Christmas Eve row - where do we all go from here?

[Cluelessat33]

Long story somewhat short. My Mum is a functioning alcoholic. Our childhood was hideous. Both my parents were heavy drinkers when I was small. My Dad went t total what I was about 11. Mum continued to drink. And despite being much better now, can still be vile when she's had a few. I'm one of 4 sisters. Life was fraught when going up. I took a lot of responsibility growing up shielding my little sister from it. Trying to resolve arguments. Coming between them in physical fights, baring the brunt of my mother's alcoholic rage when my dad worked away. Caring for my little sis and often my Mum when too pissed to function. My older sisters had left home at this time, but tried their best from afar.

After a few years of limited contact after I left home. I have built a reasonably good relationship with my parents. I suppose in my head i see the parents of my youth as different people to those I know now. It helps me accept things better. they have been incredibly supportive since my marriage fell apart.

We have had several years of rubbish Christmas, like most. 2019 my marriage was on the rocks and it unravelled over the Christmas period. 2020 obviously covid. 2021 we all came together again, but ended up giving each other covid. So we were all looking forward to this year. My daughter was with me, as me and her dad alternate Christmas.

So we meet up. They are both clearly in a foul mood. I can tell my mum is in that mood. 13 of us head to the pub, have a few drinks. Lots of tense comments, my dad makes comments about me and my sister pouring alcohol down my mums throat (not true I didn't buy her a single drink). They are both terrible company, they complain about the noise the kids are making, and shout at them constantly.

We go home, everyone is feeling fraught. I overhear my Dad making a comment about Mum topping up her booze levels. And I lost my temper. I called him out on his mood, about him holding me and my sister responsibility for my mother's actions. I quiz him about what the problem was and why there was so much issue with the kids being excited at Christmas. I beg him to stop and to try and let everyone enjoy the period. Probably not the best delivery, but things that needed to be said. I told him I ended my marriage to avoid this sort of environment, and I wouldn't tolerate it for my daughter.

My other sisters sat down with them both and tried to talk things through with the pair of them. But like all other conversations like this over the years, it is clear there issues are deep seated and unlikely to be addressed. We quietly mutually agreed to put it aside and enjoy Christmas Day. But much was said that wasn't properly resolved. And decades of hurt are still sitting in the corner.

To be honest I don't know where to go from here. in the past I would have pretended nothing had happened and got on with life. But I jyst don't know if I can do that. They have caused me immense pain over the years and I'm frustrated that the cycle of confrontation and then ignoring will continue. But I don't see any scope for anything else. The minute others confront them about their behaviour, they will come together and blame everyone around them, rather than face up to the myriad of issues. I an however fed up of turning a blind eye to their toxic behaviour. I spent too many years feeling responsibility for my Mums behaviour, and I'm so angry that my dad feels the need to continue to blame us rather than actually confront the real issue. Particularly as he is often more than happy to enable her to allow himself a quiet life.

How do i proceed? Be gentle, I'm feeling fragile.

I’m so sorry. I have a very similar situation that blew up this time last year after my mum became verbally abusive to me and my sister when our children were present. She’s been getting steadily more belligerent in drink for the last few years which makes for unpleasant get togethers when she goes off on illogical rants on various topics, but this was the first time she’d been outright abusive to us personally.

We decided to try and talk to them about it rather than pretend it didn’t happen (always my father’s preference to avoid having to criticise my mother in any way shape or form). It didn’t go well. Refuses to acknowledge that alcohol is an issue. Down to anxiety and disassociation - no memory of it etc.

They’ve spent the rest of the year building a narrative that we are awful ungrateful daughters that have bullied their mentally unwell mother. They announced they would be travelling on and off for the next two years and ‘taking themselves out of the equation” for Christmas from now on as “they’re too scared of saying the wrong thing” - this passive aggressive victim/martyr mentality was a big part of my childhood.

But I was lucky that they were mostly very supportive parents in lots of ways. It’s hard to let go of that. I have a constant knot of sadness in the pit of my stomach but I know that’s part of the punishment they’re meeting out for daring to speak up.

A year on I can say that keeping visits short and light with no alcohol has been how I’ve handled it. It’s ok but a very far cry from the big family get togethers and closeness we used to have. My brother in law won’t see them at all unless they apologise which makes it much harder for my sister.

I hope you find a way through. X

Thank you to a lot of your responses and apologies for not mentioning all of those who have given helpful advice.

We have on MANY occasions tried to raise this. Too many to list. They have always been received in the same way. Deep down I believe she knows she has a problem, but her problem is not only with alcohol. I believe she suffers with depression. She will absolutely not accept she ever does anything wrong, and will respond defensively to any slight suggestion of criticism. I have never once heard her apologies for anything that has happened or any of the shit that has gone down. So I'm sure you can imagine how conversations regarding alcoholism have gone down. Excessively badly.

Things had seemed to improve immensely over the last few years and after years and years of heartache and family meltdowns, we were just enjoying trying to on the face of it be a normal-ish family that could do normal things together. Usually we'd all jyst try to ignore small blips like this. But after so many tough Christmases for us all I think we all jyst lost our patience with it this year.

So for those who questioned taking an alcoholic to a pub please try to remember that after decades of being that family, with all the shit and baggage, it is nice on occasion to at least try and pretend we are normal. Even if it does backfire. I'm also not prepared to be an apologist or scapegoat for an adult. I'm 33 and can make my own choices and she is an adult and can make her own. The battle over her relationship with alcohol is not one I'm willing to take one, after so many failed attempts to try to help and so many years of beating myself up for failing to do anything about it.

@Invisablewoman I wanted to respond to you because everything you said hit home so forcefully. I fully anticipate that they will have left this weekend with the mindset that we cornered them, were unfair, ungrateful etc etc.

My sister is set on talking to them, but after so many failed attempts to get either of them to see or acknowledge the damage that has been done over the years, I don't hold out much hope. Which makes me incredibly sad, because actually on a one to one basis they are great. They have been so helpful with my daughter, as I'm a single Mum. I love them immensely, but the now v. then narrative I had created in my head, where I essentially see them as completely different people, has been shattered, and what I really see is that nothing has changed at all, we jyst keep quiet and pretend nothing is wrong or act the clown to diffuse the situation, or at least attempt to.

My husband was emotionally and verbally abusive, and I did a lot of work after my marriage broke down, attending the freedom programme etc. But so much of the dysfunction I read about I saw in certain aspects of my parents behaviour, and I don't know how much of that I can unsee, despite trying very hard to do so.

I agree therapy is probably a good course of action, but as a single Mum in a cost of living crisis, this financial commitment, which I know it will be because I've looked into it in the past, is completely out of the question.