If you have a tween/young teen with autism…

[Andsoforth]

Does your autistic dc socialise with other people on the spectrum?

This isn’t something I’ve given much thought to. Ds is 14 and in mainstream. I think he’s probably in one of the most supportive school environments but I know he feels like he’s surrounded by NT people all the time. He was fantasising about going to a school with autistic dc and teachers instead.

Now that he’s said that, it’s a very obvious need. Although I’m completely at a loss how to coax my anti-social, routine fixated child to any social event.

No, mine says he doesn't like other autistic children. He does have some among his friend group but his NT friends are more flexible with his very rigid way of thinking!

Yes and no. There's so much potential for irritating each other. I think when they were younger they could talk along side each other about current obsessions but as they hit later teens it gets more difficult. DC can be quite blunt and turn down lots of invites which of course leads to fewer invites as well.

Interesting question.

Mine is 12. He is in a friendship group of 6- 5 NT and one ASD. They all sort of adapt to each other (which is occasionally hit or miss). They have been friends for a good 5 years and know each other well, but his NT friends are outpacing him developmentally.

He's not that interested in RL social engagement though- he does alot of online social stuff which is more within his comfort zone.

No she doesn’t socialise with any children at all not NT or ND. (No friends doesn’t want any)

Mine is very sociable major sensory issues and obsessive tendancies to friends. She likes the renegades at school who are NT.

Yes, because his mainstream school has a lot of autistic children - I’d say of his friendship group of about six, one other is diagnosed autistic and at least one more definitely displays some traits but I’m not aware of any diagnosis. He would strongly resist going to the local autistic youth club though - that would be too “obvious”. He is into certain hobbies which tend to attract neurodiverse people, so he also socialises in some sense through that.

My ASD DS is 12 and attends a special autism school. He has ASD friends at school but as they live all over the county he doesn’t physically socialise with them outside school but he does play online games with them.
He does, however, sometimes socialise with some NT children he went to mainstream primary with. By socialise I mean they meet up in the park and hang out together.
But oftentimes he doesn’t want to socialise with anyone and is more than happy to be at home online gaming with friends both ND and NT.

I think accepting that they may not want to socialise or have friends is vital when it comes to autism.

One of mine was naturally drawn to a couple of ND people in primary school, found a ND partner in high school and now mixes very socially (after limited contact with others) in university but lives at home still.

One of them doesn't talk to anyone, selective mute, now home educated after years of battling anxiety and just taking things slowly.

Another had a handful of friends, none from school, he met them at work, but they are majority ND as well.

I'm in my 40s and when I finally realised I was autistic and gave myself permission to stop trying to 'be' my idea of who I should be, and became my true self I no longer surround myself with friends. I have a couple of minimal contact friends that I have slowly drifted from and I cannot put into words how absolutely wonderful it is to live up to my own true self over other peoples expectations

Not until recently, due to a late diagnosis and a very negative attitude to ND, due to the behaviour of some classmates who were diagnosed when young and had a lot of meltdowns at school.

She has met more young people recently who are more like her ( quiet, mask a lot, clever) but social relationships and friendships are very hard for her, due to MH issues and many rejections from NTs over the years. She also feels that a lot of media representations are very stereotypical: ‘weird kids’, geniuses, mostly male who miraculously find friendship and live after a few bumps in the road ( ‘ ‘Atypical’ and ‘The Good Doctor’) and don’t show how disabling the depression and anxiety can be.

DC is an older teen, but when younger they went through a number of friendships trying to find the right people. They currently have a mix of NT and ND friends.

I know we have a local support group for autistic people that hold social events. Might be one local to you?

Dd10 has no friends, she used to and used to talk for hours on the phone but they have all deserted her. She doesn't mention it but it breaks my heart.

Ds1 is 14 and has a lovely geeky group of mixed ND and NT friends. They have similar interests (War Hammer, biking, music etc.). He does find some autistic peers at school difficult to get on with if their interests are not aligned with his as he finds their conversation boring, but is fully accepting that they may find him equally boring to be around.

He's terrified of the 'cool' kids (mostly NT) and his worst nightmare is to be stuck in a class with none of his friends. He stays silent in such situations.

DS1 is nearly 13 and has ASD. His friends are all NT as far as I am aware, but I don't know his friends from secondary school very well. He suspects one of them may have 'differences' of some kind (his words) but doesn't know for sure either way. He hasn't told his friends about his own diagnosis though, so they don't know he is ND!
They all have similar interests - pokemon/war hammer/science/Minecraft which seem more important than their differences.

My DS is 14 and has always been friends with the other "quirky" kids, I could always see ND traits in them. NT kids don't want to know.

Of the other boys with autism that we know (of this age group), none socialise out of school except online. I'd like to get them out and about and meeting other like-minded kids, but it's hard work. We could leave them to it, but doing that doesn't improve their social skills any, and my DS is becoming more and more introverted with a massive lack of confidence (lockdown has contributed hugely to this). He used to be more confident about going about on his own, he won't now and feels vulnerable. Now he'll go without food and drink all day rather than go to the school canteen.

I'm all for accepting who they are, but not when it's at a painful cost to their ability to function in society. Being unable to speak to people or look them in the face is not positive, and I don't see it being useful towards gaining employment either.

I'm not hoping for gregarious and outgoing, just being able to chat to others would be great.

My daughter really wants to be friends with NT kids but isn't great at it and can be very controlling. She doesn't really have friends as such. It's sad. I think our kids (and us) just need to meet the right people that we feel comfortable with, whether autistic or not, and this might come at primary, secondary, university, or not in education at all but just in life/work.

M younger child has ASC diagnosis. Older child doesn't have a diagnosis but has traits and is seeking out other children who share his special interests. So no one at his school shared his current special interest and he's been travelling to competitions at the weekends to meet others who share it. We all want to feel like we belong.

No but he's severely autistic with severe learning disabilities,and completely oblivious to other kids his own age he goes to.a specisl.school so mixed with other children there and a his holiday and Saturday club .