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Original poster

How did you navigate teen bf/gf sleepovers?!

25 replies

OhDN · 22/12/2022 19:57

Help! DS 16 has his first ‘girlfriend’. He wouldn’t call her that but they spend lots of time together. He has got to know her parents well and spends lots of time there. We’ve spoken about sex and he says they’re nowhere near there yet. We’ve spoken about when they are and just to keep talking to us, and have established she has a good and open relationship with her mum and he says she talks to her mum about everything and will be able to ensure she has protection etc when the time comes and we’ve talked about condoms too and his responsibility. He just randomly asked can he stay over tonight at hers and when pushed said in her room. I’ve said no and that we need to chat more before we allow that as last we spoke he said they weren’t even ‘together’. He’s accepted that - he’s a sensible lad and knows I will allow things if I possibly can, ie I wouldn’t just say no without really thinking it through. But when did you allow this? Do I speak to her parents?! How do I navigate this? Eek! Thanks in advance for your wisdom!

OP posts:
Onthecuspofabreakthrough · 22/12/2022 20:01

I wouldn't allow it at all, while still at school etc. Different if you end up with a working ds still living at home. Why is it an inevitable part of a teen, first relationship?

KindergartenKop · 22/12/2022 20:07

Is he y11 or 12? I'd be more inclined to say yes if hes in y12. Maybe say you think he should have some GCSEs under his belt before he becomes a father 😂

caz198917 · 22/12/2022 20:07

He's 16 I would just let him. If he's going to have sex he will anyway. People don't need to sleepover to have sex

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AlcoholFear · 22/12/2022 20:09

I’d get him some condoms and let him go

TurtleTriplets · 22/12/2022 20:10

I think if they had been together longer I would allow it when they finish year 11, too distracting during gcse year to be having such an intense relationship with sleepovers and such m.

girlmom21 · 22/12/2022 20:11

He'll just have sex in the daytime if he's not allowed to stay overnight.

comical2023 · 22/12/2022 20:12

No sleepovers until uni. No need, non negotiable

Original poster
OhDN · 22/12/2022 20:13

Sorry yes, I should have clarified. They are Year 12. Definitely wouldn’t have even been a consideration last year when he was desperately trying to make sure he passed his exams first time after struggling a little through school and having a late dyslexia diagnosis (he worked his socks off and did pass thankfully, with flying colours actually and I was so proud of him)

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 22/12/2022 20:14

comical2023 · 22/12/2022 20:12

No sleepovers until uni. No need, non negotiable

Does the same apply to all friends through childhood?

Saturdaydreamingway2355555 · 22/12/2022 20:17

15/16 - year 10/11/12 perfectly fine, realistically if they are going to have sex they will no matter what, whether you let the other person sleep over or not, they will find a way. Much better being in a controlled safe place at home

comical2023 · 22/12/2022 20:18

No it applies to any boyfriends or girlfriends. I know they’ll have sex and that’s fine, but sleeping over takes the relationship to another level, becomes a regular expectation and in my opinion it’s important to have boundaries and a safe space from a relationship to reduce the risk of it become too intense before they’re emotionally able to deal with it. It becomes a faux living together relationship which I don’t think is right when they’re still at school.

Luredbyapomegranate · 22/12/2022 20:18

Well, when they want to have sex they will anyway.

I would talk to them both and her parents and say that your concern is that given they’ve said they aren’t anywhere sex as yet, you think sharing a room could hasten it before they are ready. So you’d rather he stayed in the spare/sitting room for now and review in 3 months.

Saturdaydreamingway2355555 · 22/12/2022 20:18

@comical2023 Bit of a naive approach

Hurdling · 22/12/2022 20:20

We allowed once my son said they were in a relationship, talked about contraception and bought condoms. I trust them to make sensible choices and we have a good relationship. It’s been a few months now and they don’t sleep over at each other’s house that often, they both have their priorities straight and are mature enough to handle it.

comical2023 · 22/12/2022 20:20

Saturdaydreamingway2355555 · 22/12/2022 20:18

@comical2023 Bit of a naive approach

Not even slightly, it’s not about sex. I’m not stupid enough to think they won’t do it but I don’t need to encourage them having that intense kind of relationship that sleep overs bring when they’re at school.

