Every year we do the same thing for Christmas and it's really boring. How can I get DH to agree to do something different next year?

[IPreferTheStrawberryOne]

I really want to do Christmas differently next year. We always host MIL. I always do the lion's share of meal planning, cooking and organising. This year I've taken a deliberate step back and DH has been much more involved but even though some more of the heavy lifting was shared, I still just found it all a bit boring.

The whole day revolves around cooking this big meal that gets eaten in minutes. By the time you finish eating it's getting dark and then that's it. The day is over.

I want to go away next year where everything is taken care of by someone else. We'll have Christmas dinner in a restaurant and spend the rest of the time on a beach. The thing is, DH would insist that MIL come too and I'd love a year where it's just us.

I've had the past 15 Christmases with MIL. My own mum is also on her own (my dad died years ago) but we don't see her as often because she has her own life.

I don't know how to put a stop to having to spend the next 15 Christmases with MIL without starting a huge row.

There's nothing bad about MIL, I just want to have a Christmas where I don't have to always do the same old routine with the same people. But DH seems really happy with this?

Omg I could have written your post, except I have both parents and DH has put up with them for 15 yrs. We are looking at options.

I have no idea how to tell my parents as they have no one else to have Xmas with but each other and my mum will get hysterical. DBro has basically gone no contact with them and they don't see the DC very much at all so I have the added obligation of being the good daughter upon whom all the expectation falls.

I think I will have to wait until Easter and tell them then, although that does give 8 months of guilt tripping...

And YY to being bored, also why they need to stay for two nights when they live 30 minutes away...

How old is your MIL? Unless it's likely to be her last Christmas, I'd start trying to persuade him.

Does she not have anyone else she can spend the day with?

If it doesn't work out, why don't you see what you can do to change things, have a 12.30 lunch and out for a walk by 2.30? Or big meal on Xmas eve. Cook something adventurous. I'm assuming mil is alone and no other relatives who would have her?

Tell him he's had his way for fifteen years, now it's his turn to compromise so you get yours.

Darling DH I'm really struggling with xams,we hosted mil.so many times now I'd like a change next year and perhaps alternate mil

Good grief.
You don't dislike her.
There's nothing actually wrong with her.
But she's so unwanted.
Just remember that could be you one day.

Have you read A Christmas Carol?

How old is she? Does she have other children or siblings?
I'd feel the same as you.

Would you be able to compromise by inviting someone else too, single friends, neighbours who are fun and can inject a bit of vitality into the day?

If she’s been at yours for 15 years and there isn’t a back story of her being a massive cow then it seems mean to uninvite her next year, especially when her son wants her there. Going away is a great idea though, and it might naturally discourage her

So does your mum spend Christmas Day on her own?

I think I’d go half way for next year, say you’d like to go out for lunch. Get recommendations now and book a table somewhere nearby for 1pm, so there’s still quite a lot of day left. If MIL lives close enough to not have to stay over, you can kindly arrange a taxi from the restaurant back to her house and you and dh do a leisurely walk home. You could offer to include your mum in this.

Or just change your day timings, eat at actual lunchtime, we had Christmas lunch at 1pm, by 2pm we were walking the dog round the park. It was still light. Buy stuff you put in the oven at set intervals, requiring no prep.

Going from every year at home to taking off abroad is quite a radical change. Can you ease into change maybe by going out for lunch locally next year, so no cooking or clearing up for anyone in your house, time to do more with the day, see if that improves things?

Since MIL doesn't appear to be a horrible person and assuming she's got nobody else if she spends every year with you, it would be pretty shitty to just take off and leave her behind IMO.

book a dinner out for Christmas Day, go away in between Christmas and new years?

Maybe ask Mrs Cratchit, 15 years down the line, how she feels about Christmas Day? While she's once again slaving away cooking the heaving great turkey Scrooge has foisted on her in his benevolent zeal.

I bet he doesn't do a lick of washing up.

OP has hosted her for 15 years.

15 years.

That's 15 more than I've hosted my own parents or PIL!

But they have each other! You wouldn't be leaving them alone

Loneliness is such a huge issue for older people. If you want to do something else then the kind thing to do is encourage MIL to form a life outside of your family.

Yes she's technically your DH's problem but try and see her as a person and not a burden.

Just not inviting her next year is to be honest a bit shit.

We are away this year and I have decided this is how I want to spend every year.
No cooking, no pointless crap received that I now have to find a place for, no cleaning, no drama, no TV.
Instead 3 delicious meals cooked for us every day, sun, nice views, actually taken some time to relax. Everyone is merry and bright.

I would invite mil though - and she might say yes, might say no. It’s a compromise and if she doesn’t enjoy it, she might just go the once. But it breaks the tradition to get you started.

Agree with either going out locally and/or changing the timings.

We always have MIL as she is on her own. This year we live abroad so she has come for 30 days 🤪

This year we opened presents and had breakfast. DH took the DC to play tennis together at 7.30am. I took MIL for a stroll on the beach.

All back by 9.30. Boys played with their presents. MIL did crosswords. Dh and I pottered around cooking the dinner. Starter at 12. Main at 1pm. Washed up as we went/straight after dinner. Quick snooze. Pudding at 3pm. Rest of the day just chilling and reading. Watched a film in the evening.

Obviously this worked cos DC2 woke us all up at 6am 🤣 but in general we have lunch at 12 and that leaves the whole afternoon free.

Mrs Cratchit doesn't cook the turkey. It's cooked in a community oven as the poor didn't have cooking facilities big enough.

In 2020 I got never ending guilt trips about how they had to spend Xmas alone. Before mixing was banned later that December, we'd planned to do a garden bacon sandwich present swap. You'd have thought I told my mother that I didn't love her.

The reason we started hosting was because I knew my mum wouldn't cope with the idea of us alternating xmases.

I do feel that my brother could pull his finger out and have them, but he basically refused when I asked him this year.

I've spent every Xmas with my parents since I was born except 2020. I need a break!

Yanbu. I would hate to spend Christmas day on the beach but if its what you fancy go for it.

@Redcisco can I ask, where are you? It sounds perfect!

Would he insist MIL comes if you say went on holiday around Christmas but not including Christmas Day. That also can reduce the cost a lot sometimes.

For the actual day maybe you could all go to a restaurant and if your DH insists its at home leave him to do everything himself.

This!! Imagine your daughter on law saying this one day to you. Plan to go away just after Xmas or go to a restaurant with MIL if you don't want to cook.