Terrible parent. How to change?

[LuckyLucyLeo]

Basically I'm a terrible parent. I try to practice gentle parenting. But it's like a constant battle. I want to stay calm but I'm constantly at breaking point. I then have to battle with my inner thoughts.

For example. Child not putting shoes on or getting dressed fast enough, making us late. (My fault, I should allow more time, should have firmer boundaries in the morning etc). I get annoyed that we will be late. Today for example I'd booked a soft play as a treat. The running late really stressed me out. Money is very tight & I was annoyed we would miss a lot of our pre-booked session. Then I result is threats. We won't go/you'll miss out/it'll be shut by the time we get there.

I don't know why, I always feel like I end up threatening with a punishments. It feels spiteful. There's always a spiteful thought in my head I'm fighting against.

If you don't share/say please/tidy up..
I'll put it in the bin/we won't go/etc.

One thing I've managed to stick to, father Christmas isn't based on behaviour. I've somehow managed to never threaten no presents/cancel Christmas. And I've corrected other adults when they've said "if you aren't good Santa won't bring you any presents".

I hate having to fight these mean spiteful thoughts. And if I'm honestly.. it's a losing battle.

I'm guessing this comes from my childhood/how I was patented. I honestly don't remember much though..

I want to be more understanding. Kinder. I want my kids to have a lovely childhood. How do I go about it? I know all about the gentle parenting. It's the implementation I struggle with.

Sorry to go on. Another example. DD screaming/tantruming. Could be any reason. I try to name the emotion. Let her ride it out. But I always seem to get to the point where I have to tell her to be quiet. Enough in enough. Stop crying etc.

I don't want to damage her. I hate seeing her sucking back the tears, when I tell her to stop crying. I just can't seem to get it right,

I just want to be better at this.

Hi @LuckyLucyLeo. You’re not a terrible parent. It sounds like your daughter is maybe 3? It’s a tough age, tantrums, too little for much reasoning/bribery/threats but too big to be easily carried away etc. I wouldn’t put too much pressure on yourself re gentle parenting, it’s normal and healthy to sometimes be tough on your child, and it puts pressure on you to be saintly which no one is. I would say 1) pick a few important things and set and maintain boundaries re these eg no hitting (by child obviously!) 2) pick a few habits you want to instil and do a star chart eg pick up toys at end of day, five stars = small reward 3) do a few regular things with your child you both enjoy eg crafting 4) don’t be too hard on yourself, it’s miserable and makes you stressed - no one is perfect all the time and you have to get stuff done like cooking dinner which will not always be what your daughter wants, do some nice things for yourself too! Good luck🍀

I think you need to work on the triggers more. There will be stress points that you can manage better to stop the likelihood of meltdowns. You probably won’t be able to stop them altogether but you can certainly cut the tantrums down and relieve your stress.

For example the shoes. I would have just said well put on the shoes when we get there and put the child in the car with the shoes in the footwell. Same with coat.

Instead of punishments I give consequences which enables them to change their own behaviour (or not). For example the sharing. If I wanted to encourage sharing and the child would not entertain it I wouldn’t take the object away and cause an almighty tantrum. I’d say that if the child wasn’t able to share today then tomorrow unfortunately I’d have to put the toy away or similar. So the battle of wills isn’t happening in that moment but there is a consequence to the poor behaviour (I’m not sure I would see not sharing as poor behaviour but that’s an example you gave as undesirable).

In our home the children earn screen time by doing the set school work such as reading. So I get that out the way using the screens as a carrot. Then I will usually put a limit on the time they get on screens and if (my current problem) the Nintendo is causing massive dramas they will lose the Nintendo the following day. I’m not wrestling to get it out of their hands in the moment. Plus I always follow through so they know there’s no point arguing with me.

i do sometimes allow they to ‘earn privileges back’. They might decide to do something over and above to get into my good books. Write some amazing story or something or a load of extra reading and I’ll give them the thing back early and most of the time that works well but I know it depends on the ages of the children.

