I have no friends

[Cornerorner]

I’m not looking for sympathy, but what would you do/have you done in this situation?

I have/had two long term friends one for 23 years and other for 9 years. They aren’t connected and have never met. When friends have been and gone they have been there regardless. Over time it became me putting all the effort and communication into the friendships. If I didn’t text then I wouldn’t hear from them. For a year or so I have slowed down on this to see if they’d make effort themselves, unfortunately they haven’t so I stopped too. I had occasional text messages asking how I and my family were, I’d reply, they’d read the message and not respond. Days later I’ll hear from them, but they won’t even open my reply for weeks at a time. I know I haven’t done anything to upset them or offend them. It’s been almost 2 months and I haven’t spoken to either of them much at all because I’m not texting every few days like I used to.

I find it sad as I valued both friendships in separate ways and never thought either of them would do this. It makes me feel like I am a bad person or friend and this is why it’s happened. My partner has been my rock and fills the void that is missing from lack of friendships and socialising, but I know it’s not realistic to rely on him to fill that need. It’s lonely, the only person I have to speak to beside my partner is my children and cousin, which isn’t quite the same.

I feel like the right thing to do would be to wipe the slate clean as such, and end the friendship completely, as in block and move on so there isn’t an option to let them back in. My partner comments how I check my phone to see if I have a message from either of them and that it’s affecting me more than I admit. I feel if I give up completely and they do one day get in touch then I’ve removed that choice because I’m unhappy with the lack of contact right now.

So now I’ve explained, would you cut contact entirely or would you keep the door open?

I could easily be one of the people you talk about. Yes it takes ten seconds to reply but I don't have enough time myself during the day and I keep feeling that I'm running around with still too much to do and can't relax so texting becomes another chore. I have time late in the evening but then they keep texting back and I'm tired and want to go to bed. Why is it a problem at our age to not speak for two months? Should friendships be this tiring? I like my friends who are fine with late texting and only meeting up a couple of times a year. It feels more relaxed and no pressure so it's only giving me energy instead of taking it away. I see that my really long term friendships ebb and flow, so some years there will be more contact and sometimes hardly any and that's also fine.

I also don't do the "how are you-good, how are you-fine how is your family" nonsens. We speak about real stuff and leave out the fluff. So I'd never contact someone just to have had contact. I've either got something to say or something to ask about their life or life events. I'd rather take more time for the friend who is going through a changing time than just communicating for the hell of it.

I also believe that you need to keep making friends all through you life, so you shouldn't wait till all are gone. I do make friends very easily though, so we're different in that regard.

I can only sympathise OP.

It sounds like you want to move on in your own way, but I wouldn't block. If you hear from them, you can respond as you feel.

Been pondering this post

I wonder how many others think it's friendship if it's meeting a couple of times a year, and how many find friendships tiring if they require more than that.

@EmmaAgain22

Good question actually! I've opened another thread on chat to ask how often others like to see their friends.

About the tiring thing it depends if you're an introvert or not. If you're not, meeting people will give you energy, if you are it costs energy. Although some cost or give more than others. I find meeting friends tiring and need days to process all that was said but I also find it inspiring long term which gives me energy in a different way. My MIL gets energy from seeing people and meets up with a friend almost daily.

I am not keen on meeting only twice a year. Though it seems a lot of people are, so I may have to suck it up! This is why I am keen on monthly or weekly scheduled events like book club, walking group and so on. It's not exactly friendship but it is socialising. And I don't have to chase.

Reading back I sound very unsympathetic to the OP. I am really not. It's hurtful when friends drift away. But after having experienced this many times, I have realised the only thing to do is find new ones. Some people need and value friends more than others. I am one of those so I try to find other, similar minded people. I often get along very well with child free or older women. They seem to have more time and energy, not surprisingly.

Duchess I'm introverted too but perhaps you have lots of people you see not very often? Will look at your other thread.

@EmmaAgain22 . I have quite a lot of friends that I meet up with annually. Or 2 or 3 times a year.
The difference is, they are only some of my friends.

Like @Lentilweaver there are also other people that I see every week at places I go to each week.

Then I get on with my work colleagues and we might go out once or twice a year. Then I also go out with people from where I volunteer maybe one or twice a year. Then I see other folk each week when we stand on the same touchline watching the same sport every week for 9 or 10 months of the year. Then I accept the invitation for Christmas drinks with neighbours (that I never knew before accepting the first invitation). Yes, it is a little nerve wracking going in to a room where you don't know anyone, but, if you want to have friends, that is what you do - meet people, mingle, spend time with people.
No, you won't form deep, long lasting bonds with most people you meet, but it's a numbers game - the more people you meet, the more likely you are to then connect with some of them. Then you look back a few years in and realise you have developed a really good friendship with one of them. Even if you don't, you've had weeks, months, years of doing the hobby / volunteering/ sport / interest group so your time hasn't been wasted sitting at home wishing someone would come and knock on your door and ask to be your friend.

I sympathise, OP. 🤔 I'm in the same boat, with one friend I've known for about 10 years. The ridiculous thing is, she only lives 3 doors away and we used to get together all the time.

