I enjoyed Christmas - and feel a teeny bit guilty

[tomissmymum]

DM, 57, dementia in a care home - my head’s been in an absolute mess all year, I’ve spent most of this year in a traumatised fog .

I’ve not enjoyed Christmas for the last few years at all, I’ve been so wrapped up in mum’s needs, I’ve bought and wrapped my own presents, it’s just been shit the last 5 years, and tbh I haven’t felt happy in a long time anyway. I haven’t had fun in ages and ages .

My mum’s extended family asked if I could spend Christmas with them this year, they arranged accommodation and I travelled down and I feel a bit guilty as I had a bloody brilliant time, I spent the whole week laughing, meeting people, socialising, parties, presents, lunch out, eating - I really, really enjoyed every moment . Felt loved, supported, and wanted by everyone around me .

I’d forgotten what it felt like to feel that way .

There were moments I was tearful and struggled a bit, had a cry on xmas eve and again early xmas morning - but they passed and I was able to enjoy myself properly.

I feel like I should have been missing my mum more and I do, I keep wanting to phone her to tell her all about it but obviously can’t - she can’t talk really anymore and doesn’t recognise me much at all … is it OK that I had fun? I’m going to visit her next week hopefully and not imagining that’ll be easy at all.

Of course it’s ok that you had fun. Assuming your mum was a good mum that loved you and wanted the best for you, that’s exactly what she’d have wanted.

Good for you, I say. And good for them wanting to support you. Sad as it is your Mum will be non the wiser. Keep in touch with them and become more involved. It's the closest your going to get to your mother.

It sounds like you absolutely deserved a wonderful and fun Christmas. Please don’t feel guilty, I don’t think it would have made much difference to your mum whether you were with her on that particular day or not - and it has obviously made a big difference to you. I’m so sorry your mum has dementia. It must be incredibly hard.

Of course it is.

My mum dies earlier this year and I was dreading Christmas and couldn't get into the spirit at all.

I actually had a lovely few days.

One thing my mum was always able to tell us (she died of cancer) was that the last thing she wanted was us to be miserable and unhappy and wallow around missing her.

Obviously I miss her and have some real bad moments like I'm sure you have.

I I also bet of your mum still could she'd tell you how happy she is that you're happy

You've been through a really hard time, you deserved a break. Your mums family must have been able to see that too, as it sounds as though they really wanted to support you.

OP this has been a lovely post. Obviously I'm so sorry about your mum I totally understand we are going through similar but I loved how much of a good time you had with family. So many posts on here complaining about extended family it was lovely to hear yours were so kind and came through for you when you needed them.

Well done for having a good time! She'd be happy for you.

If you were my daughter, I would be so happy that you had a lovely time. I wouldn’t want you to feel sad and alone thinking of me. I’m sure your mum would feel the same.

You needed some fun and respite so much! Please don’t feel guilty 💐

Please don’t feel guilty, your mum would want you to be happy

It's refreshing to see someone who has actually had a great time and saying they enjoyed every second. You sound like a good person and that you needed it. Stay close to your extended family - they sound lovely and as they they will be a great comfort to you. Do not feel guilty!! It's not anyone's fault this has happened to your Mum. Life is for living, the best way you can. Having fun doesn't mean you don't care. So little joy in the world right now - embrace and relish every second of joy that comes your way!

I filled with tears reading this. I'm so happy you had a good time op xxx

It’s absolutely what your mum would want for you OP ❤️ Don’t feel any guilt at all. You deserve some happiness.

It was an opportunity for you to recharge your batteries, which will help both you and your Mum for the next while. Look at it as a positive thing for both of you.

If I was your DM I'd want this for you. You deserve it. The family sound just what you needed. Perhaps they can spend time with you and you with them during the year too. In your shoes I'd be slowly building up the bond with them and planning next Christmas.
Family doesn't have to be a son or daughter to count. I have four great nieces that I absolutely adore. We are very close, despite me having DH, 3DC and a huge immediate family.

Sounds like you needed/deserved it. If she’s anything like my mil, your mum won’t even realise who you are, it was bloody hard work visiting when she had no idea who we were, absolutely heartbreaking. Don’t feel even slightly guilty, why shouldn’t you enjoy yourself?

Don't feel bad in any way. If you have not done so already, thank your mum's extended family for all they did for you.

As a mum myself this is exactly what I would want for my daughter to feel loved, supported and enjoy her Christmas! Glad you have such a lovely time :)

is it OK that I had fun?

Of course, it's right and proper that you should have fun while you can.

Id go further and say that it's even your duty to live an enjoyable life.

You will of course feel sorry sometimes for what your DM is missing out. Joining her will not help her, instead, go out and enjoy yourself on behalf of both of them.

Happy New Year and all the best