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Original poster

Feeling disconcerted by neighbours behaviour

18 replies

Carsleeper · 21/12/2022 11:09

Hi Mumsnet!

I've not posted before but I need some advice on dealing with one of my neighbours. I moved into my first home with my partner in between the 2 lockdowns. Since then I had noticed a chap who lives on our road sleeping in his car. I'd say "hello" etc to him when I saw him out and about but it wasn't until earlier this year that he talked to me more about what's been going on.

He's been in a relationship with his partner for 9 years and has a 7/8 year old kid. His partner is renting their house from the council but has no income so takes half of whatever money he earns. However, their relationship is very volatile and he often ends up kicked out of the house (her house) and so sleeps in his car on the road.

At the time of this conversation (back in April) I suggested some charities to help but he wasn't keen and when he said he didn't see the point in living any more and that he couldn't remember the last time he showered, I invited him to use ours. He didn't take me up on it but did tell me he didn't want me to tell my partner about this. Upon reflection of this conversation, I now feel very uneasy for offering in the first place and uncomfortable that he asked me to lie to my partner (it's his house too!!).

The last few days, I've been home alone (partner visiting his parents for Xmas) and my neighbour has been sleeping outside my house in his car again. Every time I leave or open the door I can feel him staring at me as if he's waiting for me to invite him in or something. To add to the confusion, his direct neighbour is a social worker and hears their rows and has done nothing to help either!

I don't know what to do! Tell him to f* off, ask the police to do a well fare check, contact a charity on his behalf, or continue to ignore him. On one hand I feel terrible for him and his position, on the other, his guy is twice my age and hasn't sought out any professional help and it feels like he's trying to manipulate me! What would you do?

TLDR: male neighbour sleeping in his car and expecting access to my home/facilities?

OP posts:
grapehyacinthisactuallyblue · 21/12/2022 11:14

expecting access to my home/facilities?

It's in your head, he didn't ask, you offered, and he declined. He's an adult, it's not your problem. Don't get involved.

PenanceAdair · 21/12/2022 11:16

Why tell him to f off? He's not expecting anything, is he? You offered and he declined.

You have a right to change your mind so don't offer again and if he brings it up, tell him you're no longer comfortable with it as you have a partner and children (or something else you want to say). Also tell your partner what's going on.

If you're uncomfortable, you can speak to his direct neighbour or ring the police to do a welfare check.

Original poster
Carsleeper · 21/12/2022 11:16

grapehyacinthisactuallyblue · 21/12/2022 11:14

expecting access to my home/facilities?

It's in your head, he didn't ask, you offered, and he declined. He's an adult, it's not your problem. Don't get involved.

Thank you, I think this is what I need to hear! I just feel so awful for his situation!

OP posts:

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Relationship problems
janeeyreair · 21/12/2022 11:17

I think it would be bizarre if you told him to fuck off. Just ignore him and don't engage. what has he actually done? Refused your offer of help and looks at you when you leave your house?

PopsicleHustler · 21/12/2022 11:21

I would never invite a strange man in my home , let alone to have a shower. Imagine, my husband face coming home and he wants to use the toilet and I say no you can't, stranger from outside is using the toilet, even though he is a stranger you don't know really know him. If my husband saw a lady sleeping in her car and asked her if she wants to come in and have a shower, I would think he had lost the plot.

This guy is double your age, old enough to handle his own affairs. You just worry about your own family. If he does stare at you, let him.

Original poster
Carsleeper · 21/12/2022 11:23

Thank you mumsnetters! I knew your sensible words would help me. I have definitely made more of this all in my head and you're correct that he hasn't done anything apart from simply exist!

OP posts:
AliceOlive · 21/12/2022 11:24

Welfare check for sure. Anytime someone talks about taking their life, that’s what you need to do.

I had a man that slept outside in the car on my street, too. I know how difficult it is to take any action.

urbanbuddha · 21/12/2022 11:24

You should tell your partner.
Also contact your local council and see if they can do anything to help him or put him in touch with a charity who might be able to help. It’s a form of domestic abuse. He can get a shower at a leisure centre.