Lastly I always stay very calm. Getting cross tends to be fuel on the fire so I say what I need to say and then not much more.

First of all, go easy on yourself. You’re not a terrible parent. You sound stressed out already so the tiniest thing is going to tip you over the edge.

Two days ago I was angry at my partner. That manifested as short-temperedness with my DC. Yesterday, I had a lovely afternoon with my friend. I was in such a good mood that when DC tantrummed about not being allowed a biscuit I laughed and distracted him. No drama.

My point being, if there are things you can do to alleviate your own stress / pressure on yourself, do them. It sounds like factoring in more time to get somewhere could be a good place to start?

There are a billion tips and tricks out there. Some will work for your kids and some won’t. But look after yourself first and the rest will follow!

On a practical level, mine respond better to either / or options when they’re disinclined towards something. So “Would you like to walk to put your shoes on or race to put your shoes on?” “Do you want to brush your teeth in front of the mirror or while reading a story?” No doubt you’ve tried similar, but just thought I’d add in case that’s helpful!

A lot of these can be phrased positively. Ie … if we get our shoes on quickly there will be more fun time at soft play. Let’s do screen time once you’ve tidied that away. Lots of praise when she uses please and thsnkyou. Roll model the behaviour you want from her

I used to pretend a camera crew was filming me for a How to be a Good Parent series. It really focused me on keeping patient and praising at every opportunity.

Following because I'm in the same boat. I could have written the OP! I so want to be a calm parent but I'm a shouter and am very triggered when I am late/stressed. I feel like my parenting is getting worse as my DV are older (5 and 7) and sibling rivalry rears its ugly head. I just don't know what to do a lot of the time!

I love the idea of parenting like there's a camera crew around. I sometimes imagine myself on Supernanny and think she'd have a field day

I don't think I am a super parent but I don't think I am terrible either. I am sure I did loads of the wrong things because gentle parenting hadn't been invented when I started parenting. I don't think there's anything wrong with gentle parenting but I do think the gentle has to start with you, so if it's making you think you are terrible you aren't being gentle enough . It's not spiteful to get frustrated when a three year old won't put their shoes on. There may be a good reason for them doing things slowly. But you also had good reasons to feel frustrated. Your feelings matter too. Of course shouting at the three year old won't get the shoes on faster so if you can vent IRL or on here that's probably better but it's completely normal to feel pissed off that three year olds are so bloody three all the time. I think over the last mumble years of parenting the main thing I have learnt is to bite my tongue. But I still think aaargh sod off, stop telling me about this you are boring me to tears at least 50 times a day. And when they argue I am afraid I have taught them the phrase snitches get stitches - there are three of them, they need to sort it out themselves, though when littler I did break up physical fights. As far as I can tell they are happy, healthy people. I probably threatened that Santa wouldn't bring presents sometimes too. But Santa always did bring presents and always will because bottom line they are in actual fact the three best people in the whole wide world and I am fairly sure they know this because I say it a lot and knowing that counts for a lot. If you tell your DD that too I am fairly sure she will survive the odd time you snap over shoe putting on.

I think it's definitely a lot to do with your own mood. I remember going to a talk on parenting in my dcs school. All lined up waiting for answers and he said you may not like what l am going to say. And it was about our own level of stress. Do we exercise? Take time for ourselves? Take on too much? When we are in a good place we can cope with so much more.

This is a great idea! I’m definitely a better parent when there are other people around, ha.

I think it’s ok to be yourself a bit more. If you’re not naturally a permissive/gentle parent type and it winds you up just be a bit more authentic. Id say I’m lovely to my children 98% of the time-kind, patient, engaged etc but when they behave badly I’m firm and uncompromising. Seems to work- the kids are well behaved and happy (7 and nearly 4- might need to change it up as they get older).

And totally agree with the point about exercise etc, I’m nicest to them after an hour of really intense cardio with the endorphins flying about.