End of year/Christmas/mum burnout

[Corilee2806]

Just that really - not really sure what I’m looking for or if this is the right place to post. Lying in bed with a banging headache and glands up having been ill since the week before Christmas but had to keep going as didn’t want to let the kids and family down. This has been coming for a while though and I just don’t know what to do anymore.

Children are 4 and almost 2, I work PT (3 days) in a relatively demanding civil service job, think central Gov department type role. I had a bit of a breakdown the week before Xmas and after almost a year of being back from mat leave and various promises from my line manager that things will get better, none of which have materialised, I went to my director and HR in desperation this week. I think they recognise what I’m saying but I don’t think things will change in this role and I’m hoping they can support me with a managed type move - I’m a strong performer and this is relatively common in the civil service, I just don’t have the headspace or confidence to apply for things anymore although I did earlier in the year - I just feel so broken. My role isn’t super demanding in the sense of daily pressure of deadlines but it’s trying to deliver and tackle a big challenge with no senior support and big risks if we don’t make progress which no one is acknowledging.

I obviously adore my kids but my little one (DS) is particularly challenging, very physical and strong and I often find myself too exhausted and overpowered to manage him. I dread my husband not being around. 4 yo is good but terrible eater (have posted on here about this before) and I generally find trying to tackle that and the dinner/bedtime routine every evening challenging. I have been ill at various points over the year and seem to just about get back on an even keel but I feel I have no reserves or resilience, and now every few weeks I seem to crash.

I can go into the office in London(1.5 hours away) but find it draining so always work from home, I never really leave so am always doing work or childcare - including one of my working days when my parents are here to look after kids, which isn’t ideal as I just get involved. OH is a good and hands on dad but has a very senior demanding job and it always takes priority over mine for kids sick days etc. As I work part time I’m the project manager of the house and have found the last few months in the build up to Xmas, planning kids birthdays etc, alongside the day to day, very challenging. I feel on edge, suffering with anxiety (I had PND and PNA last year and see a lot of symptoms creeping back) and now the physical symptoms coming and I just can’t cope anymore.

Surely life can be better than this - I can’t imagine another year like this, it’s all just felt so hard since I had my second child. I see everyone else seemingly just getting on with it and coping, often in harder circumstances than mine. We have a nice life, home etc and feel so guilty for feeling this way. I want to try and find a way to make work manageable, enjoy being with my children, none of it perfect but just better.

Just wondering if I posted this in the wrong place and should move?

I've worked three days a week, with young kids, with a similar age gap. The part-time job was an exercise in doing 100% of the work in 60% of the time for 60% of the pay, and because I was part-time I had high expectations for my parenting too - days out, baking, crafts, meal planning, home cooked food, fresh laundry, thoughtful gifts, comfortable home.

Until I was about 9 my DM was a SAHP, and my DDad worked full-time throughout and actually in the same profession I do. It struck me that I was trying to replicate both my DM's and DDad's roles in my early life, but as just one person, which really wasn't a reasonable thing to expect of myself.

So you have some sympathy and solidarity from me.

Random ideas that may or may not help:

• Put upon your DH more. Your job is quite evidently also really important. And if he's that senior then he will certainly have the power to be more flexible at work, especially given everyone's experiences of working through covid.

• If you can afford it, get more childcare. For example, could your parents do some sleepovers or days out at the weekend, and you pay for childcare on that one day a week? Or even pay for childcare on one of your days off. You may feel guilty, but if you're like me, proper time-off will morph you into Mary Poppins, able to be sweet and patient, and the sort of parent you want to be. So it'll benefit your kids.

• Get planning your childcare for when your 2 year old gets their 30 hours. Just planning and applying for that made me feel so much happier with my youngest. There is an end in sight! 😂

• Consider doing more days at work. Depending on your dynamics at work, you may not get any more work to do, and you would get more time to do it in, and more money for doing it. If you're working from home, you might be able to squeeze in a lot of "home" stuff into your work day too, e.g. putting on dinner, booking a day out for the weekend, so your non-work time could be freer.

