I think she hates me

[Theotherchocoholic]

I have been with DF for 2 years. His family are very close and over the years I have become close with his parents, grandparents and siblings. I now feel like I’m part of the family and I couldn’t be happier.
This closeness unfortunately doesn’t extend further out. DF aunt seems to have it in for me. She is future MIL’s sister, they are very close and she visits every weekend.
At first I assumed being a new woman in the picture she was just ‘sizing me up’ and eventually would be welcoming. That isn’t the case as it’s got worse over the past 2 years.
As a few examples, she commented I have chunky thighs when DF likes slim women the first time we met (I’m not overweight but I’m no stick insect either!), she purposely will not visit if I am there and makes a point of coming as I leave or going to her parents house across the road if I turn up with DF. I bought her a small gift for Christmas as I didn’t want to be petty and leave her out as gifts were being passed around. She refused to come to the house, she told DF she wasn’t getting me a gift as she is busy and the gift I bought her is still untouched under the tree when she has been staying there since Christmas Eve. There is a local event for New Years that you need tickets for, there were 2 spare as 2 of her friends cancelled and as MIL gave them to DF and I to come along, she has sold her ticket and will not go despite being the organiser.
I didn’t let it bother me initially, I asked DF if his aunt has a problem with me and he said no she likes me, but I know this isn’t the way a person acts towards someone they like. No one has commented, not in front of me anyway, but I don’t think it has gone unnoticed ‘behind the scenes’. It’s beginning to make me feel uncomfortable as I don’t know what I’ve done. She’s only sat in a room with me 3 times in total and the atmosphere was so thick I could have cut it.
I’m 5 weeks pregnant, we haven’t told anyone yet, it was a shock as we planned to wait until after the wedding in March. She is very close with DF’s DS5 and I’m concerned she will treat our child differently because of me. I know I should ignore it as she clearly has the issue, but I intend to be a permanent part of this family and I want to be comfortable in her presence. I don’t think she’ll turn up for our wedding, but I’m considering asking DF to only invite his immediate family because of how I feel.
What do you think I should do about this? Is it likely to be jealousy/resentment someone new has entered the family? She is mid 40s and lives alone, no children or partners, so I did question if that was the case, but she’s absolutely fine with future SIL partner so I’m guessing it’s personal to me.

It is often difficult to be the new woman coming into a family. If the aunt has a special relationship with the child who is about to be your step-child, and maybe a special relationship with the child's mother as well, that could explain things. She doesn't want to be ousted, so she's hoping she can make you walk away instead. This is a problem for your fiance to tackle.

It may actually help, you having your own child - you won't be seen as such competition for 'hers'. Depends. Is she looking at your fiance's child as the future comfort of her old age, or as the golden child who can be denied nothing, and be the recipient of all future family goods? Are you planning to move away to a different area, and she will see the child less?

My very strong suggestion is to look for a counselor now who is knowledgeable about step family dynamics. There are some people who just refuse to belong in any way to a stepfamily. They only do nuclear. You can't change them.

She is behaving incredibly weirdly, but equally she is only your DP’s aunt, you have met her three times in two years, so who gives a shit if she wants to act like a twat?

Carry on as you are, plaster a smile on your face when you do see her (as if you haven’t noticed anything), carry on with the gifts etc as if you get on well with her. Treat her like anyone else, basically. If she wants to blank you, she is only making herself look bad.

She an arsehole.

Thanks for replying. I’ve been in future DSS life since he was almost 2, as a friend admittedly as it has only been the last 2 years that I’ve been involved in the whole family picture. DSS mother isn’t involved, she had a lot of issues and abandoned him as a baby, she was never popular with DF family but I don’t know the full backstory. I’ve tried to be polite with her but it’s thrown back in my face. I feel that all of DF family is aware yet walking on egg shells with her. If she was a distant relative I would overlook it, but she is always visiting. We currently live 40 minutes away from MIL, DF aunt lives over an hour away from her in the opposite direction, our plan is to move closer to MIL so I will never escape her presence if we do as she is always there.

If she's trying to make a point, giving it attention and oxygen will allow her to create a twisted narrative and force others to take sides. If you've inadvertently slighted her and she's made her mind up about you, the best you can hope for is that the years will fade it. My guess is that it's not personal exactly, she's just a bit of a cow and she's prickly or jealous. Appearing blithely unaware will remove her power. Forcing the issue could become a nightmare.

My husband had an aunt like this, except she was a terrifying old biddy in her seventies. Every time I saw her, she marched me into the kitchen for a lecture on family values.

Until I just stopped going back. You can't expect to be an arse to someone AND have their time. Just cut out making any effort - I promise with a week you'll never give her another thought.

Appearing blithely unaware will remove her power. Forcing the issue could become a nightmare.

This is the way to go. Invite her to everything you would normally invite her to (weddings, Christmas etc). Include her as you do the rest of the family. Don’t bow out of things because she’ll be there. Be smiley. Let her look like a horse chewing a lemon if she wants to. Or, she can bow out herself, as she has done so far. Up to her if she wants to cut her nose off to spite her own face really.

Being wife no 2 is quite a different act to being wife no 1 - fact of life, sadly. However, if the ex is not on the scene, your life will be considerably less complicated. But because of that the aunt has 'stepped up' to take a more significant role in DSS's life than usual and you are now moving into 'her spot', crazy as that sounds.

The aunt is in her 40s, no partner in sight. Unless she froze eggs young, she will not have her own child. DSS is, I guess, the apple of her eye. You are going to need to develop a maturity way beyond your years, with compassion to match. When she visits DF, what does she do with DSS? Play, read to him, bath him? Can that continue when you are married?

SpaceshipstoMars-yes you make a good point, this is what crossed my mind. She’s worried about being pushed out. Except I’m not that sort of person, treating me like this will cause that however.
She doesn’t involve herself much past general playtime, meals and bath/bedtimes are left to DF or me if he is working. She does dote on him and I wouldn’t come between that or refuse to let that happen in our house. It’s her that choses not to. If she came to me and explained how she’d felt then I’d be able to reassure that situation will never happen, or if she spoke to DF about it. She’s choosing the immature route sadly and I assume it’s to make me leave.
DSS mother and DF were never married, it was a short term relationship that resulted in DS so I’m technically the first ‘real’ relationship and first wife to come along, DF siblings are 20 and 17 so not quite at that stage yet.
I appreciate all the views and will take them on board for our next ‘encounter’.

Maybe she sees herself as the ‘mother figure’ in your step-child’s life and doesn’t like you replacing her in that way?

You could try dropping hints that DDS will need more attention when the baby is born. Only one pair of hands, breastfeeding etc.