to feel free, and intense friendships of one kind (while difficulty maintaining attention on a more dispersed group) seem very typical.

It might be useful to do some reading (I find PubMed as good a place to start as any), and if things ring true and you can afford it then see a private psychiatrist and consider trying a medication.

If you don't want to do that, then that's also fine and good. We're all a bit different. I don't think there's anything very concerning here.

the sensory and social communication issues are common with ASD

There are a few different things going on for you and I don't thing this entire set of issues or symptoms points at a particular label. You are a unique individual. You could work through understanding some of this in therapy.
Some of this does sound mildly ASD.
But keeping promises rigidly, never being late, conflict avoidance might point towards a fear of abandonment. The obsessional tendency suggests some issues with early attachment needs possibly. (I think I do this too). But it's not really appropriate to try to work this out on a public forum. Get some therapy. I don't think you have BPD as some other people have suggested. BPD is considered a serious mental health condition and you do not meet the criteria based on what you have said.

Thanks all - I’m currently dealing with my incredibly noisy/delightful children so reading but will re-read properly a bit later. To whoever asked - it does bother me, hugely, and I see it as something that needs solving or explaining. When I am “on” I can accomplish so, so much. But when I’m not it’s like wading through treacle. I can barely concentrate long enough to send an email. And the extremes are very wearing.

I was going to suggest ASD, but the last bit you say here about wading through treacle and replying to emails and hyper focusing on things is exactly like me and I have ADHD.

Look up executive dysfunction - it's a massive part of ADHD.

If you have extreme highs and lows, you could look up Bipolar disorder and see if you can relate but I'd still suggest speaking to health professionals so they can help guide you through these issues better.

Just your personality? Why does everyone like to be labelled these days?! Even if you get a diagnosed with something it won’t change the way you are so why look for it. Are you trying to excuse some of your behaviour traits? Just accept yourself in your own skin. We all have certain traits of adhd , autism , ocd ect but doesn’t mean we are on spectrum it’s just part of how we are. All humans are different it’s what makes life better

I’m a mental health professional. I really, really dislike labels but sometimes people find them helpful.

perhaps do some research on ASD - that’s not even to say that’s what’s going on here, but there may be coping techniques for when you feel overwhelmed etc that would be useful.

Probably autism.

That's often the problem when people can't put their finger on what's up

Just your personality? Why does everyone like to be labelled these days?! Even if you get a diagnosed with something it won’t change the way you are so why look for it. Are you trying to excuse some of your behaviour traits?

No. Looking for coping strategies, mainly. Plus just trying to understand myself - it really doesn’t make sense to me that one day I’m practically doing the work of the two people and the next I’m in the gutter.

You sound a lot like me, and I'm diagnosed autistic.

Ay I had the intense obsessive teacher thing horrendously- reigned it in but yet again experienced it in early 20s. Complete fantasy but felt real. Feel you on that one

Neurodivergent in some way. I'm autistic and some of this rings true of me but not all - ADHD and autism seem to have much more overlap these days than they used to. I would look at both of those and see if either or both fit.

I can really relate to what you said about job interviews but not being able to perform in the job, I also loathe being given advice or being told what to do by people I feel are less intelligent or incompetent.

And was told I probably have autism by mental health services.