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Original poster

Why do I let myself be treated so badly

26 replies

whyohwhyandallthetime · 27/12/2022 02:34

Nc

Exactly that

Why? Why on earth do I let myself be the unpaid maid to my husband, my step children, make a massive effort with his family who to be honest I find rude and self centered. I sort Christmas, birthdays, days out, dinner, the house, finances, I sort all the mental load I ask for absolutely nothing and I mean nothing! Mother's Day, birthday and Christmas for me is a card and that's it, where as for my husband is a big hoooha. I don't whinge, I don't nag I don't do anything apart from tip toe around my husband. All he says to me is how I didn't do this right or how I've cleaned the whole house but didn't take the bins out so I am a disgrace. I call his mum all the time and get her prescriptions for her and drive a long way to drop them off. I honestly ask for nothing in return but can my parents please visit for an hour this Christmas period and all I have had is hours of being screamed at. Everytime I speak he copies my voice and actions and always tell me how much of a thick (insert swear word I am) I'm degree educated by the way. He tells me how I'm so ugly and every time someone he deems is ugly on tv comes on he says that's me and then goes on and on and tells our friends and family that's who I look like, every idea I have to change jobs is shot down with how I'm not capable to do it and I'm talking meaningful jobs like a carer. Tells me how fat I am and that all I need to do is a load of sit ups a day. Pushes me and pushes me and windes me up all day and I will keep saying stop please stop etc and then I keep a mental checklist that when he hits 100 I bite back and I 'kick off' and then he will say see look at you you have mental health issues. Things he says to wind me up are above but also things like when I'm reading a book he will say to me ' Christ you've got some chins' or when I'm driving he will say ' how the fuck did you pass your driving test, you must of shagged the examiner'. Other examples are whatever I am wearing is critiqued and god forbid I'm watching a tv show like gavin and Stacey and Stacey is talking about sex he says 'what the Fuck are you watching, no wonder you like it, your obviously a whore like her'. Every scenario is hours of him going on and on saying nasty things and me begging him to stop and me apologising over and over.

You would think after all this rubbish I could have my parents come over to the house for one hour over the Christmas period.

I know I should leave but financially I can't. There's no point to this post. I'm just struggling so much and know I've destroyed my life

OP posts:
3487642l · 27/12/2022 02:46

It's great give written all of this down and shared it, you are starting to value yourself and speak aloud that you don't deserve this as they are. I'm sorry you are in such a difficult situation weigh such an awful husband. I feel really upset hearing how he verbally abuses you in such callous and aggressive manner. You are incredibly conscientious, you have all the goodness he is lacking, and he takes advantage of that and then punishes you. You don't deserve this and I hope you can start to think about some steps you can take to look after yourself in ways that help you start to feel that you ARE a valuable human being. Even small ways can make a difference. I think you have more strength and capacity to help yourself than you realise. Sending you lots of warm wishes.

3487642l · 27/12/2022 02:47

Sorry for the typos

OriginalUsername2 · 27/12/2022 02:53

It’s possible, it might just take some help untangling everything. What are the reasons you feel you can’t leave?

Mumtobabyhavoc · 27/12/2022 02:59

That is a shocking amount of abuse.
so many women say they cannot leave their abusers due to finances. Often the abuser controls the finances which makes it difficult. Please reach out discretely to those you trust to help you make an exit plan. Please write out all instances of abuse and control behaviour by your partner that you can recall and from now on write down every instance and keep it someplace safe or email details to someone you trust. If you can clear half your joint bank account do it and leave. You must find a lawyer and file for divorce and potentially a protection order. I am very very worried for you. Please plan quickly and if unsafe just pack necessities and go. It's obviously best if you can make a plan and leave when he's not home. Please be careful.

Whatstherecipe · 27/12/2022 02:59

There is always a way sweetheart.
This is your life, not a rehearsal, and you deserve a chance x
Speak to Woman’s Aid to get some perspective. This is not right, you know it, and you can change the narrative, get rid of this useless lump and be happy.

determinedtomakethiswork · 27/12/2022 03:21

There is always a way.

Do you have children of your own? Do you work? What's the situation with your home?

mycatsanutter · 27/12/2022 03:26

This is an awful way to live , he is a vile man. Please post why you think you can't leave then you can find out what help there is out there to start a new life you can't carry on like this .

SMUnz · 27/12/2022 03:39

this is so airy fairy (and I’m as left brained as they come) but please believe me when is say - just take the plunge and it WILL all work out. You will make it work out. It’s who you are. Before I left a similar relationship I did the maths etc in finance and it just did not add up, I was convinced I was trapped at least financially. Anyway an incident happened that could not be overlooked and we broke up and it just worked. One step at a time. You can do this. Step one.ending it. You will be your age plus ten years all being well…imagine that being a whole new you not what you have now. Good luck. Xxx

DuchessofSandwich · 27/12/2022 04:57

Why can't you leave financially? Because everyone can really. We can help you with advice on that. It already sounds like you have a job, so that's good.