It's always the same - we'll bump into each in the street, she'll be effusive, greet me with a hug, and tell me to text her when I'm free to meet up. I do, a date gets agreed on and she just cancels on the day with an excuse - EVERY time. 😠

If I suggest meeting up and suggest she texts me when SHE'S free, it doesn't even get that far, she says she will, but just doesn't. 🙁

The last time we got together was April, instigated by me. I've left it since then, and heard nothing.

Sorry you're going through similar, I wonder if these people give any thought to how we're feeling at all. xx

Same here OP.

I've text my two closest friends this week to see if they want to meet up, and both of them have read it and not replied.

It is lonely tbh. And I'm really really bored. It's sad really. I spent years distancing myself from people because I always felt like I was boring, and gave them the chance to walk away. Well that became self-fulfilling didn't it!

Firstly, your friends have texted you, so they are still wanting to be in touch with you. Secondly, OP, do you ask them anything about themselves when you reply? If they ask you how you are, and you reply without asking anything about them - you may not have really given them anything to reply to.

People can be really busy. If you have 50 things to remember to do in a day, even if each of them don't take a long time, its easy to miss some.

Maybe she's like me and doesn't have the confidence to go to book clubs, walking groups etc. There are plenty of those going on around where I live, but I just haven't got the guts to go along as I know I will struggle to think of something to say and end up getting sidelined and stop going
I mean this constructively: you have nothing to say because you don't do anything. The more things you do, the more things you have to talk about.
And the whole point of a book group is that you have a ready made conversation - the book. Other things can flow from that.

Please, this poster, don't let your fear and anxiety hold you back. The more things you do, the easier you will start to find it to have conversations. I got really boring when I wasn't doing anything and had nothing to say. Part of the reason I do stuff is so that I have things to talk about. Hell, I even use mumnset threads as conversation topics. Do stuff, read stuff, be around people - that will soon give you things to talk about. And you don't need to be the life and soul of the party for people to like you. You can be the quieter person on the sidelines and there will still be people who like you. Not everyone wants to be mates with the most vocal person in the room.

Op its hard. Had same thing myself. Found friends drifted but they made zero effort. Im calling to a school mam later. I think a hobby can be good too. Feel I did outgrow a few people they prob felt the same. But not nice if you always doing the chasing which I was

That's great.

I went from having lots of friends to almost none post lockdown and I'm just asking about frequency because when I do meet new people, I don't want them to feel I'm too full on.

I went from having lots of friends to almost none post lockdown and I'm just asking about frequency because when I do meet new people, I don't want them to feel I'm too full on.

As someone who is not born British, I think this is a very British notion, if I may say so. :) It's also a very MN notion, the needy desperate friend whom you are dying to dump.

In real life, I think many people are interested in making new friends post the pandemic. Some are not, of course. But one never knows until one asks. What does one lose?

I have just messaged someone I follow and have spoken to on Twitter to suggest a coffee. We have common interests. She has said yes. Of course, she may be thinking I am needy and pathetic, but I doubt it!

Also, may I recommend a subject of conversation, if you don't know what to say? Just watch and discuss The Traitors! Great icebreaker this time of year.

Lentil you are kind.

I am not looking atm, just interested to see people's feelings. I don't have any issues with chatting with new people.

Sorry, I may well be too invested on these threads:) I see a lot of them. I think there is a great friendship churn happening after the pandemic. Some people want fewer friends, some want more. Maybe we all just need to sort out which ones are which!

When I was younger (in my teens/20’s) I was quite sociable. I was also a people pleaser and was always the one making the effort to reach out to friends. If friends would go an extended period of time without talking to me or I was always the one instigating conversation, I would take it like a personal attack, and back off to allow them the opportunity to make time for me. More often than not this would lead to me isolating myself because I was too proud to reach out - “they should have cared more etc etc”. Maybe they weren’t the best friends, or maybe life simply got in the way. Now, in my 30’s I’m faaarrr less sociable - work and family has made me constantly tired and I’m generally just more distracted - I can go months on end having read a friends message and simply, and quite innocently, forgetting to reply - I would hate for my friends to think I don’t care about them and I will eventually reach out, it’s just life getting in the way! Time has made me realise that if I hadn’t shut people out in the past for seemingly not valuing our friendship, they could still be in my life now, even if we only spoke every few months, and maybe that would have been better than nothing.

I guess it just depends if the times they have been around, whether they have been good friends. I wouldn’t advise cutting out lifelong friendships just because you’re feeling a little neglected. Swallow your pride and continue to reach out if you miss them.

Hi hope you’re ok . Where are you from x

It’s lovely to have very old friends from school etc but unless none of you ever move life and moving means they inevitably drift. You need a group of jolly like minded local pals to do stuff with on a weekly basis rather than invest in these historic long distance friendships where you gave to travel miles to meet up. That way they know the minuatiae of your life and you theirs.

I am actually more likeminded with my local friends I made as an adult in the last 10 years than those I met as a teen.

It often makes sense to maintain your current connections while looking for new friends too. It’s not an either/or type of thing.

Friendships grow in different directions and change because the people in them do. Think about your hobbies and interests and work, are there any new things you would like to try? It’s easier to connect with others when you’re having a good time following your interests. Think of activities you can enjoy doing alone at home and which might also bring you into contact with likeminded others as a bonus. Have you always wanted to learn another language or musical instrument or improve your physical fitness, for example?