• Plan as many breaks or treats for yourself as possible. Whatever counts for you: a gym session, running in the woods, drinking mulled wine while watching It's a Wonderful Life, going to church on a Sunday (I'm an aetheist but started going to get a break, and it's sooo peaceful), studying something you really love, reading novels, going for a walk with a friend and having a good chat. Leave kids with DH, and he'll cope, it's clearly necessary for you to function.

• Enjoy being ill. Lay it on thick. Stay in bed. Insist on lots of lemon and honey drinks. Watch something nice on a laptop or your phone. Let everyone figure it out without you, and they'll be fine. Your body is telling you to rest, so you need to rest.

Oh OP, I hear you. It can be so hard. Tbh you do sound burnt out and I think you need to talk to your GP, consider getting signed off with stress/exhaustion, and just take some time to rest properly when the children are in their usual childcare.

Also, if you end up parenting while you're supposed to be working and your parents are supposed to be doing the childcare, consider not using them for childcare - if the children go to childminder or nursery, send them there for an extra day.

And, as usual in these situations, your husband needs to do more and you need to do less.

Lastly your commute is very long, so in the longer term could you move house or change jobs? I hear what you are saying about not having the headspace for either, but longer term, something has to change for your life to get easier.

Sign yourself off OP. You sound to have the virus my kids have had and it was horrible. Burnout is totally a thing. I don't have half your stress and I haven't got out of bed today. I am so knackered after all the Christmas drama.

I could have written this post word for word - timings, ages of kids, working days, everything, and I work in the NHS so also demanding job.

I felt like this and one more small thing happened and pushed me over the edge. My GP signed me off work; I'm 4 weeks into some time off and I feel much better, and it's given me the tine, headspace, and energy to think about how to re-jig my life so I don't reach that point again.

Prioritise yourself and your family, OP. Do what you need to do and take good care - it's exhausting xx

Thank you so much for your lovely replies - I don’t really feel like I can talk to people about this in real life but you all get it more than my own closest family and friends do! When I try and explain how ill I feel to family and friends they just want to dismiss it and say ‘hope your cold’s better soon’ as it’s easier to say that than delve into the complex issues, which I get - it’s Christmas and no one really has time for a breakdown!

so much of this resonates. Especially the first point you made @BocolateChiscuits about trying to recreate both roles - my mum stayed at home as did all of the women in both our families so I feel a lot of pressure to be with my children but also have invested a lot in my career and don’t want to let that go (although kind of feels too late the way that’s going at the moment)

I do feel like I’m not being heard. I did stay in bed today feeling awful and my OH still went out to pick up booze and then have a friend over which I could have done without. I feel like unless I have a full blown breakdown or end up, I don’t know, hospitalised or something, no one is going to listen. And I would really like to try and fix things before it gets to that point!

thanks so much for the helpful suggestions - lots to look at and consider here. I have thought for a whole that my childcare set up isn’t working, we also use my OH family on the other 2 days but not in the home so that’s ok. And my older one is in preschool too but a lot of the logistics fall to me.

And I’m sorry to hear you’ve been going through something similar @MsFrog and glad the time off has been helping you - hope you continue to feel better. I think that’s exactly what I need, time and space to work things out, rejig things to try and make my set up better. Can imagine it’s really tough at the moment in the NHS.

And on the job thing, I think about this a lot. It’s possible for me to work from home the majority of the time at the moment which I’ve sort of fallen into as I can’t see a way of commuting and doing drop off etc but it actually feels very isolating. I don’t know what I could move into though, I feel quite Westminster bound but realise I do have transferable skills which I’m sure I could put to use, just need to think outside the box a bit and think about what’s in my area (north London/Home Counties way is probably doable if I could still work from home some of the time)