Visiting abusive dad for my mum's sake. Not sure I can do this anymore.

[workistoomuch]

My parents are still together. My dad has a history of verbal and physical abuse (I think the physical was only with me, never saw it directed at my mum but he is so rude to her, constantly playing power games, controlling, shouting and she gets really upset. I don't understand why she stays. He wants to control everyone around him. When I was a teenager school called social services, a couple of times I had to be hidden in buildings away from him as he was patrolling angrily, he would get so angry and pick me up and shake me, throw things at me, tell me I had no friends and that everyone hated me etc.

I'm here for Christmas because my mum wanted me to be. He has already been so rude to me and her. We have more family coming over later and my mum really doesn't want me to leave. How do any of you with similar parents cope?

I love my mum so much and I want things to be ok her but there is also a tiny and really guilty feeling part of me that is angry at her for not leaving him and making me go through everything I did. I really want to put distance between us but I can't hurt my mum even more. I feel so lost.

You have Christmas in a hotel and your mum can come. Empower your mother don’t weaken your boundaries x

He would never let that happen and she would be way too scared of the consequences to accept that unfortunately. It would be a dream though.

I could suggest hosting ay my house next year but he wouldn't easily accept that either due to lack of control he would have. He would probably cause a scene there too.

Go out for a long pre-lunch walk.
And a long post-lunch walk.

I love my mum so much and I want things to be ok her but there is also a tiny and really guilty feeling part of me that is angry at her for not leaving him and making me go through everything I did.

This is valid and you shouldn’t feel guilty. You were a child and neither parent protected you. It’s possible to empathise with your mum and the abuse she suffered while at the same time recognising that she let you down. And even now, you’re thinking of and prioritising her more than she’s thinking of and prioritising you.

You need to do what’s right for you, because nobody else has.

I’m sorry you’re in this situation but you need to find your way out of the FOG.

Will he kick off in front of the other guests? I think you have a good opportunity today to have him arrested today. As soon as he starts, I'd be discreteely reporting him for intimidation & aggressive behaviour. Inform the police that he's done it before and your mum is terrifed of violence if he gets out. Let the police know that he's been physically abusive with you before. Remember, controlling and coercive behaviour is illegal now.

Then change the locks and don't let him return, your mum has been frightened into submission.

Use this coming year as the year you will tackle this/or reassert your boundaries, so you don’t have to do this next year.

I had a very unpredictable FIL who used to ‘go off on one’ quite often. It was duck and run in that house.

Best of luck.

Do you have children op?

You can't set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm. Your mum is using you as a human shield, just as she did when you were a child.

Make this the last Christmas. I recommend counselling to decide what you want to do next and a visit to the Stately Homes thread on here, where they have lived through it all and can give you better advice than I can.

You have nothing to feel guilty about. To echo the others, what he is doing is illegal and wrong.

He would kick off in front of them as he just thinks it's ok, I don't think he sees anything wrong with his behaviour. All our family talk about it and my mums friends have even approached me worried. She broke her wrist a few years ago and the police cane to do a welfare check or something like that. My dad was so angry as he thinks someone asked them to. She really had fallen but his anger says a lot.

I really don't think she wants to leave though. She wouldn't want a big scene. She just seems to want to keep on stoically carrying on.

On the outside they have what looks like a very privileged life and I wonder if she is worried about the financial consequences. She has put so much effort into this home but she would easily be comfortable if she left though and I think earns more than him.

Their lives are so tangled together that maybe she just sees it as too much upheaval to leave. I really don't know.

I don't but I have a wonderful partner who sadly is visiting his family abroad this year (sadly for me of course, not him!)

I worry about having children and wanting to allow my mum to have a close relationship with them but wanting him to keep his distance. She would be heartbroken if I pushed her away from her grandchildren.

OP you shouldn’t have to be at their house. Today, I agree with the long walk before and after lunch. But in future, do your own thing at Christmas and don’t go to their house again. Explain to your mother why you aren’t. She is an adult and has made her choice and needs to deal with the consequences. You can show you love her throughout the year in ways that don’t involve you being around your dad. It’s okay to have that boundary and still love your mum and be a good daughter to her. Good luck for today x

I realise there are all kinds of dynamics at play in an abusive relationship, which I don't understand. He is an abuser but your mum's behaviour towards you is equally abusive. She has no right to continue demanding this of you.
Please seek counselling for yourself OP to help you navigate your way to a place where you don't feel the need to be, as another PP has said, a human shield for your mum.

It is your Mum's decision to stay with him and you don't have to feel guilty about being a 'tiny bit angry' about it.

Personally, I would arrange Christmas with friends in future and leave your parents to it. You don't need to be sucked back into this toxic situation. I think you need to work on your boundaries.

If and when you have any children, do not let him anywhere near them. It's your Mum's choice about whatever relationship she may or may not have with them.

Leave, OP. Don't ever see him again. See your mum away from him.

You are not doing her any favours by tolerating his behaviour. She is your mum, it was her job to protect you. Her keeping you in that situation was abuse too and she's enabling his abuse even now.

The only boundaries you can set are your own. You won't be able to support her until you can do that. Lots of people find this course helpful: www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/online.php

Get some counselling in the new year OP. As PP have said, you're still in the fog of it. It will give new perspective - as other have said you can't burn yourself to keep her happy. She's an adult and she's letting you down every time she insists on carrying on as if it's fine. Maybe you setting boundaries would force her into action or give her clarity on the consequences of staying with him. (There aren't really any at the moment as everyone carries on as if all is fine!) get counselling before you have kids so your situation is addressed and boundaries set before they are exposed to the current unhealthy dynamic. Sending courage and hugs!

She would be heartbroken if I pushed her away from her grandchildren.

She knows what she needs to do then, doesn't she?!

I get you saying she felt she had to stay with him but honestly, if my DH physically and emotionally abused our children, I would not allow it to happen, unlike your mother - who did allow it. ^^

Please don’t carry the guilt. We are not responsible for our parents’ happiness. You are not responsible for maintaining the toxic status quo between your mum and dad. She placed staying with him over your wellbeing - yes, that’s harsh but also true. Because she chose to stay with an abuser, you don’t have to engage with him. If you are already there, put a limit on the stay and stick to it. Make it your new year’s resolution to look after yourself and hold your boundaries on contact with your dad. I know it must feel awful leaving your mum in this situation, but you can only support her if she helps herself. Does she have the numbers for her local domestic abuse service, police, any other places she might need? Make sure she has the information and make it clear you are being abused every time you visit, that you won’t see her at home and that you will happily see her outside the home and not with him. You are not breaking off contact. You would not be abandoning her, though that is the message you will get. The kindest thing you can do for both of you is to model good boundaries and self-respect.

Thank you so much everyone. I have taken your advice and gone for a really long walk which is giving me much needed headspace. Just saw a lovely dad playing with his child and cried a lot. You are all absolutely right in that I need to take action. I'm doing too much of what my mum does...trying to carry on and hope things get better. I'm going to talk to her about it after the stress of Christmas is over as well, explaining why I'm doing it but also let her know if she does decide leaving is thr right thing I will be 100% there for her, with spare bedrooms and whatever she needs and let her know her friends will be too.

Thank you so much for the suggestions for courses and counselling.

She totally and completely failed you OP

i wouldn’t let your parents be within a 5 mile radius of my children if I knew who they were.

And if they were my parents, make that 5mile radius, 50 miles

@Craftycorvid Thank you so much for this message, it is really helping me put things in perspective and feel better about knowing those boundaries are the right thing.