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Original poster

MILs: how far away could your adult son move?

77 replies

CurlyClairey · 29/12/2022 19:36

Right here’s the scenario. You have a married adult son who wants to buy a bigger house with his wife. He’s always lived within a few streets of you. You’re in you late 60s if that matters. You’re fit and healthy, married yourself and have a good circle of friends but you enjoy regularly popping into adult son’s house throughout the week. How far away could your son move from you before you kick up a fuss about it?? MIL thinks us moving 20 minutes drive away is the end of the world and is NOT happy. Weve offered to continue visiting but she’s saying we’re “moving away”. I can’t see why she can’t just drive the 20 minutes to pop round when she wants to anyway??? What does everyone else think?

OP posts:
Veryfishy · 29/12/2022 20:54

DS lives about 180 miles away , and will probably move a little further away when he settles down ( we live in South Wales , he lives and works in London , his GF mum lives in Suffolk , I’d imagine they’ll want to be be closer to her when they have children )

RobinStrike · 29/12/2022 20:58

After leaving university I never lived closer than a 2 hour drive from my parents. I would have liked to be closer, and it did mean my children were never as close to their grandparents as I would have liked, and missed the bond my siblings' children who lived 20 minutes away had. But we didn't live near either set of grandparents and I do think they missed out. 20 minutes though is nothing! Easy for visits and babysitting.

HelloBunny · 29/12/2022 21:04

My mum is the same since my sister bought her new house, about a half hour drive away.

“But we couldn’t possibly go over... They live so far away!” You’d think they lived in Timbuktu.

HamBone · 29/12/2022 22:59

I’d never say it, but I’d secretly be abit worried if my DC never moved away geographically from us for at least a few years. I’d feel that I’d let them down if they didn’t feel able to do this.

Mind you, our family is v. scattered, everyone seems to have a wanderlust so it’s normal in our family to move away.

Dontlistitonfacebook · 29/12/2022 23:03

Mine moved 4500 miles away (to his wife's country). Of course I miss them but I am happy that they are happy.

Greenfairydust · 29/12/2022 23:22

Any distance. Including another country.

It is ridiculous to think a parent should be dictating where their adult children can or can't live.

Sounds like a selfish drama queen who should be ignored...

Luredbyapomegranate · 29/12/2022 23:22

Australia if you want

You know she’s being unreasonable, you just have to be firm and manage it.

Remaker · 29/12/2022 23:28

None of my business where my children want to move to when they’re adults. I’ve never lived closer than 90 mins from my parents since I left home at 18. DH lives on the opposite side of the world to his family. My brother lives on the opposite side of the world to ours.

StillMedusa · 29/12/2022 23:45

My DS1 moved to the opposite side of the world to be with his (now) wife.
I miss him very very much.
BUT... he loves it there, his wife's family are his family too, he's happy so I'm happy. I absolutely adore his wife, and she just happens to be an Aussie so there we are.
We have video calls, and every other year we are going out there..next summer they are coming to us . I'd love it if they moved back, but it's their life not mine!

Your MIL is ridiculous. Ignore!

Milkand2sugarsplease · 29/12/2022 23:52

Adult children can do whatever the bloody hell they want, anywhere in the world. Parents can "not like it" and can voice their opinion but they can't do much about it.

Tell her it was a choice of 2 - 1 a couple of hours away and the one 20 mins away and she should consider herself lucky the local one worked out the winner.

UnicornRidge · 30/12/2022 02:11

Do we share the same MIL?

My DH can invigilate this reaction. So....
We bought a house 1hr drive away, moved in, then informed her. She broke down in tears. 😛FIL told us to never sell as it is in a very good location.

Walnutwhipsarenothesame · 30/12/2022 02:29

I can’t believe your MIL thinks like this. I live 400 miles from one son . I would never insist he live near me to suit my needs. I moved to the same town as my parents years ago. Within two years I was NC as some other posters have said. We moved away again . Then came back years later. NC again. Familiarity breeds contempt sometimes. These days it’s easy to FaceTime and get around pretty easily. I would be moving a lot further if I were you.

eenymeenymineymo · 30/12/2022 02:40

I live miles & miles from eldest DS too, maybe 8-9 hours non-stop driving, so understandably we dont get to see him that often. Cheaper & easier for us to go to him actually as we fly there & get a rental car.
But his daughter & his partners family are there & he's happy. End of.

I hope that all my adult kids think I've brought them up to get out & explore the world & not stay where they were born just to keep me& their Dad happy.
We each have one chance at this (our own ie) life, so live where you want & be as happy as you can 🙂

Ihadenough22 · 30/12/2022 04:18

You mother in law is acting like a spoilt child. Your planning to move to a new house what 20 mins to 30 mins drive from where you currently live. You want to move house for any number of family reasons. Meanwhile she is only in her late 60's and in good health.
Perhaps she expected in time that she could move in with you. Maybe she thought you be around provide care or be her taxi service.
I know some people who as they got older became very selfish and expected that sons, daughter's and family members could drop all to help them out. Meanwhile they had very little understanding or consideration that their family members were working full time, possibly doing extra professional course's, had to travel for work and that their kids came before mil, fil or elderly relations.

