Name changed for this.
Had a little wobble tonight and feeling awful.
I’m nearly 32, with my Dh for 16 years.
3 dc aged 17, 14,12
oldest dc was born after I naively “fell in love” with a 21 year old, pressured me into sex and fell pregnant that one and only time, he soon scarpered.
Kept the pregnancy a secret, knew nothing of terminations or even contraception for that matter.
Also abused by an uncle around the same time, I pretended to be asleep whilst he did it and never said anything to stop him.
I did tell a neighbour at the time, who then told my family, who then thought neighbour was lying and just trying to cause trouble, so I pretended like it didn’t happen. Told my mum the truth around 2 years ago, she didn’t say much, rather just stopped mentioning the uncles name in front of me. Grandfather asked if I would report him, because he didn’t want me to.
I have a younger sis (by 3 years), her DF and my DM divorced when I was 10, I called him and knew him as daddy even though I knew he really wasn’t. When they divorced he stopped all contact with me, would take my sis to stay with him for weekends, she got Christmas presents, birthday cards, phone calls. He’s never spoken to me since.
I’m mixed race, my DM doesn’t know who my DF is but always said he was from a specific country. DNA test done and the ethnicity I thought I was, is not that. Mum was shocked and then commented that’s obviously why I was 3 weeks late, she just thought it was another bloke.
I was moved schools and houses constantly between my DM and DGP growing up as I was bullied and racially harassed quite horrifically.
Think 30or so youths lined up on the street throwing eggs at the windows and chanting. Had a brick thrown at my head, a knife held at my throat, beaten black and blue in broad daylight in the middle of the street. All that got one person an £60 fine that was paid £2.50 a week, this part was all before the age of 13. My maternal family is white British, so I am really the odd one out.
I don’t really know the point of writing all this, I’m just feeling like I was only put on this earth to be punished and tortured and as some sort of play thing for other people.
I have my lovely children, but my dh, in all honesty I don’t love him anymore, nothing wrong in our relationship, other than I don’t love him, I’ve tried, but I can’t force it. He knows this, but he loves and respects me still.
I wish I had a dad, whoever he is, he doesn’t even know I exist so it’s not like he could ever find me.
Ive written this down, but how can one person be handed so much shit, more than some people ever deal with in a lifetime. It’s only me in my family that has had such horrific crap to deal with, it’s like it’s me that’s the problem and not anyone else