ClarathecrosseyedLioness · 27/12/2022 05:08

Please speak to Women's Aid after the hols OP and get advice.

Please believe you don't need to live like this.

Bogeyes · 27/12/2022 06:14

Please find a way to get away from this disgusting man. You deserve better. X

MissMogwai · 27/12/2022 07:55

I'm sorry OP that's horrendous. You deserve a better life.

What are the financial ties? I'm sure posters more knowledgeable than me can offer advice. Nothing is worth staying with such a 'man' - how dare he treat you like this.

jay55 · 27/12/2022 08:28

Don't have your parents over for an hour. Go and stay with them and escape this abusive nightmare.

Footle · 27/12/2022 08:42

@whyohwhyandallthetime , what a horrifying account of your life.

AnneLovesGilbert · 27/12/2022 08:47

That’s horrific. You’ve got it out now, which must have been very difficult. So why don’t you use the support on here for advice on how to leave the nightmare you’re in. It’s never impossible to leave. It might be hard but if you have to leave then you have to leave.

What’s your housing situation? Do you work? Do you have your own children? You say you’re educated and can drive. You have parents you love.

Break it down and make a plan, line by line, of how you’re going to get out.

FrancescaContini · 27/12/2022 08:50

You haven’t destroyed your life; but he IS destroying it. Please leave - you can be free of this nightmare and live peacefully.

Bananalanacake · 27/12/2022 09:31

You have step children but do you have DC together with your dh. Your post started off with the usual lazy man expecting you to do everything but then you say how abusive he is.
I also think you should stay at your parents and look for somewhere else to live, see what benefits you can claim.

MushMonster · 27/12/2022 09:39

Leave.
Pack a bag and get to your parents and never look back.
There is no amount of money worth this shit.
You can always earn money, get a job, train for a better one.
You can never ever make this stop.
You have to leave. Now.

GoodVibesHere · 27/12/2022 09:49

Oh OP, what a sad post. He is a horrible, horrible person.

You can escape this and live a joyful, free and happy life.

I don't have experience of this type of situation but there are many mumsnetters who can help you to leave him and get through this, lots have left abusive situations and can give you practical suggestions and emotional support. Perhaps you could tell us about some of the financial issues that you see as a barrier to leaving and I'm sure people here will be able to offer advice so that you know where to begin.

rainbowstardrops · 27/12/2022 09:57

You can't put up with this level of abuse 'just' for financial reasons. You really can't.
Are you able to pack a bag and go and stay with your parents or other family?

ThePear · 27/12/2022 10:07

No exaggeration but being homeless would be better than living with your abuser. There's no justification for this male. I don't know where to start, you think you need to plead and apologize to the abuser and that's so far from what should be happening it's going to be a long road for you to see what is correct behaviour from a man. You obviously need to go to a refuge, or a relatives house. This is your one life. If you've had a kid with the abuser then it's absolutely imperative that you get the kid away from this horrific house and straight to therapy.

2bazookas · 27/12/2022 10:13

You're a carer. You could get a job (and home) as a live-in carer/housekeeper to a pleasant person who appreciates you.

Buy yourself a copy of The Lady magazine and turn to Vacancies.

You could be a House sitter; living in other peoples empty home, maybe
minding a pet or waterin g the plants

Kindlethefourth · 27/12/2022 10:25

This is abuse. No justification. No excuses for him. It is abusive. Plan your exit strategy. If you can't face this immediately then can I suggest you start by cut and pasting this post into a note on your phone. Call it something trivial and lock it. Add to it each and every time he says or does something undermining. This will help for two reasons. Firstly reading it back will hopefully give you a wider picture of what is going on over time if you can't leave immediately but more importantly is evidence of what is happening in case of future legal proceedings as you can bet he will not be doing the same. Time and date your entries. If you can, finally try to start a running away fund. Doesn't matter if it is a pound at a time. Even if in the back of your head you have enough for one night in a B&B stashed away then this will give you some confidence and make you feel as if you are taking positive steps to get yourself out of the situation. I can't advise what to do re: the constant wearing you down with comments as no one but you knows the situation and personality involved but rather than save it up and challenge him occasionally could a calm 'I find that really upsetting/undermining/unhelpful' response be of any use? Good luck OP. Please start keeping notes ASAP Flowers

junebirthdaygirl · 27/12/2022 10:30

This is horrendous abuse. How well do you get on with your parents? If you find it hard to say out loud what's happening let them read what you wrote and unless they are monsters they should help you. Do you have any siblings who might support you.
Please stay on here and get the support you need as many others have done and now live free. This is not your fault in any way. This man is vile.

MissMogwai · 27/12/2022 10:32

I do understand it's hard to leave for various economic and physical reasons, but anything's got to be better than what you have now.

Imagine leaving and then the freedom to just be, see your parents, read a bloody book or drive without nasty, abusive comments, being controlled, or apologising for nothing. Without being treated like shit by someone who doesn't care about you, because he doesn't.

He sounds awful - don't waste another minute with this monster.