The reality is that you and your husband could decide to move abroad and not just 20/30 mins away. Your can't put your life or families life on hold to suit your mil. Your husband should tell her that a lot of people now have family abroad and not 30 mins away and he has to do what's best for his family.

Bananasweetlady · 30/12/2022 04:37

Not married but in a long term relationship of 5 years - my DS lives 7 hour drive away. I miss him alot . We speak nearly every second or third day on the Whats App though.
My DChildren can live anywhere they like. I would prefer if they live near me but it's up to them. I have three older brothers who all moved away, one about 4 hours , one seven hours and one away in Sweden. The main reason for this was Thatcher's unemployment our home area . They naturally met their wives where they worked and settled.I stay near my DP and after my DF died , I was expected to stay and care for my DM . I am glad I did this as she thoroughly enjoyed my children ( her DGC) in her last few years. I was really resentful of my brothers at the time tbh, as I wanted to move away from our home town too. ( I did before my children for ten years and when my DM died to where I live now). The only thing I don't feel settle with is that I fear my son is in quite an abusive relationship. I have opened the door for him to talk to me about it but he isn't ready , so what can I do . Wait and hope. Anyway nothing to do with what you asked . Would be happy for m kids wherever they choose to live. But would secretly like them nearish me .

StrawHatOnTheParcelShelf · 30/12/2022 04:45

CurlyClairey · 29/12/2022 20:01

Thanks everyone! I genuinely can’t see the issue and wanted to double check I wasn’t being heartless. Husband really wants to move but feels bad for his mother. Her main concerns seem to be that she’s “getting older” and doesn’t want to have to rely on driving to get to us forever, doesn’t like using the motorway (because it’s too fast) so she’d use smaller roads and that would take longer than 20 minutes, she doesn’t yet know the roads, she doesn’t like parking on streets she doesn’t know and our drive would only be big enough for our two cars so she’d have to always phone in advance to get us to move a car, and mainly just the fact we’re “moving awaaaay”. I suggested she just get taxis to come and visit when she likes and we can visit her too on the weekend. Currently she’s very unhappy with us.

Ugh, after hearing all that shite I'm surprised you didn't agree to scrap the move and start looking for an off grid cabin in the Arctic Circle instead.

Bananasweetlady · 30/12/2022 04:52

Ps. Op ! Your MIL sounds a right Dramalama! I would maybe move a bit further than that ! Honestly, she sounds awful and very selfish.

ExhaustedFlamingo · 30/12/2022 05:11

Eh, I don't know, there's some funny views on this thread.

Of course MIL doesn't get to choose where you live. Absolutely, you decide where you live. It doesn't matter if she "kicks off". 20 minutes is fine imo, but I guess if she's always had him close, it might take a bit of adjusting for her. Change can feel scary, especially as you start to get older and even the nicest people can sometimes get a bit flappy about things which really are non-events.

Make your own decisions but give her a bit of time, and if she's normally a reasonable person, she'll calm down.

However, all of that said I don't think there's anything wrong with mums/daughters/sons who like to live nearby and pop in to see each other regularly. I actually think it's lovely - and I would do anything for my dad to still be alive to have him just popping round again. If that doesn't suit your family dynamic, then fine. But all these sniffy comments about having family close by really isn't very nice at all. Children aren't dysfunctional if they don't choose to move away. Do what's right for you but looking down on others who prefer closer family bonds is just horrible imo.

kingtamponthefurred · 30/12/2022 05:22

In your position, I'd be looking for a house on the Moon.

IamSamantha · 30/12/2022 06:05

This would give me reason to move further away. Far to controlling. Dc can go wherever they want but I would be visiting them. 20mins is ridiculously near.

Londonnight · 30/12/2022 06:12

20 minutes is nothing! All my children live more than 20 minutes away from me, including one that lives in Canada. It is hard when your child moves away, but you make the most of it. I have had some fantastic holidays in Canada over the years.
I would never make my children feel guilty about wherever they want to live.

Your MIL is completely unreasonable.

Autumnisclose · 30/12/2022 06:12

As far as he liked. Of course I'd be upset if he went abroad , but I wouldn't tell him that.

Talapia · 30/12/2022 06:46

Wow, thay is unreasonable. One of mine is a flight away and the other about 40 mins by car..

ChessieDarling · 30/12/2022 06:55

She’s being daft. We floated the idea of moving to New Zealand a couple of years ago (while we were out there working actually, the ‘plan’ would’ve been to have just not come back) and, while she said how much she’d miss us, she never actually said anything negative about the potential move at all. That’s the way of it with adult children, they grow up and make their own life and their own choices. It’s very unfair to put pressure on them one way or another.
We decided against it in the end as I didn’t want to be raising our (at the time, hypothetical) children away from family who loved them and would bring so much to their lives. Im glad we made the decision we did, DS is very lucky to have the grandparents, and wider family, that he does.

eyope · 30/12/2022 06:59

Well his mother will learn that disappointment is a natural part of life and she needs to just get over it. If she really loves her son, his happiness and that of his wife/children should be enough reason to be supportive. She's the heartless and selfish one - using her child as hobby and partner replacement because she cant be bothered to make a life of her own is bad parenting. Don't pander to it. She'll be fine in time, this is just a power play where she's trying her luck and pushing to see how far she can take it. There's no way she'd cut contact with her son (she has no one else anyway) so ignore the dramatics and posturing.

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