I've nearly reached my limit

[Aquamarine1029]

I love my mother but she is driving me absolutely fucking crazy. When we visit or she comes to mine, I am keenly reminded why I chose to move far away 20+ years ago.

Thank god for wine. Rant over.

You'll miss her when she's no longer there. I'd give anything to have my mum back for 10 minutes

I hate this response, you don't know theoir relationship. Maybe she wont miss her when she's gone, MAybe she'll be relieved. Maybe she will miss her, but that doesn't change the fact that she's struggling now, does it?

It's such a martyry, patronising, infantile response. Totally unhelpful.

Oh here we go with the 'you'll miss her when she's gone'. OP is allowed to have a rant if she wants one.

I hear you op. Ive a 40 minute limit before im tearing my hair out with my mum. I will muss her when she is gone but that doesnt mean she isnt and hasnt been a massive pain in the arse.

Same for me, I never get on with my mum. Now we live 5000 miles away. Every time I visited her, we ended up arguing. Every time she visited, we ended up arguing. But still, I miss her. It's a curse and blessing at the same time. Cherish the moment.

Yes, definitely she is. But there are many who doesn't have that luxury. And they are equally allowed to state what they feel.

Yes definitely she is. But there are many who doesn't have that luxury. And they are equally allowed to state what they feel.

The poster told OP how she should be feeling. OP might not miss her mother. My mum died in February this year nine weeks after dad. I miss the pair of them so much but I wouldn't dream of telling someone else how they should feel.

Then they can start their own thread to do so.

Fight! Fight!

IToldYouAmillionTimesAlready here we go again. She may well miss her mum when she's gone. I miss my parents now they're not here but they still irritated me at times and I'm sure I got on their nerves too!

This thread escalated quickly.

Nobody has the right to tell other people how to feel.

I actively dislike my mother, I certainly don’t love her. I moved 2000km away and it gives me peace of mind.

Rant away OP and ignore the thought and feeling police.

Absolutely.

The best thing my Mum ever did for me was die. Narcissistic, alcoholic, selfish arsehole. It was only when she died when I was 32 that I got to start living my life without her shadow.

op rant away. Sometimes it helps 🎄💐

But it's just not necessary.

Not everyone has a good relationship with their parents and not everyone WILL miss them when they go.

If you want to talk about how much you miss your parents, you're of course welcome to start your own thread.

My mother is dying. I think (and she agrees) we’ve 6 months left. I am bereft and have spent most of today in silent, red, tears.

I will not miss my mother driving me batshit crazy on a daily / hourly basis. No siree. Not a moment of knowing about random aged neighbours grandchildren’s cat.

I will miss my mum every single minute of every single hour for the rest of my life.

solidarity OP.

I hate this reply! My mum died 3 days before Christmas and it’s devastated me. If she suddenly reappeared, I know we’d be driving each other nuts within 20 mins. My friend’s mum drives her crazy and I’m happy to listen to her ranting like she did with me when my mum was here. It’s so cruel to make people feel bad for having a difficult relationship and having a wee vent about it. It’s really unfair to play the ‘one day you’ll be sorry’ card. Can’t stand that.

@ColdHandsHotHead and @thelobsterquadrille

I don't understand why. People have all the different thoughts and experiences.
Why can't he response be from people who lost the parents and miss them? It's a perspective. I haven't lost my parents yet, and this will make me think how fortunate I am.
I'm all for ranting, if it keeps people sane. But equally, people are allowed to say how lucky they are to feel this.

some people seem confused about why the “you’ll miss them when they’re gone” response is a problem.

It is because it’s not an emphatic response. It’s not attempting to understand the place the person is at and their upset at the situation they describe. Instead it’s undermining their upset, minimising it and it comes across as telling someone to stop complaining on the basis that the person they are complaining about will one day die. All in all it’s just a bizarre response. I’ve got lots of people I’m going to miss if they die….doesn’t mean I won’t moan about them occasionally.

Also as an additional layer it’s like trying to make someone feel guilty for their feelings. Like they shouldn’t express negative feelings.

It's also potentially damaging. Some parents drive their DC nuts and some are toxic and abusive.

People are allowed to moan about the former and have boundaries with the latter - it's not always OK to put up just because they might not always be there.

Personally- I'm loving having all my DC and their partners round. But for the love of god I wish they had a volume switch.

Ah yes, this old shit trotted out, per usual.

Yes, I'll miss her in many, many ways, and I'd never be "happy" that she's gone, but she has caused so much unnecessary bullshit that I have the right to be exhausted from her. My mother is mostly a very wonderful, tolerant person, yet oddly, quite often, not with me. And for absolutely no reason. It does my head in.

Thanks to those who get it.

There's always one.

Impressively quick.

I could have written this post 😫

I think it's completely empathic response. People normally understand it's hard to deal with other people, because they do everyday.
But it's ok to express negative feelings, I don't think anyone is disputing that, are they?
Once they are gone, they are gone is great response, imo. Because it's true. It's not undermining people's feeling, they are just stating the fact. Because once they are gone, they are gone, right? You hate your mum, so get angry and ignore her. Great. But then when she's gone, that's it. Done. No more heartache about how horrible she is/was. But at the same time, no more of interacting with her.

@grapehyacinthisactuallyblue the phrase is “you will miss her when she’s gone”. That’s not simply stating a fact. That’s telling someone how you think they’ll feel when there parent has passed. When that is the only response you give to someone ranting about a parent that is far from empathic. It doesn’t encourahe further sharing of issues but in fact would close down a conversation because how could you keep ranting when you’re being asked to think about how you’d feel id the person you moaned about died.

it’s odd because it’s not a response you’d give to another relationship. If someone was moaning about their child you wouldn’t say “well if they died you’d miss them” would you. I dunno, to me it just seems a really bizarre and insensitive response. Maybe it’s a personality difference in the people that do and don’t think it’s an ok response.

There's always one.

The thing is, how misguided the personas a parent can be, they normally loves their children and want the best for them.

All the people who feel this way are happy if your children felt this way about you, as a parent?

I now understand what my parents said to me because I am a parent now. They mean well, but like who I am now, they are not educated/mature/ whatever reason why they are not the best.

I think the you'll miss her when she's gone, is a statement. It isn't telling people how to respond, or minimising their feelings. My mother used to drive me mad because she just didn't understand me or try to, or it was beyond her ability due to the times in which she grew up. But I do miss her dreadfully. Nothing really prepares you for losing a parent.

As for Op, yep, I agree, it's the nature of some mothers, they drive you mad.