Warring adult DC and power of attorney

[Wavingnotdowning]

As my DH and I get older we know it would be sensible to put a power of attorney in place. Our DS and DD cannot even be in the same room as one another. Has any one got any advice? Tempted to leave everything to the dog! However, this is a very serious for us and I am losing sleep about it. Thanks.

My Mum is in this position. At the moment it's my brother (& I'm the executor) but I've asked her to consider changing it as I live nearby and my brother lives 7-8 hours drive away and is unlikely to step up if/when she needs care. Mum has been advised by a solicitor not to do a joint PoA, not due to our fall-out, but just because it's an administrative and logistical nightmare for the people involved (apparently).

I don't know what the solution is, but I hope you get it resolved. Have you had any legal advice?

Not yet, but I think we will, in the New Year. It is going to be difficult because they are both volatile.

You could consider one to have the health POA and the other to have financial POA.

That is a possibility, but I think the real problem is that they will both want to have the financial POA. I am dreading the fall out.

Mum did eldest 2 brothers as financial POA and us youngest 2 medical POA.
Closest DB has had to do all financial stuff when she broke her hip, so he now has access to her accounts just in case.
Think about who you think would do best by you financially and medically. You may end up choosing someone else.

Do you have a niece, nephew or godchild you could ask? I.e. someone who wouldn't be a direct beneficiary?

Why do you think they will both want the financial POA? Do you trust them both equally to make decisions or is there going to be a land grab?

Is there anyone else - a neutral third party - you can ask?

I wonder why that would be?
I have POA for both my Mum and her partner because my Mum trusts me more than my brother and her partner trusts me more than his daughter.
Decide who you trust more and who will do a better job of it if necessary rather than who you want to keep happy

It's so difficult, because we have many trusted friends, but all in our age group. There are no younger relatives. I am seriously thinking we might need to choose a solicitor, but I think that would cost a fortune so I am reticent.

This is not a situation where you need to be fair, like in a will. This is a situation where you must choose the person who will carry out your wishes, not their own.

Who is that?

It's a really good idea to have a POA but many people never have to invoke their use. If you think this will cause more fall out than it's worth between your children, choose a friend. If they become less able down the line you can change your POA.

Which one do you trust more? Who would be most likely to carry out your wishes both medically and financially? Go with that person.

My neighbour appointed an independent solicitor to be her executor because she didn't have any family. I'd do this if possible to prevent a permanent family feud.

You need to put their relationship aside and figure out which one is most likely to represent you as you would wish. From a practical perspective, if one lives hundred of miles away and can’t reliably answer their phone, I wouldn’t chose them. But if both are practically available, I’d chose the one whose values are closest to yours. I would disagree with the advice above to give one to each. That works if siblings generally agree about their parents care, but can cause massive issues if siblings don’t agree, for example specialist, expensive nursing home care is ever medically recommended down the line.

Who lives closer / would find it easier to pop round / does, in fact, visit more at the moment?

If you trust them both then it's a matter of practicalities more than anything.

Can someone else be your POA, esp the financial one?

This. POA isn't the same as a will, it's you expressing your wishes should you be in a position whilst alive to no longer express them. It means if you end up in a care home they can pay the bills for you from your account etc.

Go with the child you trust the most and make a will explicitly detailing how you want things splitting when you die.

Is there an adult child of a friend who you trust? Without the emotion involved that might be a better bet, possibly less stressful, too.

My parents gave poa to one and made another executor of their will - seems a smart way to divide responsibilities.

With my GPs it went to the oldest child.

The power of attorney can't just get at your money and spend it. There are strict rules.

Yes sorry, that's what they did - I meant that they gave poa to one child and the executorship to another.

You pick the one that you trust the most to make decisions on your behalf.

Thank you all for replying. We have decided to make an appointment with a solicitor in New Year. I am so disappointed that my DC don't get on, but I just have to accept it I suppose.