Braveheart35 · 22/12/2022 20:22

comical2023 · 22/12/2022 20:18

No it applies to any boyfriends or girlfriends. I know they’ll have sex and that’s fine, but sleeping over takes the relationship to another level, becomes a regular expectation and in my opinion it’s important to have boundaries and a safe space from a relationship to reduce the risk of it become too intense before they’re emotionally able to deal with it. It becomes a faux living together relationship which I don’t think is right when they’re still at school.

This. Which I wish I had applied to my DD's first relationship. Siblings should also be taken into consideration.

1994girl · 22/12/2022 20:28

Even when I was 23, I wasn't even allowed my partner upstairs and his Mum was the same. And I won't be allowing my son either.

FTY765 · 22/12/2022 20:29

I agree with comical2023.
And I think in the real world most people do.

girlmom21 · 22/12/2022 20:32

comical2023 · 22/12/2022 20:18

No it applies to any boyfriends or girlfriends. I know they’ll have sex and that’s fine, but sleeping over takes the relationship to another level, becomes a regular expectation and in my opinion it’s important to have boundaries and a safe space from a relationship to reduce the risk of it become too intense before they’re emotionally able to deal with it. It becomes a faux living together relationship which I don’t think is right when they’re still at school.

That's a very fair point actually

Rainbowqueeen · 22/12/2022 20:33

Completely agree with @comical2023

Sex is only part of a relationship. Saying that it’s fine to have them sleep over because they’ll have sex anyway ignores all the other parts of a relationship.

troppibambini6 · 22/12/2022 20:34

I've just been going through this with dd. She had her first boyfriend she is 17 and in year 13. They are having sex which is fine, she's on the pill and her bedroom is at the end of an internal corridor off the main landing so quite private.
I just don't feel comfortable with him staying in her room overnight. I have 3 younger children and it's just doesn't feel right.
She stays at his one night at the weekend which I'm fine with. He is in her room when he comes over and I'm sure they are probably having sex but for some reason the staying over thing just doesn't feel right.

summergone · 22/12/2022 20:36

How long have they been together ?

Lenald · 22/12/2022 20:38

OhDN · 22/12/2022 19:57

Help! DS 16 has his first ‘girlfriend’. He wouldn’t call her that but they spend lots of time together. He has got to know her parents well and spends lots of time there. We’ve spoken about sex and he says they’re nowhere near there yet. We’ve spoken about when they are and just to keep talking to us, and have established she has a good and open relationship with her mum and he says she talks to her mum about everything and will be able to ensure she has protection etc when the time comes and we’ve talked about condoms too and his responsibility. He just randomly asked can he stay over tonight at hers and when pushed said in her room. I’ve said no and that we need to chat more before we allow that as last we spoke he said they weren’t even ‘together’. He’s accepted that - he’s a sensible lad and knows I will allow things if I possibly can, ie I wouldn’t just say no without really thinking it through. But when did you allow this? Do I speak to her parents?! How do I navigate this? Eek! Thanks in advance for your wisdom!

All the parents that say they won’t allow it won’t stop their kid from having sex. Not only that but it demonises sex, which is normal and natural. Give him some condoms and send him on his way. As uncomfortable as it is his sex life is his and only his - if its consensual between two people the same age I really think it’s best to stay out of it.

would you rather they have sex in her house or at the local park?

Sagittarius25 · 22/12/2022 20:38

I met my now DH when we were both in school. We got together when I was 14 he was 15. Until we were both 16 if we stayed over it would be in separate rooms (this only ever happened a handful of times and at my house because my parents had the space). Once both 16 it was allowed in one room. To be honest it's good he's having open sensible convos with you regarding the relationship and safe sex. But he's 16, and like others said, if they want to have sex and you don't let them sleep over they will find another time for it!

Tilllly · 22/12/2022 21:14

Sagittarius25 · 22/12/2022 20:38

I met my now DH when we were both in school. We got together when I was 14 he was 15. Until we were both 16 if we stayed over it would be in separate rooms (this only ever happened a handful of times and at my house because my parents had the space). Once both 16 it was allowed in one room. To be honest it's good he's having open sensible convos with you regarding the relationship and safe sex. But he's 16, and like others said, if they want to have sex and you don't let them sleep over they will find another time for it!

That sounds sensible and open

My DS was staying over at his gf when they were 16 (well nearly 17 - covid scuppered them before 🤣) and 3 years on and separate universities, they're still together

Was an open chat with her parents that made it easier

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