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ASD ... he's not that bad.

16 replies

Asd22 · 21/12/2022 13:00

I know someone who works in a nursery There are a couple of children in the nursery that have asd. Friend does not have a qualification in special needs/asd. But will have some experience because of the fact she works with them.

But she thinks she (knows) everything. My child is not that bad. She (knows) because she works with children who have asd.

There is stuff she really does not understand. Like my son has good speech. You can understand each word he says . So she thinks that hes fine . When in fact he cant hold a 2 way conversation. He cant follow simple instructions without lots of prompting. He's in year 3 but working at reception level. He has ehcp with a 121.

When things are to much for him he withdraws into himself so he can go unnoticed.

When I try to explain to her. she says he's not that bad. She says oh come on there are children who are much more server who cant even feed themselves . In nappys all day cant speak at all etc. Which is true there are children with special needs worse of than my child. But that does not mean it's OK to dismiss my child's needs.

In reality she does not havecam effect on us. Just does my head I'm. So this post is just a moan really

.

OP posts:
NippyWoowoo · 21/12/2022 13:08

Tell her next time that she's being dismissive. Other children 'having it worse' doesn't make your child 'have it easier'. He has a diagnosis for a reason. Hopefully saying it once to her is enough to stop it.

Sirzy · 21/12/2022 13:10

I would tell her that it’s not a race to the bottom and point out how offensive what she is saying is. Then I would cut ties if she doesn’t listen

TinFoilHatty · 21/12/2022 13:11

Ugh these type of comments are so, so unhelpful!

I think maybe stop engaging with her about your lovely lad. Just mmhmm and move the conversation on.

Have a non Mumsnetty hug, don't tell anyone, I have a reputation to keep up.

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SnowAndIceLobelia · 21/12/2022 13:16

I am paraphrasing here but there used to be a saying 'My autism is not 'mild'. You just experience it mildly'. In other words it is completely irrelevant what she thinks. She does not get to make a judgement about how your son's autism affects him.

VioletLemon · 21/12/2022 13:28

As you said, she's not an expert in ASD. She sounds to be lacking in insight and self awareness too, to be honest.

ASD is a spectrum, of course and while the diagnostic manual 5 seems to be putting too many things in the spectrum, it still is the big picture. It's insulting that your friend is projecting her ignorance onto your own child's presentation. Sorry if this sounds dismissive, I hear alot of armchair experts talking about serious conditions that they feel like an expert on, but aren't. ASD is difficult & no matter how well the person 'functions' there can be many challenges. Hyperlexic children who read very early, compute numbers v early can have huge difficulties around anxieties and routine etc but some people can't see that due to the presentation of some of their strengths. I think your friend should shut up!!!

SnowAndIceLobelia · 21/12/2022 13:37

tbh people can be utter idiots around autism. All the cliches get trotted out. Super power. Rain man. Lacking in empathy etc

When Ds1 was first diagnosed, we were having a review session with the ed psych and DS' teacher (so an educational professional) piped up helpfully with 'Oh there is something about autism in the news headlines today!'. Yes- about a person who apparently had autism and had just been convicted of a terrible crime.

Thanks for that. Hmm

Moan away OP. I have found MN a lifeline in many ways. Thanks

Asd22 · 21/12/2022 15:14

VioletLemon · 21/12/2022 13:28

As you said, she's not an expert in ASD. She sounds to be lacking in insight and self awareness too, to be honest.

ASD is a spectrum, of course and while the diagnostic manual 5 seems to be putting too many things in the spectrum, it still is the big picture. It's insulting that your friend is projecting her ignorance onto your own child's presentation. Sorry if this sounds dismissive, I hear alot of armchair experts talking about serious conditions that they feel like an expert on, but aren't. ASD is difficult & no matter how well the person 'functions' there can be many challenges. Hyperlexic children who read very early, compute numbers v early can have huge difficulties around anxieties and routine etc but some people can't see that due to the presentation of some of their strengths. I think your friend should shut up!!!

Exactly. I'm also not an expert. I'm learning all the time and don't fully understand it myself. I understand my child. But that does not mean I understand other people's. Equally his 121 probably has more understanding of him in school. Than I would.

OP posts:
Fladdermus · 21/12/2022 15:24

Forget the smart replies, just tell her to shut the fuck up. She doesn't have a clue what she's talking about and you don't want to hear it. End of.

As an autistic person who's 'not that bad' and a parent to an autistic child who's also 'not that bad' this gives me rage. Just because we can talk well doesn't mean we are suffering inside. As a PP said 'not that bad' is base on how it impacts her not on how it impacts him. It's ignorant and dismissive of a diagnosed disability.

Fladdermus · 21/12/2022 15:25

*aren't suffering

I got so much rage I'm becoming illiterate!

Punxsutawney · 21/12/2022 15:37

'ASD is a spectrum, of course and while the diagnostic manual 5 seems to be putting too many things in the spectrum'.

What are the too many things in the spectrum?

Spendonsend · 21/12/2022 15:38

Its a really dismissive thing to say. If you are looking to a friend for support or just having a moment to let off steam you need to hear 'that sounds tough' or 'can i help with xyz' or 'i didnt know it impacted your child that way'

Itisbetter · 21/12/2022 15:42

Are you starting these conversations about your son? Stop giving her an opening to judge.

Andsoforth · 21/12/2022 15:48

I’d find it hard not to point out where she fits on the spectrum of competence Hmm

Asd22 · 21/12/2022 15:49

Fladdermus · 21/12/2022 15:24

Forget the smart replies, just tell her to shut the fuck up. She doesn't have a clue what she's talking about and you don't want to hear it. End of.

As an autistic person who's 'not that bad' and a parent to an autistic child who's also 'not that bad' this gives me rage. Just because we can talk well doesn't mean we are suffering inside. As a PP said 'not that bad' is base on how it impacts her not on how it impacts him. It's ignorant and dismissive of a diagnosed disability.

That actually makes lot of sense. She does not see it because it has no impact /effect on her . And he's not got a diagnosed for fun

OP posts:
Saz12 · 21/12/2022 16:55

The next time she says “it’s not as bad as Child A’s autism” then counter with, “Its not the same as Child A”.
Because that’s true: your DC isn’t the same as any other DC.

Bananasinpyjamas21 · 21/12/2022 16:59

Not being able to hold a 2 way conversation is ‘significant’, and more ‘significant’ than a lot of people diagnosed with autism who have no problems with speech at all or conversation, she doesn’t know what she’s talking about.

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