If you’re a popular person, how do you do it?

[Grimblygrumbly]

Just that really; if you’re a popular person, how do you do it? Are you constantly putting in lots of effort with others? Do you strive to make new friendships? Do you consistently brush up on your social skills? I struggle so badly in these areas and just wonder how others with multiple friendships are so successful?

I guess I’m reasonably popular - I have 2 groups of friends I could organise a night out with at short notice totalling about 20 people.

One group was continuing friends from school and being welcoming to new partners. Very much an open friendly group - no exclusions whatsoever. Everyone is invited to everything.

The other group has built up from work colleagues.

my top tips are:

• stay engaged. We have WhatsApp groups that get posted in most days
• organise stuff / offer to host
• be flexible. Often someone will say shall we do x, and if not everyone can make it, that’s fine, we don’t faff about trying to find a day that works for everyone.
• generally being a positive, easy going person. I save more intense discussions / whining for my best friend and DH.
• I don’t actively brush up on social skills but make an effort to ask others about themselves, and I remember what they have been up to.
• have friends who are like minded. There’s no point trying to be friends with people who you don’t actually like. Also both groups tend to socialise in the pub, at restaurants. We all drink and someone who didn’t probably wouldn’t like the group.
• It sounds bad, but we’re all similar incomes, so no one ends up being excluded because they can’t afford to do x (so we wouldn’t have a night out at a Wetherspoons, but similarly, we would never organise a night at a Michelin star restaurant).

I guess it’s a case of finding the right groups, but then making the effort to stay in touch and actually organise stuff!

I'm not sure about "popular", but I find it fairly easy to make friends. I conciously choose the types of activities and locations that lead to friendships. I am outgoing and start conversations a lot. You have to accept that 90% of these will go nowhere, and not see it as a personal rejection. The person might be tired, or busy, or an introvert, or for some reason doesn't click with you. I think a lot of social skills is being able to take on the chin that you'll end up with a large amount of "rejection".

Then later on I am fairly forward about asking for people's number, and inviting them to things. I often try to connect new people into groups of other friends, so that maintaining those connections is more of a group situation with less pressure on me.

I don't conciously try to "brush up" my social skills, but I guess doing the above gives me a lot of practice.

Good points @Mushroo

www.nytimes.com/2020/01/23/smarter-living/adults-guide-to-social-skills.html

I’ve built up a decent friendship group over time but I’m not a massive social butterfly. My tips are:
be respectful and don’t be a dick

treat people as you expect to be treated

check up on people especially in times of need for eg bereavement

people are busy so I fit in shorter coffee catch ups aesthetician than regular time consuming gatherings

don’t play mind games with people and be interested in them as people

I am not that popular! However, my husband is and he has a cousin who is incredibly popular and the one thing I think they both do is make other people feel good about themselves, and in the case of the cousin, they also just really like people and are a true extrovert. I can actually do it for short bursts of time but in my case it is definitely masking and I find it exhausting (I am on the spectrum though).

I’m not popular on purpose however the people I know who are popular and gregarious, up for a night out/like a drink/yo party and really enjoy a good gossip (not in a nasty way just really enjoy hearing other peoples news abd sharing their own).

I wouldn’t consider myself as “popular” however, I’ve always been able to make friends very easily and quickly.

My most newest friends are “school mums” my key of making new friends is just smiling and a simple “hello, good morning” usually the conversation just starts flowing and within an hour I was at one of my sons friends mums house drinking tea.

I hope it works out for you 🙂

The people I know who have lots of friends are generally chatty and with good senses of humour. They also usually keep things light and fun but are also able to talk about difficult subjects when you're going through a tough time, and won't forget to message you. I also notice they arrange things a lot and don't wait for invitations.

All of these things may not come naturally to you but you can work on them.

@Mushroo Good list.

I would add, don't be judgemental & don't raise controversial topics. People want light hearted conversations- save the deeper stuff for family or a close friend

Listen to people and show interest in them.
Remember their birthdays.
Have meaningful conversations.
Have a sense of humour.
Make / join social arrangements.

Thank you all, these are so interesting to read

I think this one is context dependent. Some people hate small talk and love to go fairly quickly into deeper topics. And that can make the friendship deeper and more interesting. I think it's a matter of judging the context, introducing stuff gently at first and watching carefully for cues on how a person is responding to a topic.

This is me too
Got lots of friendship groups but l am really funny about mixing them up.