Original poster
Carsleeper · 21/12/2022 11:27

urbanbuddha · 21/12/2022 11:24

You should tell your partner.
Also contact your local council and see if they can do anything to help him or put him in touch with a charity who might be able to help. It’s a form of domestic abuse. He can get a shower at a leisure centre.

I've told my partner everything as it's happened - would never lie to him about a thing! I've held off contacting the council or asking for a welfare check because my neighbour was so clear on not wanting "charity".

OP posts:
Original poster
Carsleeper · 21/12/2022 11:29

PopsicleHustler · 21/12/2022 11:21

I would never invite a strange man in my home , let alone to have a shower. Imagine, my husband face coming home and he wants to use the toilet and I say no you can't, stranger from outside is using the toilet, even though he is a stranger you don't know really know him. If my husband saw a lady sleeping in her car and asked her if she wants to come in and have a shower, I would think he had lost the plot.

This guy is double your age, old enough to handle his own affairs. You just worry about your own family. If he does stare at you, let him.

I know! My mum once brought home an alcoholic lady who was really struggling at a near by supermarket and helped her to find a hospice the next day, so I guess that's coloured my reaction.

OP posts:
user1471457751 · 21/12/2022 11:33

Why are you putting any blame for this situation on this guy's neighbour just because she is a social worker? 1. You don't know that she hasn't reported it and 2. What do you expect social workers, police etc to do? If a grown man wants to sleep in his car rather than making the sensible choice to end his relationship then they can't stop him.

PopsicleHustler · 21/12/2022 11:35

Hiya, I am all for helping people. As a Muslim, acts of charity is part of our religion which should be done all the time. But inviting a strange man into my home isn't just something I would do, let alone offering showers......

Just let him crack on.

Sorry if my post came across cheeky, it wasn't meant to be.....just expressing my point.

Original poster
Carsleeper · 21/12/2022 11:47

user1471457751 · 21/12/2022 11:33

Why are you putting any blame for this situation on this guy's neighbour just because she is a social worker? 1. You don't know that she hasn't reported it and 2. What do you expect social workers, police etc to do? If a grown man wants to sleep in his car rather than making the sensible choice to end his relationship then they can't stop him.

Oh I'm definitely not blaming her! It's just such a hard to know what to do or how to help (or not help/interfere).

OP posts:
Original poster
Carsleeper · 21/12/2022 11:49

PopsicleHustler · 21/12/2022 11:35

Hiya, I am all for helping people. As a Muslim, acts of charity is part of our religion which should be done all the time. But inviting a strange man into my home isn't just something I would do, let alone offering showers......

Just let him crack on.

Sorry if my post came across cheeky, it wasn't meant to be.....just expressing my point.

Not cheeky at all, thank you! I shall let him crack on!

OP posts:
Herejustforthisone · 21/12/2022 12:14

Why tell him to f off? He's not expecting anything, is he? You offered and he declined.

Yes. This is sort of on you. He’s not actually done anything.

gettingolderandgrumpier · 21/12/2022 12:38

Op it’s his situation if he needs help he needs to ask for it .
I used to work with someone who’s dad slept in his car during the winter . He was a gardener in the summer and couldn’t afford his flat in winter so would sleep in his car very bizarre situation to put yourself in . He’d rely on his adult daughters for a shower to get warm . They were completely pissed off with him to continue to live like this especially when we had a cold snap as of course they were worried about him but it was an intrusion in their lives . It’s similar to your neighbour he needs to see this is not the way to live he needs to sort this out and tbh it’s not your problem so yes I’d contact the council for welfare check anything else is down to him .

grapehyacinthisactuallyblue · 21/12/2022 19:01

By the way, I think you are a lovely person to care for a stranger. I can see that it's in your nature.
But since he is an adult, and his partner and child lives there too, so I think you don't need to feel that you need to do something for him. You don't want the complicated relationship with neighbours, do you?

Lambchop1 · 21/02/2023 17:06

I would say good morning, wave and go to work. He is an adult who must manage his own affairs.

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