Mid life malaise , please help

[goldennotyetoldie]

I've NC for this as I don't want it linked to my other posts as it's possibly outing and quite personal.

I'm late 50s fit and relatively healthy. I've got 2 lovely young adult kids, a lovely DH and a nice home. Financially OK. So I have it all.

BUT I feel so listless, directionless, unmotivated, like all the exciting parts of life are over. I've got no libido (on HRT including recently testosterone but it's done nothing yet), can't be arsed with most things that used to be fun, and just shuffle along daily. I've lost 2 friends the same age this year and another is on a life limiting timeline now, so I know how fragile life is and how precious. I've always been a 'cup half full' person. But now, I just feel like I'm winding down, never to re-energise.

I've tried HRT, exercise, doing daily gratitude, got a new (part time) job, given myself a stiff talking-to / kick up the arse (lots of times). But it all feels a bit 'meh' and just not happy.

Is this a mid life crisis?

It feels like when we are young, there is school, and education, the dreams of meeting someone and falling in love, then careers and jobs, and babies and busy family life. Then what ? It feels like a big blank map (or a void) stretching out in front of me. And I have no idea how long I have to navigate it. What are the next big milestones? All negative.
Kids leave home - empty nest
Elderly friends and relatives gradually dying off
Retire - financially constrained
Fitness - declines
DH dies (men often go first)
Care home?

It's just not as appealing as being young and having an exciting life stretching out ahead, is it?

Anyone got suggestions, experiences (and positive stories) to share please. I really need the help of the vipers, particularly the older ones who are successfully navigating the same?

Anyone else feeling the same?

I know I'm luckier than most people on the planet and that makes me feel even worse that I can't delight in what I have and what's to come.

I feel a bit the same ATM op. We've got to the point in life where we are facing the reality of who we are rather than dreaming about what we are going to be. And psychologically speaking, apparently the thing that creates happiness and fulfillment is anticipation of, and striving for something, rather than the actual fulfillment of a goal.

And real old age is tough. We have it easy for the moment in a way if our health is ok!

I also have an awareness of life being fragile and precious. DH and I also lost a good friend in the pandemic and life doesn't feel the same without them.

I know lots of people who feel the same as us and I can't gauge whether this is a post-pandemic phenomenon, or symptom, or something else?

Personally I am going to start writing a gratitude journal every night, exercising more, and take some antidepressants and see if they help.

And then find new goals. One related to helping others. Another mastering a skill I have always been interested in.

Increasingly, being with my animals helps but they also create a lot of work (horses) and I don't have any easy answers.

Wishing you the very best.

I have a lot of sympathy with your post. Feeling similar and trying to fight it. Except, I had never realised what you;ve articulated which is the next big milestones are all declines.

What I do feel is a deep restlessness to do things before I get too old and infirm. there are places in the world I want to see, hikes I want to do while I can still walk the distance, a few life goals I've still not achieved that I want to have another try at.

Downsizing after empty nest can be a chance to live in a new place, in a different design of home. There's still a lot of fresh new things to try. I bloody wish I had more energy and drive to activate them, but they are out there.

I may as well say I am 61.
At some point in the last 12 months, my thoughts switched around.
It is now, I have 20 or 30 years left hopefully. What do I want to do/achieve/be with the rest of the years I have left. And baring in mind likely declining health somewhere along the line.
Has helped and is helping me to really focus.
I am a Christina which helps too, in lots of ways.

You may be having a mid life crisis.

FWIW, and I know this does not apply to everyone, I feel better now than I did say 10 years ago. I have learnt to rest more as well as take as much sleep as I need.
I stay in bed in the mornings that little bit longer so I have more time to myself, and have hopefully adequately rested.

I’m in my 40’s and think like this. The only thing that keeps me going is travelling. I want to travel the world!

I'm early 50's and feel the same. I've not really been myself since my daughter left for uni. I exercise most days and this does help. But I'm struggling to find any joy in life.

It sounds like you need a new purpose or goal. You could try a few sessions with a life coach to explore what these could be.

I completely understand. I'm 48 and have a wonderful life on paper but just feel so flat. Are you able to change your perspective? Yes it's a new phase of your life with children grown up etc but it also means for the first time in years you have more time for you, to follow your interests or develop new ones. For example, would you like to travel? My parents hired a camper van and travelled all over Australia and New Zealand at 60. They also went to South America and did the Inca trail. It was much easier for them once we'd left home. My mum learnt a new language and how to play the piano. They both made new friends. I certainly had no sense that their lives were over with nothing to look forward to. It seemed like a time for adventures.

