How do you let past trauma "go"

[RainbowRaine]

Everyone keeps telling me to let the past stuff go, but no one can tell me how?

I divorced a narcissistic alcoholic this year and we are slowly recovering for the trauma he caused us all.

Ex has a brand new great shiny life and I'm helping the kids to deal with what they went through and witnessed everyday.

So how do I let it go, when everyday, I'm seeing more and more the damage he has done to our DC.

It’s too early, not even a year - and your holding your own trauma and your kids experience too and that’s going to take a while even to understand the full impact on you all.

You can firstly recognise that you’re all dealing with trauma which brings emotional and physical reactions. Take your time with things, give yourself and the kids space to rest and recover - lots of nurturing for you all, down days, comfort so your bodies can reset, you’ll all have been living on adrenaline and cortisol which keeps your whole system in high alert.

Try to get outside, fresh air, long walks are very regulating for kids (and adults). Counselling may help you find a space to get angry or upset or just vent about the unfairness of it all. And to process your own reactions, to understand how your experience has shaped your coping strategies and, importantly, to help you avoid ever being in that situation again by helping you set clear boundaries for yourself.

You’re having a normal, human reaction to awful circumstances so try not to blame yourself for not being over it sooner. If you look after yourself you’ll come through it.

Regularly see a good therapist if you can...I did a lot on my own, read books, did research etc, but having a trained professionally registered person involved really improved things.

There's loads of books that can help, tbh I'd post on 'relationships' as you'd probably pick up more specific answers there.

Therapy. I had EMDR therapy for trauma which helped me process it safely. It's also going to take time as it's still pretty fresh for all of you.

I don’t have a definitive answer to this, but I had a traumatic past / childhood. I cannot ever forget but I have moved on in many ways. The main thing that helped me was essentially focusing on what ‘could’ be rather than what ‘had been’ and aiming myself at that. What it meant though is that I had to leave some people behind for good, because all of the ‘could’ (new relationships, removal of drama, removal of things that hurt) involved permanent removal from people who are very unlikely to change. This would be really hard in your case, but can you limit how much exposure you have to your ex?

this is really hard to do when you are in the middle of something really hurtful and stressful and it’s impossible to see where you want to be when you are suffering.

in my case I started trying to look after myself better, and say yes to more things (to create the opportunities for different things to happen) what followed was a new relationship / friendships / life.

at no point did I just forget and move on, it’s more like 10 years later my past is not really part of my life and I don’t think about it much. I also had some therapy which helped me see that the way people had treated me was not my fault, but also that I couldn’t change it and I needed to affect change where I did have power.

I think what I am trying to say is that you can move on, it might not look how you think it will, but one day this will be ancient history and irrelevant because you will be happier in your life. If you need therapy / support you should reach out, but try not lose sight of what could be now you have the chance to move on.

In my case with extensive therapy and even then I cried all the way to work today because its Christmas and I don't have a loving family. I have complex PTSD from child abuse and I'm 60 now.
I am unable to have relationships with men because I don't trust anyone.
Don't expect to just "get over" this. It takes a long time and its a matter of taking it day by day.
I make sure I treat myself regularly (not with food or alcohol) and just try to find a bit of joy in each day as it comes.

Talking therapy!

I also doubt your ex has an amazing new life. The alcoholism and narcicissm will return to bite him on the arse.

Try and access help through school for the children and if you can afford it a good counsellor for yourself. You all need an outlet and try not to keep it in. It will take time but you have taken the biggest step by getting out of the situation.

I dont really know if some if the things I've been through constitute trauma or not. Sometimes I think I should be more affected by things than I am. But for me I guess I decided that they had my time, energy even my body at the time and that I'm not letting them have it now. Not least when they won't even remember me. Or give it a second thought. Personally I'm not into the idea of someone monetising , exaggerating my experiences in order to analyse me and pat themselves on the back for solving issues that I've lived with fine. But I'm pretty good at compartmentalisation.

For me it was just a decision. To not let them take any more of me. Because I want something left for those who actually matter. And because if I survived that I can survive anything but not if I let it take over my head space. Everything lead me here. Its not the best place in the world but I think I would have been worse off long term if the thing I'm talking about never happened. Because as awful as it was, I dont think I'd be the me I am right now if it hadn't happened.

Sorry if that's a little cryptic I hope it makes sense.

Listen to Carolyn Spring's podcasts. She's a survivor of horrendous abuse and has some very useful advice, information and support.