Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

Advice on dealing with sudden death

18 replies

Caelan2018 · 27/12/2022 13:50

My DS (17) lost his best friend on Christmas eve in a car accident he is inconsolable and heart broken they were together everyday and he was in our home all the time stayed over whenever he likes we treated him like our own. DS has not left him since coffin arrive yesterday morning and tomo is burial how do I handle this with sensitivity I am not sure what to say or do that can make this better it's horrendous I hate that he has lost someone so close this young and feels lost without him nothing I say can heal or fix it

OP posts:
Willowswood · 27/12/2022 13:53

Omg how awful for your poor son and of course it's a terrible shock to you too.

I have no words of advice but just didn't want to read and run x

Isthatascratchonmygrandmother · 27/12/2022 13:53

I'm so sorry this happened. I understand the panic you will feel at seeing your son's despair and anguish but it will take time. He must grieve in a healthy manner so let him sit with his pain for a while. Just let him know you are there, always. You can't fix this for him, you can only support him through it.

Adviceneeded200 · 27/12/2022 13:57

I am really sorry for your sons loss and you too.

Grief is what it is so let him do what he wants and express his grief however he wishes and remember him however he wants.

He may be asked by the family if he wants to read or write something for the funeral. If he is approached be ready to support and help him with whatever his decision is - but don't mention it until he is approached because he might not be.

Just be there is my advice. You can't make it any better - it's a dreadful situation.

BlueKaftan · 27/12/2022 13:59

My only advice is to give him time. Everyone grieves differently but knowing he has your love and support will help him.

Pedallleur · 27/12/2022 14:03

He is 17 and will live forever so now he has to face mortality. He will come through it but it will take time.

Roselilly36 · 27/12/2022 14:07

So sorry for the loss, my DS’ lost a good friend, in a tragic sudden death, very hard to accept and come to terms with. This was many years ago, we still talk about their friend, loved and missed. You can only be there and be ready to listen. The awful this is as his mum you can’t take the pain away.

Original poster
Caelan2018 · 27/12/2022 20:07

Yes he is doing gifts at mass tomo 💔

OP posts:
Original poster
Caelan2018 · 27/12/2022 20:09

We have just come back he came home changed his clothes and his friend collected him and he is staying at wake again tonight and going from there to mass

OP posts:
Georgeskitchen · 27/12/2022 20:11

Just be there for him when he needs you x

Cherrysherbet · 27/12/2022 20:12

How awful. I’m so sorry.

Northernlurker · 27/12/2022 20:14

There is nothing you can do. This is a life defining loss. It will stay with him always. All you can do is grieve with him. And make sure he always has somebody to talk to.

Fireandflight · 27/12/2022 20:16

That's terrible. I am so sorry for his, and your loss. As others have said, his grief is very raw just now, he will need time to process things. You can't make this any better but he's sure of your love and support.

hiredandsqueak · 27/12/2022 20:55

My son lost his best friend at 17 too, he took it so very badly. He was in shock for a long while, his friend died at football practice and then he started partying hard, believing himself to be living for the both of them I think. It did calm down and he grew up quickly. It's almost seventeen years now, ds takes flowers to his grave birthdays, anniversaries and Christmas, he's never been forgotten but his memories now are of the good times.

Babyroobs · 27/12/2022 21:01

My son was 17 also when he witnessed his friend mown down by a speeding car. Friend died a few hours later. He then had to re-live it all as a witness about a year later when the case came to court as the driver would not plead guilty. He did have some counselling from his college. we wanted to get him some specialist trauma counselling. He does not speak about what happened much to us but does keep in touch with his friends parents and other friends who also witnessed it.

FindingMeno · 27/12/2022 21:06

Sudden tragic loss is so difficult to process and accept.
It's an immense shock and all the laws of justice and fairness you thought were true for your life fly out of the window. It turns so much upside down - challenges your beliefs, your own fears.
Let him sit with it and try to make space for his mind to work through it and let it sink in.
So very sorry.

Fleurdaisy · 27/12/2022 21:11

Shock following a sudden death is awful. It affects you physically and mentally. And it can last a long time, with me it was almost 21 months, even now I could tell you the moment I knew it had eased as the feeling is completely different. ( In his book Simon Weston describes how his symptoms of shock lasted years)
Don’t ask him too many questions — do you want to eat? Is probably as much as he can cope with. Let him talk if he wants to, don’t offer solutions as there aren’t any atm.

He might go off the rails slightly — lots of bereaved people drink too much, smoke too much, eating goes either way too little or too much. Might not happen, I didn’t drink but a lot of my widow’s group friends said they hit it hard.
Your son can get help from his GP if he is having trouble sleeping, becomes anxious etc… and later on I would really recommend bereavement counselling. I didn’t do this and bitterly regret it. I developed something called complicated grief ( or maybe it was complex grief) Really wasn’t great.

I’m so sorry for your son, you, his friend’s family, what an awfully sad loss. 💐

Snoken · 27/12/2022 21:21

Mybe not just yet, but in a week or so start taking him out for long walks and just talk, talk, talk. Boys in particular tends to struggle with talking about traumatic experiences, and this is something he needs to share with others. If not, it will start eating him up. It is much easier to talk whilst walking as you don’t have to look at each other and the brain stays alert. If there are long moments of silence from time to time then that’s fine too, and less noticeable if you’re walking.

Try to find a quiet place and go for regular walks. After a while that place might become his place where he goes when he wants to feel closer to his friend, as that is where he gets to process his thoughts.

Original poster
Caelan2018 · 27/12/2022 22:30

I am,not sure what you mean but thanks,for reply

OP posts:
New posts on this thread. Refresh page