You lot are wonderful and made me cry. Again

Knowing I'm not alone is a comfort. And knowing I'm not completely mad or self indulgent helps too. My heart goes out to you all.

I've just gone back to work after an 8 month break (redundant from old job , or rather managed out by a bastard bossbut my shit hot lawyer got a good payout) DH and I rested a lot over summer. And frittered it away a bit.

The idea of travel is appealing. Maybe planning a series of 'big' trips to aim for?

Interesting to hear that anticipation is the best bit, that resonated.

I need a plan.

Me too. It’s the only thing I visualize doing with my life that would make happy.

OP - I think travel (maybe to somewhere you wouldn’t ordinarily think of) May give you a boost? Travel really helps me to discover parts of myself that lay dormant during the ordinary course of day-to-day life. I’m a very free spirited and detached person, and so travel is something I crave.

A plan is good. Have another go at your milestones list, to see if you can find opportunities in those events - kids leaving home and retirement could mean free and flexible time rather than loneliness and constraint. Admittedly there's not much positive in older friends and relatives dying, but you can make plans to spend time with them before they do, to find out and record their stories and things about your family history that might otherwise be lost.

There are some great books by James Hollis on finding meaning in mid life - I liked Through The Dark Wood on Audible which I think is available as a book called Finding Meaning In The Second Half of Life. He has a very inspiring belief that it’s only in the second half of life that we can really become ourselves.

I started feeling like this late 40s/early 50s. I have no DC and realised that life is mapped out for us with a series of standard goals (education, first job, relationship, house, DCs) and I had achieved all of them that I was going to bar paying off the mortgage and early retirement (which I had always planned for and dreamt of) and I was on track to do that in my mid 50s. I think this is why so many people live through their DGCs to do it all again vicariously.

Anyway, I am now mid 50s and things got much much worse. I have been surrounded by illness and death for the last few years and am now a widow on my own in the world. I am struggling with a sense of purpose, which I know is what I am missing, but even the whole ‘volunteer, help others’ thing seems pointless when everyone is just going to suffer and die anyway. Oddly enough I don’t think I am depressed though, I have just had an extreme face to face encounter with reality and grief in the last few years.

I am not out of the woods yet, but am consciously working on it. I have set up a spreadsheet with a heading for each area of my life that needs attention (social and leisure, sorting out my parent’s estate, maintaining the house, exercise etc) and each month I set goals at the start of the month and then review what I have achieved and how I feel (and I mean feel in an emotional sense) at the end of the month. It shows me that I have made progress, that I am feeling better and gives me hope for the future. I am starting to find my feet a bit more.

Good luck OP, you are not alone in this!

I feel similar. I have just received treatment for complex ptsd and whilst it’s lovely to not be constantly hyper vigilant after a lifetime of it, I do feel flat and sad at the moment. I’m planning to make exercise a daily priority as that always helps, including wild water dipping which really lifts my mood. My closest friends are not an available weekly like we used to be when the kids are young so even though they’re still really good friends, I miss the automatic weekly catch up. I’m setting a monthly something to look forward to. Already got a date in the diary to go to Xmas market next December. Panto date also in the diary. I’m doing 3 long running events dotted throughout the year and going to plan a couple of weekends away. Lockdown showed me that even though I find it stressful too, not having something little to look forward to depresses me. I used to rely on my friends to organise something with but I’m learning to do it just by myself or with my DH and the kids, as they’re getting old as my friends are busy and struggle to commit.

Also as pp said having animals helps. They make more work but also bring joy. We’ve got chickens and cats and although I moan about having to go and see to the chickens, I love watching them peck about. I didn’t realise what joyous pets they are till I got them.

I'm 50s and anticipating feeling like this this year when I stop working.

I think it is all about a period of adjustment. Working out how we want to spend our time and what makes us happy.

I have a list on my phone of things I want to do (learn to use my sewing machine, go to a comedy club for example), people I want to visit, places I want to visit (a very long list), books I want to read. I keep adding to it when I think of something

I don't want to return to the workplace because I haven't worked out my new life and habits so will work hard on making sure my new norms in my non working life is much more enjoyable.