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Original poster

Why do people offer to help then don't !!

27 replies

lollipoprainbow · 22/12/2022 16:28

I was chatting to me ex sil at a funeral a couple of months ago about my dd who is autistic. She also has an older dd with it and we were comparing notes on how difficult things are and she offered to meet up for a coffee/drink to talk more about it and to offer further advice. I said that would be great. She emailed the next day to reiterate what she had said and I replied saying I would love to meet up soon. She didn't reply for weeks, then said she had only just seen my message and to say she could meet whenever. I replied to say it would be great to meet in a couple of weeks and since then nothing !!! I'm really puzzled and feel a bit silly. I feel she would have offered me some great advice as she is further along the autism journey as her dd is much older then mine. Don't feel I can message her again, just really disappointed!

OP posts:
AllOfThemWitches · 22/12/2022 16:30

Sorry but the reason is probably the autistic child. I have one, I rarely commit to plans.

SnarkyBag · 22/12/2022 16:31

I think you need to be less vague in your messages and ask “are you free on on x or y date for a catch up?” Rather than just say let’s meet up soon.

Yroutine · 22/12/2022 16:31

When she said she had only just seen your message and could meet whenever, that was for you to suggest a date. You brushed her off by saying it would be great to meet in a couple of weeks.

Original poster
lollipoprainbow · 22/12/2022 16:31

@AllOfThemWitches so why offer then?!

OP posts:
ShirleyPhallus · 22/12/2022 16:32

she made an offer, the onus is on you to suggest a meeting time / place, otherwise it’s just going back and forth saying it would be nice to meet

id reply again and suggest an actual plan

AllOfThemWitches · 22/12/2022 16:32

Maybe she felt at the time that she would like to, then life got on top of her?

OriginalUsername2 · 22/12/2022 17:20

You need to actually suggest a time and place, don’t leave it on her to do the brain work.

twatmas · 22/12/2022 20:38

You're the one that's come across flakey. Twice she has said she'd like to meet, and both times you've just pretty much said the same thing. You should've replied with dates and times as your replies are very wishy washy and caused this back and fourth of 4+ emails with no date secured.

Original poster
lollipoprainbow · 22/12/2022 21:09

@twatmas I said Thursdays were good for me, if someone offers to meet up surely they should call the shots on when.

OP posts:
GoodVibesHere · 22/12/2022 21:12

She made the offer, so why aren't you setting a date? You're being a bit passive or even maybe lazy waiting for her to sort it out. You need to make an effort!

Survey99 · 22/12/2022 21:12

This might seem quite radical. Why not pick up the phone and call her and make arrangements?

Dacadactyl · 22/12/2022 21:13

I think that in this case its entirely appropriate to send a message saying something like "I'd really appreciate your input on DD and how best I can help her. It'd be great if we could meet up for a coffee on Thursday xxxx date. Please let me know if you can make it. Thanks"

Original poster
lollipoprainbow · 22/12/2022 21:13

@Survey99 We aren't at all close so wouldn't want to ring her. Not sure what her number is anyway. This was done through Facebook messenger. I was surprised when she offered really.

OP posts:
Coffeellama · 22/12/2022 21:14

I’d message again in the new year and say something alone the lines of ‘hope you had a good Christmas, are you free any Saturdays this month’ or similar with whatever days work. She’s probably busy, it’s Christmas!

pelargoniums · 22/12/2022 21:15

OK, so Thursdays are good for you. Email/message/call her and say: “Are you free Thursday X January? If morning or afternoon, I can do 11am or 3pm for coffee – there’s a great cafe on the high street, let me know which time and I’ll book a table for tea and cake.

Alternatively if it’s easier I can come to yours on another day – let me know some dates.”

Otherwise you’ll be replying “let’s meet!” at each other for all eternity.

BlandSoup · 22/12/2022 21:16

You need to ask a date. Not just say it’d be nice to meet in a few weeks. I would assume you were brushing me off.

Original poster
lollipoprainbow · 22/12/2022 21:17

The message is sitting there unread still, I'm sure she's seen it as she's always on Facebook. Bit odd.

OP posts:
UsingChangeofName · 22/12/2022 21:20

Agree with several pps - from what you've written, she's offered 2 or 3 times to meet with you and you have brushed her off.

Why didn't you say "Can you make Thursday at 10 o'clock ? You are very welcome to come to me or would you prefer to meet for a fancy coffee in the High Street ?" {obviously inserting whatever details suited}

TheYearOfSmallThings · 22/12/2022 21:22

You're actually doing the same thing on this thread 😂, not acknowledging the need to be specific.

tickticksnooze · 22/12/2022 21:22

I would have suggested some dates you could do. Your response does sound like a brush off.

pelargoniums · 22/12/2022 21:25

lollipoprainbow · 22/12/2022 21:17

The message is sitting there unread still, I'm sure she's seen it as she's always on Facebook. Bit odd.

Christ almighty this is like blood from a stone.

It’s unread! Next time she replies saying “Sorry, just seen this” reply with (a) your mobile number and (b) a specific date, time and venue, plus “Let me know if that works – if not, what days are good for you? I’ll come to you to make things easier, and bring biscuits”.

Original poster
lollipoprainbow · 22/12/2022 21:25

Ffs I said how about a Thursday in a couple of weeks time ! Anyway she hasn't read the message and that was weeks ago so I'm going to leave it. Thanks for your replies.

OP posts:
Survey99 · 23/12/2022 00:52

lollipoprainbow · 22/12/2022 21:13

@Survey99 We aren't at all close so wouldn't want to ring her. Not sure what her number is anyway. This was done through Facebook messenger. I was surprised when she offered really.

You don't need to be "close" to just phone someone, you can even call over facebook. If you really cannot bring yourself to resolve the problem of making arrangements by simply calling in person maybe just give up on the idea of actually meeting up.

Original poster
lollipoprainbow · 23/12/2022 00:53

If you really cannot bring yourself to resolve the problem of making arrangements by simply calling in person maybe just give up on the idea of actually meeting up.

I have.

OP posts:
GoodVibesHere · 23/12/2022 06:08

lollipoprainbow · 22/12/2022 21:25

Ffs I said how about a Thursday in a couple of weeks time ! Anyway she hasn't read the message and that was weeks ago so I'm going to leave it. Thanks for your replies.

A Thursday in a couple of weeks' time isn't specific! Which Thursday?!

Give her a date and time!